America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars


America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars

John Walsh…..Phil Hartman
Todd Bridges…..Chris Rock
Danny Bonaduce…..Michael J. Fox
Johnny Whittaker…..Kevin Nealon
Barry Livingston…..Mike Myers
Rodney Allen Rippy…..Tim Meadows
Barry Williams…..Adam Sandler
Mindy Cohn…..Chris Farley
Drew Barrymore…..Jan Hooks
Dana Plato…..Julia Sweeney
Uncle Charlie…..Dana Carvey

John Walsh: Good evening. I’m John Walsh in Los Angeles. Recent statistcs show, that despite the efforts of law enforcement agencies, crime is on the rise all across the nation. The cause for this increase can be traced to one single group. Tonight, we’ll examine this problem up-close on “America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars”.

[ show’s title graphic cues up ]

John Walsh: They earned our love as children; too often we trust them as adults. Last year, 20% of all crimes committed in the L.A. area were perpetrated by former child actors. The cast of “Diff’rent Strokes” alone was responsilbe for over 300 muggings and minor thefts. Just last week, Dana Plato, who potrayed Kimberly on that show, was arrested after allegedly holding up a local video store. However, local police have reason to believe that Plato may not have acted alone. Authorites say Plato may have been a dupe in a scheme concocted in this hotel in downtown Hollywood.

[ zoom in on hotel exterior; dissolve inside with SUPER: “Re-Enactment” ]

Inside, a group who had been meeting for months were finalizing plans for a three-month crime spree. Included in the group were: Plato’s co-star, seasoned criminal Todd Bridges; TV’s Danny Partidge, Danny Bonaduce, dangerously unbalanced and prone to fits of psychotic rage; his partner, from “Family Affair”, Johnny “Jodie” Whittaker; and, from “My Three Sons, Barry Livingston, known to the public as Ernie, the “brains” behind the group, who some authorites believe had a not inconsequential role in the shooting of Alabama Governor George Wallace. Also present: commercial actor Rodney Allen Rippy, now going under the name Rod Rippy; Barry Williams, formerly Greg Brady, now a vicious crossdressing cannibal; minding the door, Mindy Cohn, who played Natalie on “The Facts of Life”.

Todd Bridges: So when’s this meeting gonna start, man? I gotta go sell my blood at six!

Danny Bonaduce: Hey, come on, Bridges, give your fans a rest, alright?

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughing ] Good one, Danny!

Danny Bonaduce: Thanks, Jodie.

Johnny Whittaker: The name’s Johnny!

Danny Bonaduce: Yeah? Tell it to Mr. French.

[ Mindy Cohn opens the door to let Drew Barrymore in ]

Drew Barrymore: What the hell are these blinds doin’ open for? You want somebody to recognize us?!

John Walsh V/O: It was Drew Barrymore. Although the youngest at age 14, Barrymore’s vast experience, expertise and connections within the underworld, made her the acknowledged ringleader.

Drew Barrymore: [ summarizing ] Okay, the van turns left on Highland, and we’re out of there. Everyone got it?

Danny Bonaduce: Oh, Drew, relax, we’ve been pulling these jobs since you were doing “E.T.”

Drew Barrymore: Yeah.. I don’t remember.. The years between 5 and 7 are kind of blurred to me. Hey, Ernie! What about that “special project”, huh?

Barry Livingston: I’m so glad you asked, Ms. Barrymore! I give you Benadynemethacrolate – twice the potency of crack cocaine! Half the price..

Drew Barrymore: [ climbs into his lap ] Whooo, baby! You got me for a week!

Barry Livingston: You won’t last!!

[ Barry Williams twitches ]

Drew Barrymore: Okay.. let’s get back to tonight’s job. We still need a point man. How about you, Rippy!

Danny Bonaduce: Yeah, Rippy. You haven’t pulled anything since your last trip to the bathroom.

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughs ] Good one, Danny!

Danny Bonaduce: Shut up!!

Rodney Allen Rippy: Listen, Drew.. I can’t be there when he goes down – not this time. I got too much to lose! I’m in an audition tomorrow – I’ll be the voice of a Muppet Baby!

Drew Barrymore: But it’s your turn, man!

Rodney Allen Rippy: Please..

Mindy Cohn: DO IT, RIPPY!!!

Johnny Whittaker: Great, Rippy! Now you got Mindy mad!

Dana Plato: [ enters ] Sorry, I’m late, guys, I had a photo shoot!

Rodney Allen Rippy: Hey, what about Plato?

Drew Barrymore: Hey, Plato. You think you’re ready for a point job?

Dana Plato:Yeah, sure. If you guys will give me a chance!

Danny Bonaduce: Hey, hey, Rippy, you’re off the hook. Why don’t you go to Jack In The Box and celebrate?

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughing ] You’re so funny, Danny!

Danny Bonaduce: What do you mean, I’m funny?

Johnny Whittaker: You’re just funny! You make me laugh!

Danny Bonaduce: In what way am I funny?

Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know..

Danny Bonaduce: What, what, what.. do I say funny things? Do I look funny to you? How am I funny?

Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know.. you’re just funny..

Drew Barrymore: Come on, Danny, take it easy..

Danny Bonaduce: No, no, no, Drew. He thinks I’m funny! I want to know – how am I funny to you? What, am I clown to you? Do I amuse you? Answer me!

Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know! I don’t know!

Danny Bonaduce: Maybe this is funny!! [ stands up, shoots Johnny in the chest, killing him ] Huh? Is that funny!! That’s funny! Funny, funny, funny!

Uncle Charlie: [ rushing in ] Holy Smokes! What the hell’s all the racket in here!

John Walsh V/O: It was Uncle Charlie from “My Three Sons”. William Demerest, the group’s mentor and live-in maid.

Uncle Charlie: Oh, geez, Bonaduce! I go away for five minutes to make some stew, I come back I got a dead body messin’ up my clean floor, you stupid kid! Don’t you kids have a video store to hit, or something!

Drew Barrymore: Come on, let’s get out of here, let’s move it!

[ Michael J. Fox rushes into the room ]

Michael J. Fox: Hold on, you guys! This is wrong!

John Walsh V/O: It was Michael J. Fox. He heard about the gang from his former co-star Tina Yothers.

Michael J. Fox: Hey, hold on. What are you guys doing? You guys, you’re better than this, alright? I mean, you made people happy once, and you can do it again! Come on, what do you say?

Danny Bonaduce: What do I say? [ takes out gun, shoots Michael ] That’s what I say! [ shoots ] Take that, Alex! [ shoots ]

Michael J. Fox: [ stunned, drops to the floor ] Unh.. Mall-o-ry..?

Uncle Charlie: Oh, geez, Bonaduce, you wanna scrub this floor twice a day!

[ cut back to John Walsh ]

John Walsh: Since the taping of this re-enactment, authorities have determined that Michael J. Fox is in fact still alive and in no apparent harm. Also, William Demerest has reportedly been dead for 9 years. Still, the basic truth behind this report is inescapable: if you see any members of the Barrymore Gang, do not acknowledge them! Do not address them by their character names, for they are liable to go insane. And if you see Mindy Cohn, do not look her in the ey. She is unarmed, but police describe her as wild and unpredictable. Next week, the two Coreys, and Steve Urkel – Walking Time Bomb – on “America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Actors.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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