Sherlock Holmes’ Surprise Party
Dr. Watson…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Hudson…..Jan Hooks
Sir Reginald Mustry…..Kevin Nealon
Inspector LeStrade…..Mike Myers
Eileen Adler…..Victoria Jackson
Sherlock Holmes…..Jeremy Irons
[ SUPER: “London, 1893 ] [ open on exterior, 221 Baker Street ] [ dissolve to interior, 221 Baker Street ]
Inspector LeStrade: See him yet, Dr. Watson?
Dr. Watson: Not yet, Inspector LeStrade. Professor Moriarty was to keep Holmes at the restaurant until 8:30. If all is going according to plan, he should appear at any moment nowe.
Inspector LeStrade: I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Why, the pipe will fall right out of his mouth, it will!
Dr. Watson: You know, Holmes has never had a “surprise” party before.
Inspector LeStrade: All the more reason for him not to suspect![ Mrs. Hudson enters ]
Dr. Watson: Mrs. Hudson, is everything ready?
Mrs. Hudson: The cake is in the kitchen, and the presents are out of sight, Dr. Watson!
Eileen Adler: [ moves away from the window ] Oh! Here he comes!
Dr. Watson: Great Scot! Now, remember: when I say, “How’s the weather, Holmes?” everyone jumps out and yells, “Surprise!”
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I’m all a-flutter!
Dr. Watson: Alright! Hide, everyone! Hide! [ everyone takes their places around the room; Dr. Watson sits down, pretending to read a newspaper, as Shrlock Holmes enters ] Holmes? Is that you?
Sherlock Holmes: [ motions his eyes about the room ] Why, Watson.. a surprise party. How delightful.
Dr. Watson: [ faking naivite ] A suprise party? Why.. whatever are you talking about..?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, come, come, my dear Watson. It’s obvious that several of my good friends are hiding in this room at this very moment. For example.. judging by these size 14 Scotland Yard-issued galoshes, I would say that Inspector LeStrade is hiding, at this moment, behind these curtains.
Dr. Watson: Oh.. oh.. oh..[ Holmes pulls the curtain open, revealing Inspector LeStrade ]
Inspector LeStrade: Alright, you caught me, Holmes.. Happy Birthday..
Sherlock Holmes: And the boughs in the floorboards here tells me that, rather than visiting her sister in Sussex, Mrs. Hudson is on her knees and hands behind the windback. [ pulls the windback out, revealing Mrs. Hudson ]
Dr. Watson: Good Heavens, Holmes! Amazing!
Mrs. Hudson: Very impressive, Mr. Holmes..
Dr. Watson: Well, Holmes, you got everyone one of us.. we’re all here.. [ chuckles nervously ]
Sherlock Holmes: All except for two, WAtson.
Dr. Watson: Two? I.. don’t know what you’re talking about, Holmes..
Sherlock Holmes: It is not I who is doing the talking, Watson. It is the Oriental.
Dr. Watson: [ laughs ] The.. the carpet talking! Preposterous!
Sherlock Holmes: These two set of footprints lead to the alcove, where we shall find a lady of high breeding, accompanied by a gentleman with a pronounced limp. [ pulls curtains, revealing the pair ]
Dr. Watson: Astounding, Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm.. Eileen Adler and Sir Reginald Mustry. This is a surprise.
Eileen Adler: Happy Birthday, Sherlock..
Sir Reginald Mustry: Remarkable, Holmes. I injured my ankle just yesterday.
Sherlock Holmes: [ thinking ] Hmm.. riding accident.. Horse spooked by a passing locomotive, I would say?
Sir Reginald Mustry: Yes.
Inspector LeStrade: Well.. I suppose it was a bit presumptious to think that we could fool the great Sherlock Holmes.
Mrs. Hudson: [ wheels out the cake ] Well.. forget the surprise.. but you’re still having a birthday cake, whether you like it or not, Mr. Holmes.. [ starts to light the candles ]
Sherlock Holmes: Stop, Mrs. Hudson! No need to light the other 37 candles. I wont be blowing them out!
Mrs. Hudson: And.. and why not?
Sherlock Holmes: As you attempted to light the first candle, a tiny spark portrayed the presence of magnesium nitrate. These are Jokey Joke Candles! They cannot be blown out!
Mrs. Hudson: Yes, Mrs. Holmes, that’s supposed to be part of the fun!
Sherlock Holmes: Ah! As I suspected!
Dr. Watson: [ sighs ] Well, there’s still plenty of fun to be had.. why don’t you open your presents, Holmes? Only, no guessing!
Sherlock Holmes: No guessing required, Watson. [ grabs present ] Ah.. thank you for the new calabash, LeStrade. [ opens present to reveal gift ]
Inspector LeStrade: Amazing, Mr. Holmes! How did you know that?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I noticed you are smoking a brand new briar, which you purchased yourself when buying me my new calabash.. [ grabs next present ] ..which should come in handy when smoking the packet of cherry walnut tobacco Mrs. Hudson purchased for me at Mrs. Dunhill of Piccadilly.
Mrs. Hudson: Oranges and lemons, the bells of St. Climons! How ever did you know that!
Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, Mrs. Hudson. You neglected to remove the label! [ flips tobacco around to reveal label ]
Mrs. Hudson: Ah.
Sherlock Holmes: [ grabs next present ] And this, I think, is from you, Watson.. a new pair of silk stockings, and a garter belt, and lime-green feather boa.
Dr. Watson: Remarkable, Holmes.. though I wish you hadn’t told everyone..
Inspector LeStrade: We all knew.. we all knew..
Sherlock Holmes: [ grabs last present ] And, finally, this rather large package, containing.. a new magnifying glass eith an ebony handle.. [ pulls out the magnifying glass ]
Dr. Watson: Great Scot!
Sherlock Holmes: Now.. I suspect you would like to know the process through which I deduced that there was such a small article in such a large package? [ sits in his chair ]
Mrs. Hudson: You know, a real friend would at least pretend to be surprised, instead of poking a hole in everyone’s bagpipe! Come on, everyone, let’s go, party’s over![ they all turn to walk away ]
Dr. Watson: I think I’ll be getting some fresh air as well.
Sherlock Holmes: As you wish, Watson.[ everyone exits the room; Sherlock Holmes picks up his violin and begins to play “Happy Birthday To You”, then stops to look about the room curiously ]
Sherlock Holmes: Odd. Hmm.. all five, incluing Watson, leaving simultaneuously. Of course. [ stands up to open the door, where he discovers all his friends waiting there for him ] Surprise!
Dr. Watson: [ sighs ] Happy Birthday, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you, thank you! Please come in! Why, this is the most exciting birthday I’ve ever had![ fade ]