Sherlock Holmes’ Surprise Party


Sherlock Holmes’ Surprise Party

Dr. Watson…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Hudson…..Jan Hooks
Sir Reginald Mustry…..Kevin Nealon
Inspector LeStrade…..Mike Myers
Eileen Adler…..Victoria Jackson
Sherlock Holmes…..Jeremy Irons

[ SUPER: “London, 1893 ] [ open on exterior, 221 Baker Street ] [ dissolve to interior, 221 Baker Street ]

Inspector LeStrade: See him yet, Dr. Watson?

Dr. Watson: Not yet, Inspector LeStrade. Professor Moriarty was to keep Holmes at the restaurant until 8:30. If all is going according to plan, he should appear at any moment nowe.

Inspector LeStrade: I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Why, the pipe will fall right out of his mouth, it will!

Dr. Watson: You know, Holmes has never had a “surprise” party before.

Inspector LeStrade: All the more reason for him not to suspect!

[ Mrs. Hudson enters ]

Dr. Watson: Mrs. Hudson, is everything ready?

Mrs. Hudson: The cake is in the kitchen, and the presents are out of sight, Dr. Watson!

Eileen Adler: [ moves away from the window ] Oh! Here he comes!

Dr. Watson: Great Scot! Now, remember: when I say, “How’s the weather, Holmes?” everyone jumps out and yells, “Surprise!”

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I’m all a-flutter!

Dr. Watson: Alright! Hide, everyone! Hide! [ everyone takes their places around the room; Dr. Watson sits down, pretending to read a newspaper, as Shrlock Holmes enters ] Holmes? Is that you?

Sherlock Holmes: [ motions his eyes about the room ] Why, Watson.. a surprise party. How delightful.

Dr. Watson: [ faking naivite ] A suprise party? Why.. whatever are you talking about..?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, come, come, my dear Watson. It’s obvious that several of my good friends are hiding in this room at this very moment. For example.. judging by these size 14 Scotland Yard-issued galoshes, I would say that Inspector LeStrade is hiding, at this moment, behind these curtains.

Dr. Watson: Oh.. oh.. oh..

[ Holmes pulls the curtain open, revealing Inspector LeStrade ]

Inspector LeStrade: Alright, you caught me, Holmes.. Happy Birthday..

Sherlock Holmes: And the boughs in the floorboards here tells me that, rather than visiting her sister in Sussex, Mrs. Hudson is on her knees and hands behind the windback. [ pulls the windback out, revealing Mrs. Hudson ]

Dr. Watson: Good Heavens, Holmes! Amazing!

Mrs. Hudson: Very impressive, Mr. Holmes..

Dr. Watson: Well, Holmes, you got everyone one of us.. we’re all here.. [ chuckles nervously ]

Sherlock Holmes: All except for two, WAtson.

Dr. Watson: Two? I.. don’t know what you’re talking about, Holmes..

Sherlock Holmes: It is not I who is doing the talking, Watson. It is the Oriental.

Dr. Watson: [ laughs ] The.. the carpet talking! Preposterous!

Sherlock Holmes: These two set of footprints lead to the alcove, where we shall find a lady of high breeding, accompanied by a gentleman with a pronounced limp. [ pulls curtains, revealing the pair ]

Dr. Watson: Astounding, Holmes!

Sherlock Holmes: Hmm.. Eileen Adler and Sir Reginald Mustry. This is a surprise.

Eileen Adler: Happy Birthday, Sherlock..

Sir Reginald Mustry: Remarkable, Holmes. I injured my ankle just yesterday.

Sherlock Holmes: [ thinking ] Hmm.. riding accident.. Horse spooked by a passing locomotive, I would say?

Sir Reginald Mustry: Yes.

Inspector LeStrade: Well.. I suppose it was a bit presumptious to think that we could fool the great Sherlock Holmes.

Mrs. Hudson: [ wheels out the cake ] Well.. forget the surprise.. but you’re still having a birthday cake, whether you like it or not, Mr. Holmes.. [ starts to light the candles ]

Sherlock Holmes: Stop, Mrs. Hudson! No need to light the other 37 candles. I wont be blowing them out!

Mrs. Hudson: And.. and why not?

Sherlock Holmes: As you attempted to light the first candle, a tiny spark portrayed the presence of magnesium nitrate. These are Jokey Joke Candles! They cannot be blown out!

Mrs. Hudson: Yes, Mrs. Holmes, that’s supposed to be part of the fun!

Sherlock Holmes: Ah! As I suspected!

Dr. Watson: [ sighs ] Well, there’s still plenty of fun to be had.. why don’t you open your presents, Holmes? Only, no guessing!

Sherlock Holmes: No guessing required, Watson. [ grabs present ] Ah.. thank you for the new calabash, LeStrade. [ opens present to reveal gift ]

Inspector LeStrade: Amazing, Mr. Holmes! How did you know that?

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I noticed you are smoking a brand new briar, which you purchased yourself when buying me my new calabash.. [ grabs next present ] ..which should come in handy when smoking the packet of cherry walnut tobacco Mrs. Hudson purchased for me at Mrs. Dunhill of Piccadilly.

Mrs. Hudson: Oranges and lemons, the bells of St. Climons! How ever did you know that!

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, Mrs. Hudson. You neglected to remove the label! [ flips tobacco around to reveal label ]

Mrs. Hudson: Ah.

Sherlock Holmes: [ grabs next present ] And this, I think, is from you, Watson.. a new pair of silk stockings, and a garter belt, and lime-green feather boa.

Dr. Watson: Remarkable, Holmes.. though I wish you hadn’t told everyone..

Inspector LeStrade: We all knew.. we all knew..

Sherlock Holmes: [ grabs last present ] And, finally, this rather large package, containing.. a new magnifying glass eith an ebony handle.. [ pulls out the magnifying glass ]

Dr. Watson: Great Scot!

Sherlock Holmes: Now.. I suspect you would like to know the process through which I deduced that there was such a small article in such a large package? [ sits in his chair ]

Everyone: No!!

Mrs. Hudson: You know, a real friend would at least pretend to be surprised, instead of poking a hole in everyone’s bagpipe! Come on, everyone, let’s go, party’s over!

[ they all turn to walk away ]

Dr. Watson: I think I’ll be getting some fresh air as well.

Sherlock Holmes: As you wish, Watson.

[ everyone exits the room; Sherlock Holmes picks up his violin and begins to play “Happy Birthday To You”, then stops to look about the room curiously ]

Sherlock Holmes: Odd. Hmm.. all five, incluing Watson, leaving simultaneuously. Of course. [ stands up to open the door, where he discovers all his friends waiting there for him ] Surprise!

Dr. Watson: [ sighs ] Happy Birthday, Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: Thank you, thank you! Please come in! Why, this is the most exciting birthday I’ve ever had!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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