SNL Transcripts: Catherine O’Hara: 04/13/91: Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 17


90q: Catherine O’Hara / R.E.M.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.

Frank Gannon…..Kevin Nealon
Professor Halloway…..Tim Meadows
Dr. Amanda Caldecon…..Catherine O’Hara
Mother #1…..Julia Sweeney
Mother #2…..Jan Hooks

[Man appears dead lying on the floor]

Dr. Caldecon: [crying]

Professor Halloway: I know, I know.

Dr. Caldecon: I just can’t believe this is happening.

Professor Halloway: I know, I know.

Dr. Caldecon: Everyone loved George.

Professor Halloway: I’m sure that the police will get to the bottom of this Amanda.

Dr. Caldecon: But who could have killed him? Who could have done it? Who? Who? Who?

Frank Gannon: [approaches scene of crime] That’s what I’m here for ma’am. Frank Gannon, PI. Let’s take a look at the body. [Glances at body, pause] I must be in the wrong place, the captain said a professor had been shot.

Professor Halloway: That’s right, professor Atkins.

Frank Gannon: But this is a black man, this is obviously a drug related crime. I’m looking for the body of a college professor.

Dr. Caldecon: He was a professor.

Frank Gannon: Maybe you should take a closer look, this is clearly the body of a black man.

Professor Halloway: I know, this is the body of professor George Atkins, a college professor who happened to be black.

Frank Gannon: Oh oh I see, a professor of black studies?

Dr. Caldecon: Excuse me, I don’t know why you would make that assumption, he was a professor of history.

Frank Gannon: Oh I see, black history.

Announcer: [as music plays] Frank Gannon, PI PI, politically incorrect private investigator.

Frank Gannon: Well anyway whatever kind of history he taight, he’s history right now, and I’m here to find out why he’s history. So if you could just direct me to the professor’s widow, I’d like to ask a couple of questions.

Dr. Caldecon: I’m the professor’s widow.

Frank Gannon: Oh, by widow I mean the woman who was married to the professor, I mean the black woman.

Dr. Caldecon: I was his wife, I was married to the professor for 12 years.

Frank Gannon: Oh ok I see… hippies? Now Mrs. Atkins-

Dr. Caldecon: Dr. Caldecon!

Frank Gannon: No I mean you, Mrs. Atkins.

Dr. Caldecon: No my name is Dr. Caldecon.

Frank Gannon: Woah, woah, hold on a minute here. I thought you said you were married to this Atkins guy.

Dr. Caldecon: I was I just didn’t take his name.

Frank Gannon: I see, because he’s black?

Dr. Caldecon: No! Are you an idiot?

Frank Gannon: Let’s calm down Mrs. Cal-

Dr. Caldecon: Dr. Caldecon!

Frank Gannon: Hold on a minute now honey, you mean you’re a doctor?

Dr. Caldecon: Yes.

Frank Gannon: Oh I see… midwife?

Professor Halloway: Dr. Caldecon is one of the finest orthopedic surgeons in this country.

Frank Gannon: Oh now who are you?

Professor Halloway: I am professor Halloway.

Frank Gannon: Oh I see, now I’m supposed to believe there’s two black professors?

Professor Halloway: Amanda, I’m sorry, I’ve done all I can. [walks off set]

Frank Gannon: Alright Dr. Caldecon, let me see if I have this correct. He broke into the house, he startled you, you shot him.

Dr. Caldecon: He lived here!

Frank Gannon: Why would he break into his own house?

Dr. Caldecon: He didn’t break in!

Frank Gannon: Then why did you shoot him?

Dr. Caldecon: I didn’t shoot him!

Frank Gannon: Alright, alright, calm down now. I gotta have you calm before we go any further here on this.

Dr. Caldecon: I didn’t shoot him.

Announcer: [as music plays, shows office door with sign that reads ‘Yes, we’re open of Martin Luther King’s birthday’] And now a scene from next weeks episode of ‘Frank Gannon PI PI, Politically Incorrect Private Investigator’.

[goes to scene with Gannon and two women sitting with a young boy]

Frank Gannon: Alright let me see if I got this correct now. You both adopted little Jason here?

Mother #1: That’s right.

Mother #2: We’re Jason’s legal parents.

Frank Gannon: So you’re the mother and you’re the mother? [pointing to both women]

Mother #2: That’s right.

Mother #1: Yes.

Frank Gannon: Ok but I’m still gonna have to talk to Jason’s two fathers.

Announcer: Next week on ‘Frank Gannon PI PI’.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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