Frank & Nancy
Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
[ open on exterior, White House ] [ dissolve to interior White House, October 12th, 1987, Nancy Reagan’s bedroom ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following segment is a dramatization based on rumor and innuendo that are a lot of fun to think about.”
Aide: [ enters bedroom ] The President’s almost for his speech, Mr. Reagan. Will you be going downstairs?
Nancy Reagan: Uh.. in a.. in a few minutes. Thank you.
Aide: Great. [ Chinese Delivery Boy enters ] Excuse me.
Frank Sinatra: [ in disguise ] Chinee Food Derivery.
Nancy Reagan: That’s okay! I ordered it!
Aide: Very well.
Frank Sinatra: [ quickly removes his disguise ] Let’s swing, baby! [ they start making out ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh, you’re good! Hey, where’d you get the costume?
Frank Sinatra: It’s the Real McCoy, baby! I got it off a delivery boy.
Nancy Reagan: Really? And what’s he wearing?
Frank Sinatra: Wings! [ laughs ] And, look – I got some Mooshu Pork out of it. I figured, after we shtup, we can have some Chink food!
Nancy Reagan: You think of everything! [ they make out some more ][ a knock at the door – Nancy gasps, as Frank hides ]
Aide: [ enters ] Sorry, Mrs. Reagan, but we’re about to start.
Nancy Reagan: That’s okay. I’ll be fine up here.
Aide: Alrigt, Ma’am.. good enough. [ notices Frank standing stiff ]
Frank Sinatra: Move on, buddy, I’m a coat rack![ Aide exits ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh, Frank, you were wonderful!
Frank Sinatra: You’re playing with an old pro, baby. I’ve made it with every First Lady since Elenour Roosevelt!
Nancy Reagan: Oh, no, Frank.. Frank, I don’t want to hear it..
Frank Sinatra: You know, I once did Pat Nixon in an airplane john.
Nancy Reagan: Ohh.. tell me I’m the best, Frank! Tell me I’m the best!
Frank Sinatra: You got the best rack. But a guy could eat off Bess Truman’s ass.
Nancy Reagan: [ inches towards the bed ] Come here, greaseball.. and make me pay!
Frank Sinatra: You can count on it![ they start to make out, but Nancy turns on the TV to hear Ronald’s speech ]
Ronald Reagan: [ on TV ] Good evening, my fellow Americans..
Nancy Reagan: Oh, good.. he’s started his speech. I love to watch him on TV – it gets me so hot! It’s like he’s watching me!
Frank Sinatra: I like it, too!
Ronald Reagan: “..great success. Our recent sale of arms to our friends the Iraqis will provide a boost to the economy, as well as protecting our interests abroad. Furthermore, I’ve spoken with the Savings & Loan officials, and I’m convinced that these fellows don’t need government regulations getting in the way of Free Enterprise. Now, before I go into my plan to help the Contras, I’d like to tell you about the man I’ve chosen to skipper a very important oil tanker – Captain Jospeh Hazelwood..”
Nancy Reagan: Oh, yes!!
Frank Sinatra: Start spreadin’ the news!
Nancy Reagan: O-o-o-ohhhhh!! Bring it home, baby!!
Ronald Reagan: ..”in my six years in this office..” [ plasters of the ceiling fall onto him, as he looks up curiously ] That’s just Frank and Nancy going at it. Where was I? Oh, yes.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!