Pumping Up With Hans & Franz
Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to “PumpingUp With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.
Together: Welcome! We’re back!
Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans…
Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to…
Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!
Franz: Alright, first of all, lets clear something up. You know, many people have accused us of being involved with steroids.
Hans: Ja. They are right! But let me explainto us, those steroids are something different!
Franz: Ja. They are the people who stop on the street and stare at our amazing pumpitude!
Hans: Hence, we call them Steroids!
Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to…
Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!
Franz: You know, the big news this summer is, our cousin Arnold is coming out with a new blockbuster action movie. Doesnt surprise us.
Hans: Ja. You know, Arnold is sure to beat out all the competition from these other second-rate action-movie stars!
Franz: ie, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky You know, all those guys!
Hans: That’s right, you knowCharles Bronson Pinchot, all of them! You know, its a laugh to even compare them to Arnold! Look at me, Franz; I am laughing!
Franz: Ja! So am I, Hans!
[They laugh on, oblivious to the presence of Steven Seagal who has just walked up behind them and simply stands there]
Hans: Ja, we are laughingAnd what about this guy, Steven Seagal?
Franz: Ja! Hear me now and believe me later Arnold could easily rip Steven Seagals skinny little arms off and use them as dental floss!
Hans: Ja, unwaxed! [They mime flossing their teeth, then suddenly notice Seagal for the first time] Mr. Seagal! I didnt see you!
Steven Seagal: I couldnt help overhearing what you guys were saying, you know
Hans: Oh, youre so quiet; how long were you back there? We were just talking
Steven Seagal: Look, fellaslets not confuse the issue here. I dont wanna compare myself to these other stars; theyre great and everything like that. But what I do is unique You see, I followZen.
Hans: Oh, we know Zen. First we lift a barbell
Franz: Zen we lift another
Hans: Zen another
Franz: Zen another and Zen another
Hans: …And Zen another
Franz: And Zen we are done.
Steven Seagal: Nah, I dont think you guys understand what Im talking about; maybe I could demonstrate. Id like to hold my little finger out and let you guys push on it.
Franz: AhWell, before you make this rash decision, maybe you should see what youre up against.
Hans: Ja. Take a look, Steven
[Hans and Franz flex their muscles superiorly, although Seagal seems impressed]
Hans & Franz: [adlibs of Now what do you think about that?]
Steven Seagal: Looks to me like you guys are, like, really constipated; maybe you could drink some prune juice or something. I dont know who taught you that stuff, but it looks kind of silly. You know what Im saying?
Hans: All right, put it out Go! [Seagal holds out the little finger on his right hand; Hans and Franz proceed to push on it but cant budge it an inch] All rightPush, Franz!
Franz: I am pushing, Hans! But Stevens baby finger is too strong!!
Hans: Its a Super-Baby-Finger!! [They stop to catch their wind] Im very impressed, Mr. Seagal; maybe we misjudged you.
Franz: Ja, maybe youre not a girlie-man after all, Mr. Seagal.
Steven Seagal: Sure thing; anytime, fellas Just try and remember the Zen of things, okay? Have a nice one.
Franz: Ahcertainly, Mr. Seagal. Good day. [Seagal departs]
Hans: You know, Franz, Stevens pinkie has taught us a great lesson.
Franz: Ja, maybe there would be a better way to pummel a girlie-man than muscle against flab.
Hans: Fist against poop-filled diaper.
Franz: Are you thinking what Im thinking ?
[Segue into the Pumping Up opening sequence, but with the life-size cutouts of Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by those of Steven Seagal. Moreover, Hans and Franz both wear ponytails and black leather jackets;they also talk in Seagal-like monotones]
Together: Welcome. Were back.
Hans: Once again, Im Hans.
Franz: Ja, and Im Franz.
Togeter: And we just want to pump [They lightly bring the tips of their pinkies together] you up.
[Segue back to the Pumping Up set as we know it, with the life-size Arnold Schwarzenegger cutouts]
Hans: On second thought, I would hate to use just my pinkie and not the rest of these god-like muscles!
Franz: Ja! Me too, exactly! Mind over matter is great, but lets not forget muscle over matter!
[They flex some more, then ]
Together: Live from New York, its Saturday [Theyclap] Night!
Submitted by: Patrick Jackson