Pumping Up With Hans & Franz


Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Himself…..Steven Seagal

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to “PumpingUp With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans…

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to…

Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, first of all, let’s clear something up. You know, many people have accused us of being involved with steroids.

Hans: Ja. They are right! But let me explain—to us, those steroids are something different!

Franz: Ja. They are the people who stop on the street and stare at our amazing pumpitude!

Hans: Hence, we call them Steroids!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to…

Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!

Franz: You know, the big news this summer is, our cousin Arnold is coming out with a new blockbuster action movie. Doesn’t surprise us.

Hans: Ja. You know, Arnold is sure to beat out all the competition from these other second-rate action-movie stars!

Franz: ie, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky…You know, all those guys!

Hans: That’s right, you know—Charles Bronson Pinchot, all of them! You know, it’s a laugh to even compare them to Arnold! Look at me, Franz; I am laughing!

Franz: Ja! So am I, Hans!

[They laugh on, oblivious to the presence of Steven Seagal who has just walked up behind them and simply stands there]

Hans: Ja, we are laughing—And what about this guy, Steven Seagal?

Franz: Ja! Hear me now and believe me later…Arnold could easily rip Steven Seagal’s skinny little arms off and use them as dental floss!

Hans: Ja, unwaxed! [They mime flossing their teeth, then suddenly notice Seagal for the first time] Mr. Seagal! I didn’t see you!

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t help overhearing what you guys were saying, you know…

Hans: Oh, you’re so quiet; how long were you back there? We were just talking…

Steven Seagal: Look, fellas—let’s not confuse the issue here. I don’t wanna compare myself to these other stars; they’re great and everything like that. But what I do is unique…You see, I follow—Zen.

Hans: Oh, we know Zen. First we lift a barbell…

Franz: …Zen we lift another…

Hans: …Zen another…

Franz: …Zen another…and Zen another…

Hans: …And Zen another…

Franz: …And Zen we are done.

Steven Seagal: Nah, I don’t think you guys understand what I’m talking about; maybe I could demonstrate. I’d like to hold my little finger out and let you guys push on it.

Franz: Ah—Well, before you make this rash decision, maybe you should see what you’re up against.

Hans: Ja. Take a look, Steven…

[Hans and Franz flex their muscles superiorly, although Seagal seems impressed]

Hans & Franz: [adlibs of “Now what do you think about that?”]

Steven Seagal: Looks to me like you guys are, like, really constipated; maybe you could drink some prune juice or something. I don’t know who taught you that stuff, but it looks kind of silly. You know what I’m saying?

Hans: All right, put it out…Go! [Seagal holds out the little finger on his right hand; Hans and Franz proceed to push on it but can’t budge it an inch] All right—Push, Franz!

Franz: I am pushing, Hans! But Steven’s baby finger is too strong!!

Hans: It’s a Super-Baby-Finger!! [They stop to catch their wind] I’m very impressed, Mr. Seagal; maybe we misjudged you.

Franz: Ja, maybe you’re not a girlie-man after all, Mr. Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Sure thing; anytime, fellas…Just try and remember the Zen of things, okay? Have a nice one.

Franz: Ah—certainly, Mr. Seagal. Good day. [Seagal departs]

Hans: You know, Franz, Steven’s pinkie has taught us a great lesson.

Franz: Ja, maybe there would be a better way to pummel a girlie-man than muscle against flab.

Hans: Fist against poop-filled diaper.

Franz: Are you thinking what I’m thinking…?

[Segue into the “Pumping Up” opening sequence, but with the life-size cutouts of Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by those of Steven Seagal. Moreover, Hans and Franz both wear ponytails and black leather jackets;they also talk in Seagal-like monotones]

Together: Welcome. We’re back.

Hans: Once again, I’m Hans.

Franz: Ja, and I’m Franz.

Togeter: And we just want to pump… [They lightly bring the tips of their pinkies together]…you up.

[Segue back to the “Pumping Up” set as we know it, with the life-size Arnold Schwarzenegger cutouts]

Hans: …On second thought, I would hate to use just my pinkie and not the rest of these god-like muscles!

Franz: …Ja! Me too, exactly! Mind over matter is great, but let’s not forget muscle over matter!

[They flex some more, then…]

Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday… [Theyclap]…Night!

Submitted by: Patrick Jackson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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