The Dark Side with Nat X


The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
Andrew Dice Clay…..Steven Seagal
Sandman…..Chris Farley

Announcer: Live, from Compton, California—It’s “TheDark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written bya brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for thebrothers! Now, get ready for a man who’s so black,he’s worth his weight in oil—step back, ’cause herecomes Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters! I’m Nat X andwelcome to the Dark Side, the only 15-minute show onTV! Why only 15 minutes? Because if the man gave meanything less, it would be a commercial! I think weall know who the man is! I’m talking about the sameman who calls a white mouse a pet and feeds it cheese,and calls a black mouse a rat and tries to kill it!I’m talking about the same man who invented the gameof pool: a game in which the player uses a white balland a stick to knock a bunch of colored balls off atable and into a bunch of holes!

Alright, y’all. It’s about time for Viewer Mail!Sandman! Come on out here and read me a letter!

[Sandman the Clown enters and takes a seat]

Sandman: Tonight’s letter—“Dear Nat, you seem like avery tense man. What do you do to relax?”

Nat X: Well, I like to go bowling. There’s nothinglike taking that big black ball and knocking it intothose ten white pins with the red necks!

[Suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects]

Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Getoutta here! Get outta here!!

[Graphic image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, ashe mimes being in prison]

That’s how you want me! But you’re not gonna get me!That’s what you wanna see! That’s what you wanna see!!The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven’t had that muchfun since Aunt Jemima took that rag off her head!

And now it’s time for the Top Five List! Why five?Because ten would make the man loose sleep! Tonight:The Top Five Reasons the L.A. Cops Beat Up Rodney King.

Reason #5: They hate paperwork.

Reason #4: They thought he was Mexican.

Reason #3: They were trying to impress Jodie Foster.

Reason #2: They were upset over the portrayal of whitepeople on “In Living Color.”

And the #1 Reason the L.A. Cops Beat up Rodney King:They just saw “New Jack City.”

And that’s the Top Five! Our first guest tonight isone of the most controversial comedians in thecountry. Please welcome Andrew Dice Clay!

[Dice enters set]

Dice: It’s a beautiful thang!

Nat X: Sit yo white ass down.

[Dice takes a seat]

Dice: How ya doin’ Nat. It’s great to be on your show here.

Nat X: Glad you could make it, Mister Dice! Iunderstand you got a lot of free time on your handssince “Adventures of Ford Fairlaine.”

Dice: What are you talkin’ about? “Ford Fairlaine” wasone of the greatest movies ever made! And I kick any[expletives deleted] you could name that didn’t makethat kinda money!

Nat X: [holds up a VHS copy] Well, I’m not sayin’ itwas a bomb, but last week the Ku Klux Klan tied one ofthese under my car!

Dice: It wasn’t my fault; it was the critics, ya know!They’re just a bunch of over-[more expletives deleted]

Nat X: So what’s next for you? You got a movie comin’out this summer? How about next summer?

Dice: Nah, but I’m amazin’ anyway!!

Nat X: Okay, Cracker Boy, I got a nursery rhyme foryou: “There once was a whitey named Dice, Who lookedlike Fonzie on steroids…blah blah blah blah, blah blahblah blah, my big black foot in yo ass!”

[Close music starts up]

Nat X: Wow! I guess our 15 minutes is up! Check us outnext week, with Stupid White People Tricks. Peace!

Submitted by: Patrick Jackson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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