SNL Transcripts: Steven Seagal: 04/20/91: Nico Tenelli


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: Episode 18

90r: Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton

Nico Tenelli

Nico Tenelli…..Steven Seagal
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Police Chief…..Phil Hartman
Police Officer #1…..Julia Sweeney
Police Officer #2…..Chris Farley

[focus on a detective’s office]

Police Chief: Tenelli, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work. Improper searches, beatings, suspects, ever heard of a little thing called the Bill of Rights? Now I’ve got the ACLU up my behind and the DA has to throw out these indictments! [slams paper on desk]

Nico Tenelli: I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine, what do you think they were doing with it, making chalk for girls’ softball games?

Police Chief: Nico, as long as I’m running this department, everybody has civil rights, including drug dealers. And just to make sure you get the picture, Tenelli, I’m taking you off the streets. I want your badge and I want your gun. We’ll see how tough you are sitting behind a typewriter. [Tenelli hands over his badge] Is that clear? [Tenelli hands over his gun]

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, it’s clear. [leaves the office]

Police Officer #1: Welcome to the trenches, Nico. [hands him a paper]

Nico Tenelli: What you want me to do with this?

Police Officer #1: Make three copies, file one, send two to headquarters.

Nico Tenelli: Let me see your head… [strokes her hair and heads toward the door to the copy room]

Police Officer #2: Well, a little less action than you’re used to, huh Nico?

Nico Tenelli: Yeah. [shoves him to the ground and enters the copy room, where he begins to make copies]

Richmeister: Nico! Nico Tenelli, the Tenellimeister, all right! Detective Tenelli, makin’ copies, the Tenellinator!

Nico Tenelli: Hey Rich.

Richmeister: Tenellitola! The guy who breaks the rules, the rule breakster!

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, I’m just trying to make a couple copies, now let me…

Richmeister: Nico Nicopolis!

Nico Tenelli: Do me a favor, shut up, all right?

Richmeister: Nico, the lone wolf! El lobo solo!

Nico Tenelli: I’m not in the mood for this, you know?

Richmeister: All right, Nico. Not in the mood! Bad moon for the Niguana!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me, I’m serious, I think you’d better shut up now, you know what I’m saying?

Richmeister: [singing in an operatic tone] Nickski!

Nico Tenelli: [walking Richmeister to copy machine] Come here, man, come here, I just want to show you what I’m thinking… [shoves Richmeister into copy machine, knocking it over]

Richmeister: Oh no, the Richmeister, thrown through the copy machine! Possible concussion for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli shoves him again] Nico, losing control! [Tenelli hangs Richmeister outside of the window by his ankles] All right!

Nico Tenelli: Now, listen to me…

Richmeister: Nico, got me by my ankles! The anklemeister!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me carefully. I don’t want you to talk about anything to me anymore, I don’t want you to say my name anymore, you hear me?

Richmeister: Everything’s upside down! Topsy turvy world for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli brings Richmeister back into the copy room]

Nico Tenelli: I don’t want you to talk to me no more, you got it?

Richmeister: All right! Nico, coolest cop on the force, hangin’ out with the Rich-Man! Nico!

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x