SNL Transcripts: Steven Seagal: 04/20/91: Nico Tenelli

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: Episode 18

90r: Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton

Nico Tenelli

Nico Tenelli…..Steven Seagal
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Police Chief…..Phil Hartman
Police Officer #1…..Julia Sweeney
Police Officer #2…..Chris Farley

[focus on a detective’s office]

Police Chief: Tenelli, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work. Improper searches, beatings, suspects, ever heard of a little thing called the Bill of Rights? Now I’ve got the ACLU up my behind and the DA has to throw out these indictments! [slams paper on desk]

Nico Tenelli: I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine, what do you think they were doing with it, making chalk for girls’ softball games?

Police Chief: Nico, as long as I’m running this department, everybody has civil rights, including drug dealers. And just to make sure you get the picture, Tenelli, I’m taking you off the streets. I want your badge and I want your gun. We’ll see how tough you are sitting behind a typewriter. [Tenelli hands over his badge] Is that clear? [Tenelli hands over his gun]

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, it’s clear. [leaves the office]

Police Officer #1: Welcome to the trenches, Nico. [hands him a paper]

Nico Tenelli: What you want me to do with this?

Police Officer #1: Make three copies, file one, send two to headquarters.

Nico Tenelli: Let me see your head… [strokes her hair and heads toward the door to the copy room]

Police Officer #2: Well, a little less action than you’re used to, huh Nico?

Nico Tenelli: Yeah. [shoves him to the ground and enters the copy room, where he begins to make copies]

Richmeister: Nico! Nico Tenelli, the Tenellimeister, all right! Detective Tenelli, makin’ copies, the Tenellinator!

Nico Tenelli: Hey Rich.

Richmeister: Tenellitola! The guy who breaks the rules, the rule breakster!

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, I’m just trying to make a couple copies, now let me…

Richmeister: Nico Nicopolis!

Nico Tenelli: Do me a favor, shut up, all right?

Richmeister: Nico, the lone wolf! El lobo solo!

Nico Tenelli: I’m not in the mood for this, you know?

Richmeister: All right, Nico. Not in the mood! Bad moon for the Niguana!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me, I’m serious, I think you’d better shut up now, you know what I’m saying?

Richmeister: [singing in an operatic tone] Nickski!

Nico Tenelli: [walking Richmeister to copy machine] Come here, man, come here, I just want to show you what I’m thinking… [shoves Richmeister into copy machine, knocking it over]

Richmeister: Oh no, the Richmeister, thrown through the copy machine! Possible concussion for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli shoves him again] Nico, losing control! [Tenelli hangs Richmeister outside of the window by his ankles] All right!

Nico Tenelli: Now, listen to me…

Richmeister: Nico, got me by my ankles! The anklemeister!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me carefully. I don’t want you to talk about anything to me anymore, I don’t want you to say my name anymore, you hear me?

Richmeister: Everything’s upside down! Topsy turvy world for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli brings Richmeister back into the copy room]

Nico Tenelli: I don’t want you to talk to me no more, you got it?

Richmeister: All right! Nico, coolest cop on the force, hangin’ out with the Rich-Man! Nico!

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

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