Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 18
Nico Tenelli…..Steven Seagal
Police Chief…..Phil Hartman
Police Officer #1…..Julia Sweeney
Police Officer #2…..Chris Farley
[focus on a detectives office]
Police Chief: Tenelli, Ive had about all I can stand of your kind of police work. Improper searches, beatings, suspects, ever heard of a little thing called the Bill of Rights? Now Ive got the ACLU up my behind and the DA has to throw out these indictments! [slams paper on desk]
Nico Tenelli: I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine, what do you think they were doing with it, making chalk for girls softball games?
Police Chief: Nico, as long as Im running this department, everybody has civil rights, including drug dealers. And just to make sure you get the picture, Tenelli, Im taking you off the streets. I want your badge and I want your gun. Well see how tough you are sitting behind a typewriter. [Tenelli hands over his badge] Is that clear? [Tenelli hands over his gun]
Nico Tenelli: Yeah, its clear. [leaves the office]
Police Officer #1: Welcome to the trenches, Nico. [hands him a paper]
Nico Tenelli: What you want me to do with this?
Police Officer #1: Make three copies, file one, send two to headquarters.
Nico Tenelli: Let me see your head [strokes her hair and heads toward the door to the copy room]
Police Officer #2: Well, a little less action than youre used to, huh Nico?
Nico Tenelli: Yeah. [shoves him to the ground and enters the copy room, where he begins to make copies]
Richmeister: Nico! Nico Tenelli, the Tenellimeister, all right! Detective Tenelli, makin copies, the Tenellinator!
Nico Tenelli: Hey Rich.
Richmeister: Tenellitola! The guy who breaks the rules, the rule breakster!
Nico Tenelli: Yeah, Im just trying to make a couple copies, now let me
Richmeister: Nico Nicopolis!
Nico Tenelli: Do me a favor, shut up, all right?
Richmeister: Nico, the lone wolf! El lobo solo!
Nico Tenelli: Im not in the mood for this, you know?
Richmeister: All right, Nico. Not in the mood! Bad moon for the Niguana!
Nico Tenelli: Listen to me, Im serious, I think youd better shut up now, you know what Im saying?
Richmeister: [singing in an operatic tone] Nickski!
Nico Tenelli: [walking Richmeister to copy machine] Come here, man, come here, I just want to show you what Im thinking [shoves Richmeister into copy machine, knocking it over]
Richmeister: Oh no, the Richmeister, thrown through the copy machine! Possible concussion for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli shoves him again] Nico, losing control! [Tenelli hangs Richmeister outside of the window by his ankles] All right!
Nico Tenelli: Now, listen to me
Richmeister: Nico, got me by my ankles! The anklemeister!
Nico Tenelli: Listen to me carefully. I dont want you to talk about anything to me anymore, I dont want you to say my name anymore, you hear me?
Richmeister: Everythings upside down! Topsy turvy world for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli brings Richmeister back into the copy room]
Nico Tenelli: I dont want you to talk to me no more, you got it?
Richmeister: All right! Nico, coolest cop on the force, hangin out with the Rich-Man! Nico!
Submitted by: Johnny Lurg