Wife…..Jan Hooks
Husband…..Kevin Nealon

Wife: [ entering house ] When I started back to work, there were not enough hours in the day. It seemed that life was divided between my job and my family. I was exhausted and run-down. So I asked my doctor hat to do, and he recommended this.. [ holds up package ] .. Balz-off.

Husband: Hi, honey! I got off work early, so I came straight home and fixed dinner. But don’t get up – just relax!

Wife: Non-prescription Balz-Off is safe, gentle to the stomach, and it works.

Husband: Here you go.

Wife: Why, thank you, honey!

Husband: Can I get you anything else?

Wife: [ as phone rings ] You can get the phone!

Husband: Sure, I’d love to. [ answers phone ]

Wife: Balz-off’s time-release formula last a full twenty-four hours. Two Balz-off tablets with breakfast, and he’s home all evening and glad to be there.

Husband: [ covers mouthpiece of phone ] It’s your mother.

Wife: I don’t want to talk to her.

Husband: She’s busy. Oh, no problem, I would love to take you to the florist.

Wife: It’s easy to use, and it’s effective. Here’s how Balz-off works: [ over silhoette of human male ] Hormonal signals build up here, in the freedom center. These signals are sent to the brain, where they cause pressure and confusion. Balz-Off effectively blocks these signals, eliminating problem behavior before it reaches the brain.

Husband: Dinner’s on the table.

Wife: Thanks. Hey.. isn’t tonight your poker night.

Husband: Yeah, but.. that’s just an excuse to drink beer, smoke big, smelly cigars and talk about women. I don’t think I need that.

Wife: Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you.

Announcer: New, prescription-strength Balz-Off. In regular, and new Italian strength.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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