Burger Barn


Burger Barn

Voice on Speaker…..Rob Schneider
Dad…..George Wendt
Mom…..Julia Sweeney
First Son…..Chris Farley
Grandma…..Jan Hooks
Second Son…..David Spade

[ open on suburban family crowded in the family car at the Burger Barn drive-thru ]

Voice on Speaker: Welcome to Burger Barn, how may I help you?

Dad: Uh.. yeah. We would like five burgers, please.

Voice on Speaker: How do you want ’em? They come with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onion.

Dad: That’s what we want.

Mom: Oh, honey, could I get mine without onions, please?

Dad: Okay, alright. One without onions.

First Son: And extra pickles on mine?

Dad: And extra pickles.

Voice on Speaker: So, one with no onions and extra pickles?

Dad: No.. no. Three lal the way, one with no onions, one all the way with extra pickles.

Voice on Speaker: Alright.

Dad: And five Cokes.

Voice on Speaker: What size?

[ family starts talking all at once ]

Dad: MEDIUM!! Medium, please.

Grandma: I don’t want a Coke, I want a glass of water.

Dad: Okay, four medium Cokes, one glass of water.

Voice on Speaker: I can give you the water, but I’ll have to charge you for a Coke.

Dad: Alright. I’ll pay for it.

Voice on Speaker: How about fries?

Dad: Uh.. yeah! Make it five orders of fries.

Grandma: Uh, well, if he’s gonna charge you for a Coke anyway, I’ll just have a Coke..

Dad: Okay, okay.. make it five medium Cokes, and just forget the water.

Second Son: [ pointing ] Hey, Dad, look! If you order a Buster Burger, the fries come with it! And that’s cheaper than a regular hamburger and fries!

Dad: [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. wait a minute..

Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir?

Dad: Uh, yeah.. make it five Buster Burgers, three all the way, one without onions, one with onions and extra pickles, and that all comes with fries, right?

Voice on Speaker: Yes, sir. And with lettuce and tomatoes.

Dad: Good. Well, put it on all five.

Mom: Honey, if I’m getting lettuce and tomatoes, then I don’t want mustard.

Dad: Okay, hold on here, we have a change.. We want five Buster Burgers, two all the way, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickle, lettuce and tomatoes, and one with mustard, ketchup, pickle and onions..

Voice on Speaker: Okay.

Grandma: Excuse me. Excuse me, but I’m just thinking – if I’m having a cola, I can’t have red meat. Now, it’s just gonna be too much acid in my stomach. Can I get a piece of fish, or something?

Dad: Alright, alright.. cancel one of the all the way Buster Burgers, and give me a fish sandwich..

Grandma: Without fries.

Voice on Speaker: It comes with fries – no charge.

Dad: Oh. Well, wait a minute.. [ turns around ] Uh, who has the burger without lettuce?

Second Son: I do, I do, Dad!

Dad: Okay, bear with me one minute: give me three Buster Burgers, one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes, one fish sandwich, and one regular burger with mustard, ketchup, pickle and tomatoes.. [ turns around ] And when the order gets here, you can have Grandma’s french fries.

Second Son: Cool!

Dad: Okay!

Grandma: I can’t eat fried foods..

Mom: Well, Mother, the fish is fried!

Grandma: What?! Well, then, can I just get a couple slices of bread?

Voice on Speaker: What’s that?!

Dad: Uh.. can we cancel the fish, and get two pieces of bread, please?

Voice on Speaker: We don’t have bread. I can give you a bun.

Dad: Fine! Fine!

Voice on Speaker: But I’ll have to charge you for a fish sandwich.

Dad: Well.. hey, why don’t you charge me for a burger?! It’s cheaper!

Voice on Speaker: I thought the old lady wanted a fish sandwich?

Dad: Well.. she wants a burger now! You got that? [ silence ] Hello?

Voice on Speaker: I’m confused..

Dad: Okay.. Three Buster Burgers! One all the way. One all the way with extra pickles! One with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes! One regular burger with mustard, onions, pickles and ketchup! One burger plain, with no meat..!

First Son: Dad! If Grandma doesn’t get her fish sandwich, then Doug doesn’t get any fries.

Dad: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!! Hold it! Hold it, hold it! Cancel the burger!

Voice on Speaker: Uh.. would you people, maybe, like to come in..? Take all the time you want, you know, maybe visit our salad bar..

Mom: [ excited ] Oh, a salad bar!

[ everyone in the car starts talking all at once ]

Dad: No! No! NOOOOOOO!!! Okay, starting OVER!! FIVE burgers with EVERYTHING!! FIVE medium COKES!! THE END!!

Voice on Speaker: Right. $11.65. Please drive around.

Mom: [ chipper ] Well, see, there you are! That was easy, wasn’t it?

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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