Ed McMahon…..Phil Hartman
[ the studio audience whoops and hollars as Carsenio takes the floor ]
Announcer: From NBC Studios, in Burbank, California, it’s time for “The Carsenio Show”, starring Carsenio. And now, let’s bang a gong and shake that groove thing for your party maestro! He-e-e-e-e-ere’s Carsenio!
Carsenio: This is, uh.. this is fun! This is wild stuff! Did you see this, Ed? [ raises his arm ] You just go “Whoop, whoop, whoop..!” [ audience mimics his actions ] ..and they go crazy! It’s just weird, wild stuff!
Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! Yes!
Carsenio: Just “Whoop, whoop, whoop!” and that’s it. Alright,alright.. my name is Carsenio, and this is going to be a party!
Ed McMahon: Ha ha ha! You are correct, sir, yes!
Carsenio: Alright, now let me ask you folks something.. have youever noticed how white guys hold themselves down there? What isthat about? I mean, what are they holding down there, anyway? And have you ever noticed when white people dance? Is that wild?
Ed McMahon: Yes!
Carsenio: They simply have got No rhythm! Okay, okay..everybody chill.. Now, some of you may have heard rumors that I was sort of on my out. Well, I had a talk with the network, and let’s just say that this homeboy intends to be around for a while!
Ed McMahon: Not going anywhere, no sir![ studio audience “Whoop, whoop, whoops” ]
Carsenio: Alright, alright.. Now, we made a few changes, a fewlittle tweaks here and there.. [ holds up his index finger ] I had thisfinger elongated. When you’re around 29 years, you shouldn’tbe afraid to make a few little adjustments, you know, for the young people..
Ed McMahon: Young America, yes sir!
Carsenio: Ed? Ed, have you noticed? Look who’s hanging out in the doghouse tonight – my man, Tom Kite! He is kicking butt on the PGA tour! Alright, alright.. we’ve got some critical guests tonight. Doc? You wanna give me a bass groove over there? [ music plays, as Carsenio starts to groove ] Nice! That is sweet! Sweet stuff! Oh, that’s nice! Buddy Hackett is in my house! Right here! Joan Embery is in my house! Alright, we’ve got a hot one, so let’s get down to business![ cut to commercial ]
Announcer: Right after “Carsenio”, stay up for “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!
Ed McMahon: [ dancing ] Ha ha ha! Tonight: Bell Biv Devo! Ha ha ha!
Announcer: “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”!
Ed McMahon: Yes![ cut back to “Carsenio” ]
Carsenio: Alright, alright.. that’s is nice. We are back! Boy,does that sound fine? That is my posse, Ed!
Ed McMahon: Yes!
Carsenio: Did you know that? It’s not called a band anymore, it’s called a “posse”! Weird, wild stuff!
Ed McMahon: That it is, sir, yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: A posse. I did not know that! Now, some of you at home may not understand this lingo, which, earlier today, our staff compiled from the streets. Now, when I said my guests were in my house, what I meant was, in the “studio”.
Ed McMahon: Yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: That is some weird, wild stuff! Now, according to this, an actual house is called a “crib”, but a baby crib is not necessarily called a crib. I did not know that.
Ed McMahon: Not a house, no sir!
Carsenio: No, not a house. It’s a little weird, a little skewed..
Ed McMahon: That is the straight stuff, oh Buckmaster!
Carsenio: Alright.. now, my first guest tonight, you all know. He plays Norm on the #1 show in America – “Cheers”. Let’s churn it up for Mr. George Wendt! [ Carsenio gives George the gangmember handshake and hug as he walks out ] Sit down, sit down! You are my main man! Are you my main man?
George Wendt: [ sitting ] Well, I guess so..
Ed McMahon: Main man, yes! Ha ha ha!
Carsenio: “Cheers”. That is a fresh, fly show. Now, tell me,George, I want to ask you this: how often do you do the Wild Thing?
George Wendt: Johnny, Johnny.. what are you doing here? Are youtrying to change your image? Why don’t you stick to what you do best?
Carsenio: Well, I like to think what I do best is the Wild Thing! [ audience whoops ] Is this dope? Is this dope stuff? Look at this! [ stretches across the cushions and strikes his legs through the air ]
George Wendt: [ pulls Johnny up ] Johnny, come on, now.. I’m concerned about you. A drastic personality change like this can really be very dangerous.
Carsenio: Dangerous? I did not know that? Did you know that, Ed?
Ed McMahon: [ solemn ] Yes.
George Wendt: You shouldn’t feel embarassed, this is rather common among people your age.
Ed McMahon: Secondary Latent Personality Displacement, O Great One, yes!
Carsenio: Well, this is some wild, wacky stuff! I did not knowthat. But what about these people.. [ indicates studio audience ] ..”Whoop, whoop, whoop..”?
George Wendt: Johnny, the truth is.. they’re morons.
Ed McMahon: Morons? Morons? I did not know that. Well, good night, everyone. I’ve got to wrap the show now. We’ll be back in 23 hours – you see how that works? There’s 24 hours, minus 1. Weird, wild stuff![ fade out ]