Mr. No-Depth Perception


Mr. No-Depth Perception

Mr. No-Depth Perception…..Kevin Nealon
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Mike…..Phil Hartman
Anita…..Jan Hooks
Brenda…..Julia Sweeney
Date…..Chris Farley

[ open in the kitchen of a new house ]

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ shouting needlessly ] Now that thefurniture’s here, this place is starting to feel more like a home!

Wife: Honey, you don’t have to yell, I’m only one foot away.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh. Sorry. Hey, let me get this trayfor you.. [ grabs tray and walks to the dining room table ]

Wife: No! No, Jerry, let me do it..!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Nonsense. [ holds tray in front of table, and lets it drop to the floor ]

“Is it far, far away, or just close by
It all looks the same, when seen from the eye
of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception.
He can’t explain, why to his brain
it all looks like a two-dimensional plane.
He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception.”

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Dinner Party”.

[ Mr. No-Depth Perception and a friend are watching golf on television as their wives prepare the dinner ]

Mike: Wow, he’s on the green!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Yeah, but why’s he using his putter? He’s gotta be at least 200 yards from the hole!

[ the wives enter with the dinner ]

Wife: Dinner’s on, boys! Brenda called and said that she and her date were running late, so we should start without them.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Okay, honey! Smells great!

Mike: You guys, this is a great location! Are you prettymuch moved in now?

Wife: Yeah, just about. We.. [ sees her husband trying to chew a roll that’s still 5 feet from his mouth, so she pushes it closer ] We have one more truckload that they have to deliver.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ sees Anita take out a cigarette ] Oh! Here, let me get that for you! [ takes out his lighter and holds it in front of his face instead of hers ]

Anita: Uh.. Jerry, you know what? I’ve got a lighter right here, I can do it myself, okay?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, okay. I get it – one of those feminists! Alright!

Wife: So, Mike, Anita tells me you’ve got a new hobby?

Mike: That’s right! Skydiving.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh? I’d like to try that sometime.

Wife: Uh.. no, Jerry! No skydiving.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, come on, don’t be a worrywart! I bet it’s a lot of fun. [ tips over the champagne bottle; Mike quickly thrusts his glass beneath the bottle, the women repeat the procedure ] You know, just ground coming up at you, pulling that rip cord at just the right time! [ finished pouring champagne, he releases the bottle onto the table – of course it crashes to the floor ]

Anita: Um.. Jerry, would you pass me a roll, please?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, sure. [ picks up a roll and flings it across the table ]

Wife: [ picks up the basket of rolls and hands it to Anita ] Here you go.

Anita: Oh, thanks. [ a car can be heard pulling up ] Hey, is that Brenda I hear pulling up?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Probably. Let me check. [ gets up and walks to the window to see who it is, his head crashing through one of the panes ] Yeah, it looks like her.

[ Brenda and her date enter the front door ]

Brenda: Hi, everybody! This is my boyfriend, Gary.

Gary: Hi, everyone!

Wife: Hi! Sit down!

Brenda: Oh, this looks delicious!

Wife: Oh, wait, let me get another plate. [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ looks at Brenda and her date, then turns to “whisper” to Mike ] I can’t believe Brenda’s dating this loser! You know what she’s after, right?! I bet he’s got money, or something!

Mike: [ embarrassed ] Jerry..

Mr. No-Depth Perception: What? Oh, relax! He can’t hear me way down there! [ Gary fidgets in his seat ] That Brenda’s a real looker, huh? I bet she had a boob job! You know, we had a little thing going last summer, me and her! Nice! Nice! [ a truck beeps outside ] Whoops! That must be the moving truck. I’d better get out there. [ runs outside ]

Wife: [ returns to the party with a plate for Brenda ] Alrighty,here we go. Where’d Jerry go?

Anita: Oh, he said he’d be right back. Something about a movingtruck?

Wife: [ worried ] Oh, no..!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ heard from outside ] Alright, come on, back it in, plenty of room! Back it in, plenty of room!

[ suddenly, the truck crashes into the front room, as everyone screams ]

“He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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