Mr. No-Depth Perception

Mr. No-Depth Perception

Mr. No-Depth Perception…..Kevin Nealon
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Mike…..Phil Hartman
Anita…..Jan Hooks
Brenda…..Julia Sweeney
Date…..Chris Farley

[ open in the kitchen of a new house ]

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ shouting needlessly ] Now that thefurniture’s here, this place is starting to feel more like a home!

Wife: Honey, you don’t have to yell, I’m only one foot away.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh. Sorry. Hey, let me get this trayfor you.. [ grabs tray and walks to the dining room table ]

Wife: No! No, Jerry, let me do it..!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Nonsense. [ holds tray in front of table, and lets it drop to the floor ]

“Is it far, far away, or just close by
It all looks the same, when seen from the eye
of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception.
He can’t explain, why to his brain
it all looks like a two-dimensional plane.
He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception.”

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Dinner Party”.

[ Mr. No-Depth Perception and a friend are watching golf on television as their wives prepare the dinner ]

Mike: Wow, he’s on the green!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Yeah, but why’s he using his putter? He’s gotta be at least 200 yards from the hole!

[ the wives enter with the dinner ]

Wife: Dinner’s on, boys! Brenda called and said that she and her date were running late, so we should start without them.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Okay, honey! Smells great!

Mike: You guys, this is a great location! Are you prettymuch moved in now?

Wife: Yeah, just about. We.. [ sees her husband trying to chew a roll that’s still 5 feet from his mouth, so she pushes it closer ] We have one more truckload that they have to deliver.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ sees Anita take out a cigarette ] Oh! Here, let me get that for you! [ takes out his lighter and holds it in front of his face instead of hers ]

Anita: Uh.. Jerry, you know what? I’ve got a lighter right here, I can do it myself, okay?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, okay. I get it – one of those feminists! Alright!

Wife: So, Mike, Anita tells me you’ve got a new hobby?

Mike: That’s right! Skydiving.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh? I’d like to try that sometime.

Wife: Uh.. no, Jerry! No skydiving.

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, come on, don’t be a worrywart! I bet it’s a lot of fun. [ tips over the champagne bottle; Mike quickly thrusts his glass beneath the bottle, the women repeat the procedure ] You know, just ground coming up at you, pulling that rip cord at just the right time! [ finished pouring champagne, he releases the bottle onto the table – of course it crashes to the floor ]

Anita: Um.. Jerry, would you pass me a roll, please?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, sure. [ picks up a roll and flings it across the table ]

Wife: [ picks up the basket of rolls and hands it to Anita ] Here you go.

Anita: Oh, thanks. [ a car can be heard pulling up ] Hey, is that Brenda I hear pulling up?

Mr. No-Depth Perception: Probably. Let me check. [ gets up and walks to the window to see who it is, his head crashing through one of the panes ] Yeah, it looks like her.

[ Brenda and her date enter the front door ]

Brenda: Hi, everybody! This is my boyfriend, Gary.

Gary: Hi, everyone!

Wife: Hi! Sit down!

Brenda: Oh, this looks delicious!

Wife: Oh, wait, let me get another plate. [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ looks at Brenda and her date, then turns to “whisper” to Mike ] I can’t believe Brenda’s dating this loser! You know what she’s after, right?! I bet he’s got money, or something!

Mike: [ embarrassed ] Jerry..

Mr. No-Depth Perception: What? Oh, relax! He can’t hear me way down there! [ Gary fidgets in his seat ] That Brenda’s a real looker, huh? I bet she had a boob job! You know, we had a little thing going last summer, me and her! Nice! Nice! [ a truck beeps outside ] Whoops! That must be the moving truck. I’d better get out there. [ runs outside ]

Wife: [ returns to the party with a plate for Brenda ] Alrighty,here we go. Where’d Jerry go?

Anita: Oh, he said he’d be right back. Something about a movingtruck?

Wife: [ worried ] Oh, no..!

Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ heard from outside ] Alright, come on, back it in, plenty of room! Back it in, plenty of room!

[ suddenly, the truck crashes into the front room, as everyone screams ]

“He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception!”

[ fade ]

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