Mr. No-Depth Perception
Mr. No-Depth Perception…..Kevin Nealon
[ open in the kitchen of a new house ]
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ shouting needlessly ] Now that thefurniture’s here, this place is starting to feel more like a home!
Wife: Honey, you don’t have to yell, I’m only one foot away.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh. Sorry. Hey, let me get this trayfor you.. [ grabs tray and walks to the dining room table ]
Wife: No! No, Jerry, let me do it..!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Nonsense. [ holds tray in front of table, and lets it drop to the floor ]
“Is it far, far away, or just close by
It all looks the same, when seen from the eye
of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception.
He can’t explain, why to his brain
it all looks like a two-dimensional plane.
He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception.”
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Dinner Party”.
[ Mr. No-Depth Perception and a friend are watching golf on television as their wives prepare the dinner ]
Mike: Wow, he’s on the green!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Yeah, but why’s he using his putter? He’s gotta be at least 200 yards from the hole!
[ the wives enter with the dinner ]
Wife: Dinner’s on, boys! Brenda called and said that she and her date were running late, so we should start without them.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Okay, honey! Smells great!
Mike: You guys, this is a great location! Are you prettymuch moved in now?
Wife: Yeah, just about. We.. [ sees her husband trying to chew a roll that’s still 5 feet from his mouth, so she pushes it closer ] We have one more truckload that they have to deliver.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ sees Anita take out a cigarette ] Oh! Here, let me get that for you! [ takes out his lighter and holds it in front of his face instead of hers ]
Anita: Uh.. Jerry, you know what? I’ve got a lighter right here, I can do it myself, okay?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, okay. I get it – one of those feminists! Alright!
Wife: So, Mike, Anita tells me you’ve got a new hobby?
Mike: That’s right! Skydiving.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh? I’d like to try that sometime.
Wife: Uh.. no, Jerry! No skydiving.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, come on, don’t be a worrywart! I bet it’s a lot of fun. [ tips over the champagne bottle; Mike quickly thrusts his glass beneath the bottle, the women repeat the procedure ] You know, just ground coming up at you, pulling that rip cord at just the right time! [ finished pouring champagne, he releases the bottle onto the table – of course it crashes to the floor ]
Anita: Um.. Jerry, would you pass me a roll, please?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, sure. [ picks up a roll and flings it across the table ]
Wife: [ picks up the basket of rolls and hands it to Anita ] Here you go.
Anita: Oh, thanks. [ a car can be heard pulling up ] Hey, is that Brenda I hear pulling up?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Probably. Let me check. [ gets up and walks to the window to see who it is, his head crashing through one of the panes ] Yeah, it looks like her.
[ Brenda and her date enter the front door ]
Brenda: Hi, everybody! This is my boyfriend, Gary.
Gary: Hi, everyone!
Wife: Hi! Sit down!
Brenda: Oh, this looks delicious!
Wife: Oh, wait, let me get another plate. [ retreats to the kitchen ]
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ looks at Brenda and her date, then turns to “whisper” to Mike ] I can’t believe Brenda’s dating this loser! You know what she’s after, right?! I bet he’s got money, or something!
Mike: [ embarrassed ] Jerry..
Mr. No-Depth Perception: What? Oh, relax! He can’t hear me way down there! [ Gary fidgets in his seat ] That Brenda’s a real looker, huh? I bet she had a boob job! You know, we had a little thing going last summer, me and her! Nice! Nice! [ a truck beeps outside ] Whoops! That must be the moving truck. I’d better get out there. [ runs outside ]
Wife: [ returns to the party with a plate for Brenda ] Alrighty,here we go. Where’d Jerry go?
Anita: Oh, he said he’d be right back. Something about a movingtruck?
Wife: [ worried ] Oh, no..!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ heard from outside ] Alright, come on, back it in, plenty of room! Back it in, plenty of room!
[ suddenly, the truck crashes into the front room, as everyone screams ]
“He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception!”
[ fade ]