It’s Pat!

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It’s Pat!

Barber…..George Wendt
Pat…..Julia Sweeney


Jingle:
A lot of people say, “What’s that?” It’s Pat!
A lot of people ask, “Who’s he? Or she?”
A ma’am or a sir, accept him or her
or whatever it might be.
It’s time for androgyny.
Here comes Pat!

[ open on Pat sitting in a barber’s chair ]

Barber: So, uh.. what can we do for you today, huh?

Pat: I’m going to a party tonight, and I want to look my best![ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Okay.. do you want to change your look a lot, or maybe just have, you know, a trim?

Pat: I’m in your hands! Work your magic! [ laughsuncomfortably ]

Barber: [ greatly confused by the sexless appearance of the character in front of him ] You know, I don’t usually ask this.. but why don’t you tell me what you’re going to wear tonight, and that might help me out.

Pat: It’s a formal event.

Barber: Ah.. So, I guess that means you’ll be wearing..?

Pat: Black. All black.

Barber: Okay.. fine.. I’ll just give you a trim, then..

Pat: Fine.

Barber: [ still not sure what to do ] Listen.. uh.. while I’mcutting your hair, would you like some magazines to read? Perhaps Sports Illustrated? [ Pat groans ] I have Glamour!

Pat: Oh, what about People?

Barber: [ hands the magazine to it ] Alright, here you go.. [ starts to trim Pat’s hair ] Okay.. will you be taking someone special to the party tonight?

Pat: Cary. And Frances and Robin, a group of us are going.
Barber: I see.. Well, then, of course, this would be a night out for the..?

Pat: Co-workers. [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Hmm.. You have a nice head of hair here.. No, no hairloss here at all, huh?

Pat: That’s good. Both my parents had a full head of hair.

Barber: Yeah… [ laughs ] You know, the baldness gene is recessive, and uh.. carried by the female. So, now, if you had a male child, would you be certain that it would never go bald? Or would you be frightened, depending on the heredity of your spouse, that it might?

Pat: Might what?

Barber: Go bald.!

Pat: I don’t know! I just want a haircut!

Barber: Alright.. Well, okay, that’ll do it, you’re all finished. I’m sorry I got carried away there. I thought I was on to something there.. But I think we’re just about done.. [ turns the chair around to face the mirror ]

Pat: Oh, I look fabulous! I look like a million bucks! Ifeel so sexy! [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Good, good.. Tell you what, why don’t I brush you off alittle bit?

Pat: Thank you very much! I’ll look very nice for my party tonight! [ laughs uncomfortably, as the Barber brushes hair off around the breast area ] Thank you, that’s good.. [ the Barber brushes hair away from the crotch area ] Hey! That

Barber: Sorry. These little hairs tend to hide out on you..

Pat: How much do I owe you?

Barber: Well.. uh.. gee.. the price chart is right over there..[ points to a sign on the wall that reads “Haircut & Style, Men: $15, Women: $17.50” ] Those would be your various prices, for either of your various haircuts..

Pat: Alright. [ takes out some money ] Here’s a twenty.

Barber: Twenty? Okay.. so, change back from your twenty.. you’dlike some change, of course.. some change..

Pat: Alright, I know what you’re doing.

Barber: You do?

Pat: Yes. And I don’t appreciate it. [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Listen, I’m sorry.. I’ve just never been in this situation before..

Pat: You’ve never been tipped before?! I doubt that! You’revery good – you can keep the change! [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Uh.. thank you!

Jingle:
It’s time for androgyny.
That’s just Pat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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