It’s Pat!

It’s Pat!

Barber…..George Wendt
Pat…..Julia Sweeney

A lot of people say, “What’s that?” It’s Pat!
A lot of people ask, “Who’s he? Or she?”
A ma’am or a sir, accept him or her
or whatever it might be.
It’s time for androgyny.
Here comes Pat!

[ open on Pat sitting in a barber’s chair ]

Barber: So, uh.. what can we do for you today, huh?

Pat: I’m going to a party tonight, and I want to look my best![ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Okay.. do you want to change your look a lot, or maybe just have, you know, a trim?

Pat: I’m in your hands! Work your magic! [ laughsuncomfortably ]

Barber: [ greatly confused by the sexless appearance of the character in front of him ] You know, I don’t usually ask this.. but why don’t you tell me what you’re going to wear tonight, and that might help me out.

Pat: It’s a formal event.

Barber: Ah.. So, I guess that means you’ll be wearing..?

Pat: Black. All black.

Barber: Okay.. fine.. I’ll just give you a trim, then..

Pat: Fine.

Barber: [ still not sure what to do ] Listen.. uh.. while I’mcutting your hair, would you like some magazines to read? Perhaps Sports Illustrated? [ Pat groans ] I have Glamour!

Pat: Oh, what about People?

Barber: [ hands the magazine to it ] Alright, here you go.. [ starts to trim Pat’s hair ] Okay.. will you be taking someone special to the party tonight?

Pat: Cary. And Frances and Robin, a group of us are going.
Barber: I see.. Well, then, of course, this would be a night out for the..?

Pat: Co-workers. [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Hmm.. You have a nice head of hair here.. No, no hairloss here at all, huh?

Pat: That’s good. Both my parents had a full head of hair.

Barber: Yeah… [ laughs ] You know, the baldness gene is recessive, and uh.. carried by the female. So, now, if you had a male child, would you be certain that it would never go bald? Or would you be frightened, depending on the heredity of your spouse, that it might?

Pat: Might what?

Barber: Go bald.!

Pat: I don’t know! I just want a haircut!

Barber: Alright.. Well, okay, that’ll do it, you’re all finished. I’m sorry I got carried away there. I thought I was on to something there.. But I think we’re just about done.. [ turns the chair around to face the mirror ]

Pat: Oh, I look fabulous! I look like a million bucks! Ifeel so sexy! [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Good, good.. Tell you what, why don’t I brush you off alittle bit?

Pat: Thank you very much! I’ll look very nice for my party tonight! [ laughs uncomfortably, as the Barber brushes hair off around the breast area ] Thank you, that’s good.. [ the Barber brushes hair away from the crotch area ] Hey! That

Barber: Sorry. These little hairs tend to hide out on you..

Pat: How much do I owe you?

Barber: Well.. uh.. gee.. the price chart is right over there..[ points to a sign on the wall that reads “Haircut & Style, Men: $15, Women: $17.50” ] Those would be your various prices, for either of your various haircuts..

Pat: Alright. [ takes out some money ] Here’s a twenty.

Barber: Twenty? Okay.. so, change back from your twenty.. you’dlike some change, of course.. some change..

Pat: Alright, I know what you’re doing.

Barber: You do?

Pat: Yes. And I don’t appreciate it. [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Listen, I’m sorry.. I’ve just never been in this situation before..

Pat: You’ve never been tipped before?! I doubt that! You’revery good – you can keep the change! [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Barber: Uh.. thank you!

It’s time for androgyny.
That’s just Pat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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