Bill Swerski’s Super Fans
Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Carl Wollarski…..Robert Smigel
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Show opens at Ditka’s Restaurant, Chicago
Bob Swerski: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Bill Swerski’s Superfans. I’m Bob Swerski, sittin’ in for my brother Bill, who is still recovering from that dreadful heart attack. With me as always are the Superfans, Pat Arnold-
Pat Arnold: Hey Bob.
Bob Swerski: Carl Wollarski-
Carl Wollarski: Hey Bob.
Bob Swerski: And Todd O’Conner-
Todd O’Conner: How are ya’ Bob?
Bob Swerski: Real good. Real good. Once again, we’re comin’ to ya from Ditka’s Restaurant in the heart of Chicago, the city of the big shoulders, and home to a certain team, which come January will run roughshod over the competition in Super Bowl XXVI. A team that is known as…..Da Bears!
Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs) Da Bears!
Todd O’Conner: Why are we so blessed?
Bob Swerski: Well, we’ll get to that later Todd, but first off, we’re gettin’ ready to enjoy today’s basketball game folks, in which the Detroit Pistons are gonna run into a certain team from a certain town known for it’s Polish Sausage, assumed to be the home of….Da Bulls!
Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs again) Da Bulls!
Bob Swerski: Okay, some predictions from the sports fans on today’s game. Pat?
Pat Arnold: Bulls, one forty-nine to twenty-tree.
Bob Swerski: Carl?
Carl Wollarski: Bulls, one forty-nine to fifty-two.
Bob Swerski: Okay, some difference in opinion there between you guys. Todd?
Todd O’Conner: Bulls, four hundred and two to zip!
Bob Swerski: Okay! Real good!
Todd O’Conner: But, Michael Jordan will be held to under two-hundred points.
Bob Swerski: Todd, one-hundred points is the record.
Todd O’Conner: “Was”.
Superfans: Da Bulls!
Bob Swerski: As you know, basketball is a pleasant diversion, but let us get back to a more serious topic-
Pat Arnold: Da Bears!
Superfans: Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: Now when we were last privileged to observe Da Bears, they were playing the Giants in the Postseason. The final score of that game was thirty-one to three, and I shant say who won. Pat, what happened?
Pat Arnold: I think its pretty obvious Coach Ditka had his mind on more important things.
Carl Wollarski: There was a war on, my friend.
Todd O’Conner: Thats right, our boyssss were overseassss.
Pat Arnold: Yeah. Ditka was probably too busy helping Schwarzkopf.
Todd O’Conner: Yeah, like that Hail Mary. Tell me that didn’t have Ditka’s name ALL OVER IT!
Bob Swerski: Mmm..Hmm. Absolutley. Absolutley. (A waitress comes holding a tray of nachos and beers)
Waitress: Did you guys order the uhhh..nachos or the beers?
Superfans: Da beers!
Pat Arnold: You know gentlemen, I may not even watch the basketball game today.
Bob Swerski: Yeah?
Pat Arnold: I may turn my attention to the Indianapolis 500.
Bob Swerski: Well, at least the outcome of that is in question. Who do you gentlemen like in a race? Now the favorites are Rick Mears, A.J. Foyt, and Gary Bettenhousen.
Pat Arnold: I like Mears.
Carl Wollarski: Mears.
Todd O’Conner: MEARS!
Superfans: Rick Mears!
Bob Swerski: Now what if Da Bears were to enter the Indianapolis 500? Uhhh, what would you predict would be the outcome, huh?
Todd O’Conner: How would they compete?
Bob Swerski: Well, let’s say they rode together in a big bus.
Carl Wollarski: Is Ditka driving?
Bob Swerski: Of course.
Carl Wollarski: Then I like Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: Sure.
Todd O’Conner: Yeah, I gotta go with Da Bear Bus!
Superfans: Da Bear Bus!
Carl Wollarski: Bus full of Bears!
Pat Arnold: See, I don’t know, you know, I may still have to go with Mears, you know? But you guys figure it out.
Bob Swerski: That’s all right Pat. There are no easy questions in this life my friend. Except for one, that of couse being the triumphant party at next year’s Super Bowl.
Pat Arnold: I know of whom you speak.
Bob Swerski: Let’s just say that the winner shall be a certain team, from a certain Mid-western town, that starts with a “C”, ends with an “O”, and in the middle is “HICAG”. (The Superfans raise their beer mugs in agreement)
Todd O’Conner: (Reading a newspaper) Ya know, believe it or not Bob, according to the odds-makers, San Fransisco is favored to win the Super Bowl.
Bob Swerski: San Fransisco huh? Well, you know whO’s gonna be happy about that then. Da queers!
Superfans: Da queers!
Bob Swerski: Well, we’ll see ya’ next week. Now what if Da Bears had entered The Preakness?
Superfans: Da Bears!
Thanks to Justin Chilinski for this transcript!