Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff…..Chris Farley
[ Music Over: “Go Your Own Way”, Fleetwood Mac ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchroperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?
President Bush reported that he shed ten pounds in the last three weeks, and hopes to lose another 165 pounds by November 1992.
[ show picture of Bush with Quayle ] [ over picture of Kissinger next to a U.S. map ]Henry Kissinger flipped out this week on “The CBS Morning News”, and began revealing the secret location of missile silos in the midwestern United States.
An additional 47 1/2 hours of President Nixon’s Watergate tapes will be made public this summer, said the National Archives this week. If the tapes do well, Nixon may be coming out with a new album in the Fall.
Dennis Miller: This week, General Norman Scwartzkoff got into some hot water, speaking to the West Point cadet corps. He called Pentagon insiders who criticized the Army “military fairies”, a phrase which offended some of the gay and lesbian community. Here to clarify his meaning, is General “Stormin'” Norman Schwartzkoff. Welcome, General!
Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff: Well, thank you, Dennis! Let me say right off that, when I used the term “fairy”, I was speaking colloquially. Where I grw up in New Jersey, the word “fairy” was often substituted for other terms. For instance, on my block, the Staten Island Ferry is called the Statan Island Gay Boy. And, of course, we all believed in the Tooth Faggot! Let’s not let this minor incident diminish the fact that our combined forces kicked some Iraqi butt! Hell, we got the damn thing on video cassette! Those Iraqis are lucky I had an army, ’cause if I didn’t, I would have been forced to go over there myself and personally beat the livin’ tar out of each and every individual who came within my parameter! [ stands ] And I’ll tell you one more thing: I want Holyfield! I want Holyfield! I showed you what these guns can do in the Middle East, now I’m gonna show what they can do in the ring! This summer, Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal: Holyfield/Schwartzkoff!! It’s the War on the Shore! I’m the Whale That Prevails! Vander, you’re going DOWN, Sir! In three! You will take your punishment! [ rips open shirt to reveal “Stormin’ Norman” t-shirt ]
Dennis Miller: General Norman Schwartzkoff, folks. You need one of those spit shields from the salad bar..
Spike Lee and Anthony Quinn posed at the Cannes Film Festival in the south of France this week, where they propsed plans to do a new film together, called “The Nike High Tops of the Fisherman”.
Dennis Miller: In the past few weeks, there’s been speculation that President Bush will drop Vice-President Dan Quayle from the Republican ticket, and replace him with Colin Powell, giving Mr. Powell the chance to become the country’s first black Vice-President. More on this story, from our “Saturday Night Live” news correspondent. Please welcome Chris Rock. Chris?
Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis! Now, as you know, there’s a lot of talk about a black Vice-President, and I want to tell the world that it’s not gonna happen. As long as you live, you wil never see a black Vice-President. You know why? ‘Cause some black guy will just kill the President, that’s why. I would do it. If Colin Powell was Vice-President, I would kill the President, and tlel his mother about it, okay? What would happen? What would they do? What are they gonna do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys who are gonna treat me like a hero for the rest of my life? I would be the biggest star in jail, man! Guys would be coming up to me, I’d be signing autographs: “97-KY, there you go!” Guys would be saying, “Hey, man, you the brother that shot Bush! And you told his mother about it, huh? Yo, I hope my children turn out to be just like you, man! You know, I was getting ready to rape you, until I realized who you were!” And even if they had a death penalty, what would would happen? I would just get pardoned by the black President! So, as you can see, Dennis, it would not be in George Bush’s best interests to place Colin Powell on the ticket. Thanks a lot, Dennis!
Dennis Miller: Chris Rock!
Superbowl champion New York Giant coach, Bill Parcells, is leaving his job as Head Coach of the team. Parcells told the press that he told the guys not to dump Gatorade on him again, they went ahead and did it, so he’s gone
Dennis Miller: Well, this is my last show.. I want to thank all the people I worked with, you couldn’t ask for a nicer group of people. And I want to thank all of you. It’s been my real privilege to work here, and I’ll msis it a lot. Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!