Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley


Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
…..Michael Jordan


Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

[ turns to camera ]

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley! Well, I’m still receiving some negative reaction from my show on Pee Wee Herman, titled, “There But For The Grace Of God Go I”, and, I have to admit, it’s not my best show.. but that’s o-kay. I have to give myself permission to do a bad show every now and then. Okay.. for those of you who watch the show regularly, you know that I don’t have guests, I always do the show alone.. and that’s.. o-kay. But yesterday, my producer said, “Stuart, I can get you a guest that you would be insane not to have on the show.” So I decided to take a risk – in life, you have to take risks – and, today we have a guest.. [ reveal Michael Jordan sitting next to Stuart ] ..and his name is Michael J. – I’ll protect your anonymity. Michael is a basketball player for a professional basketball team. Well, that’s very good, Michael, you should be very proud of yourself.

Michael Jordan: Well, thank you, Stuart. I am.

Stuart Smalley: Well, good for you! Good for you! Um, Michael.. I know there must be a lot of pressure for you to play very well, and I can imagine that the night before a game, you must lie awake thinking, “I’m not good enough.. everybody’s better than me.. I’m not going to score any points.. I have no business playing this game..”

Michael Jordan: Well.. not really.

Stuart Smalley: Michael, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

Michael Jordan: Well.. I do sometimes get a little nervous before important basketball games.

Stuart Smalley: I thought so. And that’s.. o-kay. You’re not alone. Believe me, I know what it’s like.. laying there alone.. all those tapes rolling: “I’m a fraud.. tomorrow, I’m going to be exposed for what I am, a big imposter.. I just want to curl up and lay in bed all day and eat Fig Newtons.”

Michael Jordan: Well.. something like that.

Stuart Smalley: Right. Well, Michael, those negative thoughts are your critical inner thoughts saying those things to you, and I want you to replace those negative thoughts with someting positive – a daily affirmation.

Michael Jordan: Affirmation?

Stuart Smalley: Yes. Now, look in the mirror. Come on, don’t look at me. Only you can help you. [ Michael faces the mirror ] That’s it. Say, “Hello, Michael.”

Michael Jordan: [ trying to suppress his laughter ] “Hello, Michael.”

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be a great basketball player..”

Michael Jordan: “I don’t have to be a great basketball player..”

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket..”

Michael Jordan: “I don’t have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket..”

Stuart Smalley: “Because all I have to do is be the best Michael I can be.”

Michael Jordan: “All I have to do is be the best Michael I can be.”

Stuart Smalley: “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!”

Michael Jordan: “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!”

Stuart Smalley: Now, don’t you feel better?

Michael Jordan: Well, I never really felt bad!

Stuart Smalley: Michael..

Michael Jordan: No, it’s true. Stuart, I guess pretty much of the time, I’m a very happy person. I mean, I’m a blessed person – God gave me the talent to play basketball, and I have been able to spread some of that talent, and some of that good feeling, towards everybody, to inspire other people, and help people achieve their dreams.

Stuart Smalley: [ glum ] I am just a fool.. I.. I don’t know what I’m doing.. they’re gonna cancel the show.. I’m gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight.. and no one will ever love me..

Michael Jordan: Stuart, that’s just not true. I think what you say on your show can be very helpful to people.

Stuart Smalley: You think so?

Michael Jordan: Yes! Definitely! I just don’t think it helps beating yourself up that way.

Stuart Smalley: You’re right. It’s just stinking thinking.

Michael Jordan: And, after all, this show is your dream. It’s a good dream! You deserve to have dreams come true! [ Stuart nods ] Feel better? Would you like a hug?

[ Stuart and Michael hug ]

Stuart Smalley: Thank you, Michael.

Michael Jordan: Thank you, Stuart!

Stuart Smalley: You know what? I think this is the best show I’ve ever done. And you know what? I deserve it! [ turns to his mirror ] Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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