Bill Swerski’s Super Fans


Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
…..Michael Jordan

Bob: Hello my friends, and welcome to another Bill swerski Super Fans. I’m Bob Swerski, sitting in for my brother Bill, who is recovering from his most recent heart attack and with me as always, The Super Fans. Pat Arnold.

Pat: Hey Bob.

Bob: Carl Wollarski.

Carl: Hey Bob.

Bob: And Todd O’Conner.

Todd: How are ya’ Bob?

Bob: Real good. We are coming to you as always, from Ditka’s Restaurant in Chicago, IL. Birth place of the baby back rib, and home to a certain undefeated team, in witch come January will be hosting, hoisting, a certain Super Bowl Trophy over it’s collective head. A team that is known as, DA Bears!

Together: Da Bears!!

Todd: (Burp) that’s was me!

Bob: Very nice, alright, by the way I should mention that Todd, was kind of enough to show up today. Even though earlier this week, he had yet another heart attack.

Todd: It’s alright Bob; actually this one was really just fibulation. So I just got to limit my Pork intake to Four Hundred grams a day!

Carl: Yeah it’s Tuff.

Todd: Yeah, well the doc says, I have a small piece of Polish Sausage, lodged in the lining of my heart.

Bob: Good luck with that. Now let’s turn our attention to another dynasty in progress, Da Bulls!

Together: Da Bulls!!

Bob: Ok Gentleman, the Bulls are preparing to defend their crown, and gentleman, the only question is not will they repeat, but how many times?

Pat: You know, I I don’t think were talking a repeat, a three peat, or even a four peat.

Carl: That’s right, were talking a minimum eight peat.

Todd: Absolutely.

Bob: Which brings us to our very special guest, you know him as the Airman.

Together: Da Air…….Man

Bob: Here he is Michael Jordan. (Michael Enters)….Alright, Michael I do know the boys have a lot of questions, so uh let’s get started. Gentleman.

Carl: Yeah well Michael uh, what about the Olympics. You’re representing our country. Isn’t there a concern that these games are a little lop sided?

Bob: Yeah, why don’t you just play these countries by yourself?

Todd: Yeah that’s a good idea.

Michael: I don’t think they would let me do that, guys.

Carl: What if you could have two players? Say you, and a certain coach Ditka.

Pat: That’s already unfair again.

Todd: Yeah that’s no contest.

Bob: If I may shift gears for a moment gentleman, coach Ditka vs. The Hurricane, who would win?

Todd, Pat, Carl: Ditka, Ditka!!

Bob: Hold on, Hold on, Hold on. The name of the Hurricane is Hurricane Ditka.

(Todd begins to pound chest)…..Is everything ok?

Todd: No problem, just having a heart attack. (Pounds Chest)……..Almost over! Done. Done.

Bob: Very good. Very nice recovery, now how many heart attacks is that for you Todd?

Todd: That make’s a baker’s dozen for me.

Carl: Yeah, I’ve only had six.

Bob: Well that’s something to shoot for Carl.

Michael: Bob, you don’t mind if I say something do you?

Bob: Course, go ahead.

Michael: Well it’s just about the Michael Jordan Foundation, it was established about five years ago, by my mother. I mean I am really proud of it. You know, it was established in the mid-west, I think it helps a lot of good cases. Cases like the Ronald McDonald house, Lung cancer mid-west, HIV research fund, etc. I really think it’s a good organization. I just thought this would be a good time to express my gratification about the whole ordeal. You know, you don’t mind. I think it’s very important, alright is that ok, it’s a family thing, my brother is in it, everyone is in it. You guys don’t mind do you?

Bob: No, sure go ahead.

Todd: Yeah that’s important stuff.

Carl: Absolutely.

Bob: Now thank you for coming out Michael, but before we sign off Todd here, has a special ritual that he would like to perform in honor of the Bulls. (Pause) Todd as you can see is standing in a Hula Skirt and a Coconut Bra. Todd, When was the last time you performed this ritual?

Todd: January 26, 1986, when the Bears won the Super Bowl.

Bob: Ok you may proceed.

Todd: Daaaaaaaaaaaa Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls (while dancing).

Bob: Yeah (they all stand and move towards Todd)…….(Todd has a heart attack and falls to the ground)

Carl: Clear, clear. All Clear!

Together: Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls (while dancing).


Submitted by: Don Kelly

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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