Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jesse Jackson

Kevin Nealon: Morning!

On Friday, an evenly divided Senate Judiciary Committee refused to recommend the confirmation of Judge Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court. Earlier in those hearings, Judge Thomas requested a restraining order against the People For The American Way. He later withdrew this request when it was explained they were trying to “Bork” him, not “pork” him.

Vice-President Dan Quayle says the solution to the food distribution problem in the Soviet Union lies in neighboring China. He suggests the Soviets simply call Chinese restaurants for take-out, and have the food delivered.

This just in: President Bush, in a surprise news conference, announced that the U.S. will officially recognize the Banana Republic’s independence. The popular clothing store is free to break away from Hickory Farms and the rest of the mall.

The Dead Sea Scrolls, rare documents from Biblical times, have been made public and partially translated. It seems the correct pronunciation after all is “Hey-Zeus”, and not “Jesus”, as formally thought.

Final Exit, the book that instructs its owner on suicide techniques, remains on the bestseller list for seven weeks in a row. One tip: don’t try to find this book at the library – people just don’t return it.

Pee Wee Herman.. nah. Why beat a dead horse!

Kevin Nealon: Theodore Geisel, known to his loyal readers as Dr. Suess, died this week at age 87. Like many of us, I grew up with Dr. Suess, and one of my favorite stories is “Green Eggs and Ham”. Here to read from this classic, is the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Reverand?

Jesse Jackson: Tonight, rather than read from First and Second Samuel, I read from Sam I Am, according to the latter day saint Suess.

“You do not like green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like green eggs and ham.

I could not, would not, on a boat.
I will not, will not, with a goat.
I will not eat them in the rain.
I will not eat them on a train.
Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!

I do not like them in a box.
I do not like them with a fox.
I will not eat them in a house.
I do not like them with a mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE!
I do not like green eggs and ham!
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

You do not like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.

If you will let me be, I will try them.
You will see.

I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
And I would eat them in a boat.
And I would eat them with a goat…

I do so like
green eggs and ham!
Thank you!
Thank you,

Eight researchers, yesterday, sealed themselves off from the rest of the world for two years, when they entered the Biosphere II. The 24-acre structure houses animals, insects, its own ocean, a rainforest, and of course, a McDonald’s.

In a late-breaking story, Baltic Avenue has just broken off from the board game Monopoly. There’s been no comment yet from the other avenues.

Kevin Nealon: And now a look at tomorrow’s weather. [ looks at map ] Lots of reds covering the south, some yellows up in the north, blending into some browns in the midwest. 20% chance of scattered greens by Monday. Won’t be long before we can look forward to those blues.

Well, that wraps it up this week for me. I’m Kevin Nealon. Morning!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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