Jeff Daniels’ Monologue
[ open on audience applauding wildly for Jeff Daniels ] [ Jeff stares out into the audience, as though confused, then walks determinedly backstage, his face gripped in fear ]
Jeff Daniels: Lorne? Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: [ moves forward ] Jeff. What happened?
Jeff Daniels: I don’t know, I don’t know.. I cane out the door, I looked at the audience, I was trying to relate to the audience, and I didn’t know what to do.
Lorne Michaels: You know, it was over so fast, I don’t think anyone noticed.
Jeff Daniels: No, no, no.. I just.. I choked, you know? All the other hosts, they come out, they’re confident, you know, they’ve got that skip in their walk, and.. they’re into the music, they relate to the audience, you know? They’ve got that kind of genuine thing that you can’t rehearse, you know?
Lorne Michaels: You’re.. you’re joking, right?
Jeff Daniels: No!
Lorne Michaels: [ turns his head ] Dana, come over here. [ Dana Carvey enters ] Jeff’s having trouble with the monologue.
Dana Carvey: What?
Jeff Daniels: Yeah..
Lorne Michaels: Why don’t you just walk him through it?
Dana Carvey: Oh, I can’t believe.. they, they didn’t show you this?
Jeff Daniels: No one told me.
Dana Carvey: It’s really easy! It’s basically eight moves for the host. Pardo says your name: [ in Don Pardo voice ] “Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Daniels!” [ demonstrates each move as he introduces them ] You open the door, you lead off to the right, then you do kind of a Cool Run, you go by the band..
Jeff Daniels: Cool run.
Dana Carvey: Then, Celebrity Skip!
Jeff Daniels: Celebrity Skip.
Dana Carvey: That’s right! Now, turn to the band, do a Pigeon Neck. Pigeon Neck.
Jeff Daniels: Pigeon Neck! Pigeon Neck!
Dana Carvey: That’s good! Turn to the crowd: There You Are! There You Are!
Jeff Daniels: There You Are! There You Are!
Dana Carvey: Or, if you want: Falling Star.. Falling Star.
Jeff Daniels: Falling Star.. Falling Star..
Dana Carvey: Good! almost too good. [ turns around ] This way. Now, back to the band. Here Comes The Plane.. Here Comes The Plane..
Jeff Daniels: Here Comes The Plane.. Here Comes The Plane..
Dana Carvey: Yeah! Yeah! Now, you come back: Trained Seal! Trained Seal!
Jeff Daniels: Trained Seal! Trained Seal!
Dana Carvey: Love you people! Trained Seal! Now, this is optional. A lot of hosts like to go: Open The Fridge, right at the end.
Jeff Daniels: Open The Fridge.
Dana Carvey: That’s right! Okay, you got it. Then you’re free to do whatever you want.
Jeff Daniels: Anything I want? Anything?
Dana Carvey: Yeah!
Jeff Daniels: Can I Arsenio? [ whoops his arm ]
Dana Carvey: [ looks at Lorne, who’s shaking his head ] N-no..
Jeff Daniels: Okay. Okay.. so it’s a Cool Run, it’s a Celebrity Skip, it’s the Pigeon Neck, it’s There You Are, it’s Falling Star, it’s, uh.. uh.. uh.. Bring In The Plane, it’s Trained Seals, and then it’s Open The Fridge.
Dana Carvey: That’s it! Go get ’em!
Jeff Daniels: Okay. Alright. Lorne? Let me just try it again, okay?
Lorne Michaels: Okay. Uh, Jeff.. if you want, you can go.. [ spins finger in the air ] “Whoo-Woo!”
Jeff Daniels: “Whoo-Woo”? Okay. Thanks. [ runs back past Home Base to try again ] [ end of opening montage plays ]
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Jeff Daniels!
Jeff Daniels: [ opens door, does Cool Run, Celebrity Skip, Pigeon Neck, Trained Seal, more Pigeon Neck, There You Are and Falling Star. Then, he adds his own touch, a Moonwalk-style move. ] Whoo-woo! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! That was a piece of cake! We have a great show tonight – Color Me Badd is here! [ does the There You Are some more ] There You Are! There You Are! There You Are! And, we’ll be right back. [ claps his hands ] Trained Seal! Trained Seal! Open The Fridge! Open The Fridge..!