Apex Novelty Company


Apex Novelty Company

Mr. Clark…..Phil Hartman
Mr. Jensen…..Jeff Daniels


[ open on exterior, Apex Novelty Company ] [ dissolve to interior, Boss’ Office ]

Mr. Jensen: [ enters ] You wanted to see me, Mr. Clark?

Mr. Clark: Yes, Tom. Please sit down. [ Mr. Jensen sits ] How long have you been working in the Design Department.

Mr. Jensen: About a month, sir.

Mr. Clark: Well, then maybe you don’t know that we generally like to stick to the tried and the true when it comes to novelty items. For instance.. [ opens desk drawer, pulls out larger-than-life fake vomit ] ..did you design this fake rubber vomit?

Mr. Jensen: Yes, sir.

Mr. Clark: Well.. first of all, why did you make it so big? I mean, someone wouldn’t vomit this much vomit, would they?

Mr. Jensen: I-I-I guess I just thought.. more vomit would be funnier! [ laughs ]

Mr. Clark: And why did you put this whole sandwich in it?

Mr. Jensen: As a joke. It is a joke thing, right?

Mr. Clark: Yeah, but.. well, let’s move on, uh.. maybe you can tell me what this is. [ walks over to file cabinet, picks up rubber log and places it over his head ]

Mr. Jensen: Oh.. that’s the Fake Log Through the Head.

Mr. Clark: Well.. I’m familiar with the Arrow Through the Head.. but.. but a log? How would.. how would you even get a log through the head?

Mr. Jensen: Well, uh.. say you were out chopping some firewood, and, uh.. after you chopped a piece, you were throwing it on this big pile.. and, just then, a guy walked by, and it hit him on the head. [ laughs ] That actually happened to me.. that’s where I got it..

Mr. Clark: Yeah, but it wouldn’t go through your head, would it?

Mr. Jensen: No.. but that’s why it’s funny! [ laughs ]

Mr. Clark: [ removes log from his head, sits back down ] Finally.. I was curious about this.. fake ice cube you designed. Instead of having a fly in it, it has a little tiny shrunken head. I guess I’m at loss to understand, first of all, how a head could get this small.. and then, somehow get into an ice cube? I..

Mr. Jensen: Well.. to be honest with you, Mr. Clark.. I really don’t know.. I guess I just thought it would be scarier than a fly!

Mr. Clark: [ pause ] Tom, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go. It’s not quite working out.

Mr. Jensen: Okay. I understand, Mr. Clark. [ pulls cigar out of his jacket ] Could I, uh.. could I give you this cigar?

Mr. Clark: Well, thanks, Tom. That’s very nice of you.

Mr. Jensen: Uh, here.. let me light it for you. [ pulls out lighter, flicks it on, then extends his hand offscreen to Mr. Clark’s mouth ] [ an explosion sounds – cut to close-up of Mr. Clark, smoke rising over him, a skeleton head now perched atop his body ]

Mr. Clark: Sooooo.. an extra powerful exploding cigar! I like it! No, I love it! Jenson, you’re back on the payroll!

Mr. Jensen: [ elated ] Thanks, Mr. Clark! But I don’t want to be paid in joke money!

[ the both laugh uproariously as the scene fades out ]

SNL Transcripts

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