Apex Novelty Company


Apex Novelty Company

Mr. Clark…..Phil Hartman
Mr. Jensen…..Jeff Daniels

[ open on exterior, Apex Novelty Company ] [ dissolve to interior, Boss’ Office ]

Mr. Jensen: [ enters ] You wanted to see me, Mr. Clark?

Mr. Clark: Yes, Tom. Please sit down. [ Mr. Jensen sits ] How long have you been working in the Design Department.

Mr. Jensen: About a month, sir.

Mr. Clark: Well, then maybe you don’t know that we generally like to stick to the tried and the true when it comes to novelty items. For instance.. [ opens desk drawer, pulls out larger-than-life fake vomit ] ..did you design this fake rubber vomit?

Mr. Jensen: Yes, sir.

Mr. Clark: Well.. first of all, why did you make it so big? I mean, someone wouldn’t vomit this much vomit, would they?

Mr. Jensen: I-I-I guess I just thought.. more vomit would be funnier! [ laughs ]

Mr. Clark: And why did you put this whole sandwich in it?

Mr. Jensen: As a joke. It is a joke thing, right?

Mr. Clark: Yeah, but.. well, let’s move on, uh.. maybe you can tell me what this is. [ walks over to file cabinet, picks up rubber log and places it over his head ]

Mr. Jensen: Oh.. that’s the Fake Log Through the Head.

Mr. Clark: Well.. I’m familiar with the Arrow Through the Head.. but.. but a log? How would.. how would you even get a log through the head?

Mr. Jensen: Well, uh.. say you were out chopping some firewood, and, uh.. after you chopped a piece, you were throwing it on this big pile.. and, just then, a guy walked by, and it hit him on the head. [ laughs ] That actually happened to me.. that’s where I got it..

Mr. Clark: Yeah, but it wouldn’t go through your head, would it?

Mr. Jensen: No.. but that’s why it’s funny! [ laughs ]

Mr. Clark: [ removes log from his head, sits back down ] Finally.. I was curious about this.. fake ice cube you designed. Instead of having a fly in it, it has a little tiny shrunken head. I guess I’m at loss to understand, first of all, how a head could get this small.. and then, somehow get into an ice cube? I..

Mr. Jensen: Well.. to be honest with you, Mr. Clark.. I really don’t know.. I guess I just thought it would be scarier than a fly!

Mr. Clark: [ pause ] Tom, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go. It’s not quite working out.

Mr. Jensen: Okay. I understand, Mr. Clark. [ pulls cigar out of his jacket ] Could I, uh.. could I give you this cigar?

Mr. Clark: Well, thanks, Tom. That’s very nice of you.

Mr. Jensen: Uh, here.. let me light it for you. [ pulls out lighter, flicks it on, then extends his hand offscreen to Mr. Clark’s mouth ] [ an explosion sounds – cut to close-up of Mr. Clark, smoke rising over him, a skeleton head now perched atop his body ]

Mr. Clark: Sooooo.. an extra powerful exploding cigar! I like it! No, I love it! Jenson, you’re back on the payroll!

Mr. Jensen: [ elated ] Thanks, Mr. Clark! But I don’t want to be paid in joke money!

[ the both laugh uproariously as the scene fades out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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