Don’t Get Me Wrong


Don’t Get Me Wrong

Kevin…..Kevin Nealon
Glen…..Dana Carvey
Kurt…..Jeff Daniels

[ open at a country club golf course ]

Kevin: You know what it is, Glen? Howard just doesn’t care. All he cares about is what he can get out of the deal, he doesn’t care who’s inconvenienced.

Glen: Well, it’s just, you know, he’s going through that tough divorce..

Kevin: Oh, I know, I know, believe me.. but you know, you’d think the guy would have a little consideration. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I like Howard, he’s a dear friend of mine, I’d do anything for him. It’s just that.. you know.

Glen: I know.

Kevin: So.. you going to the lake this week?

Glen: No. Hank screwed up the boat. He’s such a jerk. I specifically told him not to use it, so of course he does, and he runs into a sandbar. He has no respect for my stuff. You know what? I don’t respect him.

Kevin: Really?

Glen: Oh, absolutely. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I love the guy, I’d give him the shirt off my back, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. It’s just that.. you know..

Kevin: Oh, I know. I know what you’re saying. He’s a great guy, but..

Kurt: [ enters with his clubs ] Hey, guys. How’s our tee-off? Are they backed up?

Glen: Yeah, about a half-hour. Crimmons doesn’t move ’em along fast enough.

Kurt: You know, what the hell is wrong with him? You know, the guy never does his job! He’s useless, you know? God, he never did do his job! The guy’s more senile than a.. I don’t know what..

Kevin: Come on.. come on, Kurt, he’s doing his best.

Kurt: Hey, if that’s his best, I’d hate to see his worst, you know? I mean, don’t get me wrong, you know – he’s a wonderful man, I love him like a father, I’d take a bullet in the heart for the guy. It’s just.. you know..

Kevin: No, no, I understand.

Kurt: Where’s Randy? I thought he was joining us today.

Glen: Yeah, that’s what we thought, too.

Kevin: Yeah, but when does Randy ever get the word? The guy doesn’t have an ounce of integrity in his body. Just for the record, I didn’t invite him here today. I wouldn’t give him the right time of day!

Kurt: Wait a minute.. I thought you and Randy were, like, really good friends..?

Kevin: No, no, trust me.. the guy is swine! I mean, don’t get me wrong, you know – I love Randy, he’s like a brother to me, I worship the ground he walks on, I’d throw my body in the mud to keep his shoes clean. You know.. it’s just that, you know..

Glen: Oh, no, no, I understand.. Yeah, but if we don’t tee off soon, I’m only gonna be able to go 9.

Kevin: Really? Why?

Glen: I gotta meet with that new contractor.

Kevin: Whoa, whoa.. what happened to Nick?

Glen: Oh, you mean Nick the Thief, Nick the Liar? That sonofabitch overbilled me twenty grand! I should kick his ass! He’s a real backstabber, let me tell you.

Kurt: I thought you were happy with him?

Glen: He’s scum! He is scum! I mean.. don’t get me wrong, you know – there’s no one I care more about on the planet than Nick. You know, if he were dirty I’d lick him clean with my tongue and then apologize for not having a towel to dry him with. It’s just that.. you know..

Kevin: Oh, no, no.. absolutely.. I understand, I understand.. [ turns head ] Kurt. Poker tomorrow night at Roy’s, if you’re interested.

Kurt: Can’t make it.

Glen: Not crazy about Roy?

Kurt: Oh, no, no! I like Roy. I like Roy. He’s a sonofabitch, but I like him, you know? No, it’s not Roy, it’s my brother-in-law, I gotta help him move.

Kevin: Too bad..

Kurt: Yeahhh, that pain in the ass has been sleeping on our couch for the last week, you know? He’s nothing! The guy’s nothing more than a free-loading, leech-sucking loser. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I idolize Charlie, I’d hold him to my breast and suckle him like a newborn calf! You know, I’d massage the guy in oil for two hours, and then let him lather me up and then ride me like a big boy! It’s just.. you know. You know what I’m saying!

Glen: No, no, I don’t..

Kevin: I don’t think we know what you’re talking about here. What are you talking about – “Ride me like a big boy”? I mean, what are you, some kind of pervert?

Glen: Yeah, I don’t get it..

Kurt: No. Guys, I’m talking figuratively here.

Kevin: I’m serious, Kurt, maybe you ought to leave, we’re not enjoying your company..

Glen: Yeah, gut out of here, you freak! What is that?!

Kurt: [ gets up ] Come on, guys, I’m just trying to make a point!

Kevin: We get your point.

Glen: “Ride me like a big boy”!

Kurt: Fine! Suit yourself! [ leaves ]

Glen: Man, has he changed, or what?

Kevin: He’s definitely changed.. I always thought he had a probblem, I saw it all along..

Glen: He’s a freak! He gives me the willies.

Kevin: He’s just dirty! [ shivers ] I mean, don’t get me wrong – I like Kurt, I’d give him a sponge bath and rock him to sleep, if I had to.

Glen: Oh, yeah, right. I’d dress up like a woman and talk dirty to him, if he wanted me to.

Kevin: Yeah, I’d shave my legs and wear pumps and squeal, if the guy wanted me to..

Glen: Oh, yeah, me too! Me, too!

Kevin: Absolutely! No, no, I understand!

[ their course number is called ]

Glen: Oh, great, that’s us. Finally. [ they walk over to the cart ] Oh! Here comes Lenny.

Kevin: Please. I’m not talking to Lenny.

[ they drive their cart offscreen, as the sketch fades out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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