Il Cantore Restaurant


Il Cantore Restaurant

Headwaiter…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Kirkpatrick…..Kevin Nealon
Mrs. Kirkpatrick…..Kirstie Alley
Marcello…..Mike Myers
Marco…..Chris Farley
Carlo…..Rob Schneider

[ Mr. & Mrs. Kirkpatrick enter Il Cantore Restaurant ]

Headwaiter: Welcome to Il Cantore, so nice to see you again!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Actually, it’s our first time here..

Headwaiter: Oh, Senore, Bellisima! This is a special night! [ kisses Mrs. Kirkpatrick on the cheek ] Okay!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: We’re the Kirkpatricks, reservation for two.

Headwaiter: [ checks registry ] Kirkpatrick! Kirkpatrick! Reservation for two, it’s-a right here! Senor, Bellisima! [ kisses her again ] Let me take your coat, huh?

Marcello: [ stepping forward ] No, no, no, no! Don’t worry about your coat, okay, I’ll take your coat! [ removes her coat ] Bellisima! [ kisses her on the cheek ]

Headwaiter: It’s-a so nice of you to spend your birthday with us! Bellisima.. [ kisses her more rough on the cheek ]

Mrs. Kirkpatrick: [ giddy ] Oh, it isn’t my birthday..

Headwaiter: An anniversarie? Oh, anniversarie! Bellisima! [ kisses her some more ]

Mr. Kirkpatrick: No, no.. it’s not our anniversary..

Headwaiter: Oh, you want I make a special table for you, alright? I make it for you, you can wait at the bar, maybe about five minutes, okay?

Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Oh, that sounds really great!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Well..

Marco: [ tending the bar, throws out a kiss ] Senor! Bellisiama! Come! Have a drink!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Uh, we’ll just sit anywhere.. anywhere is fine..

Headwaiter: A hungry man, eh! [ laughs ] And, Bellisima.. [ kisses her again ] Now, come and sit down.. sit down.. Bellisima.. [ shows them their table ] I’ll be right back, sit down, take it easy.. [ walks off ]

Carlo: [ walks up ] How are you two doing? Oh, Bellisima! [ grabs her and kisses her ]

Headwaiter: [ pops back in ] I told you I take-a care of you! This is-a Carlo, he’s our best man! Anniversarie!

Carlo: Oh, so this is the anniversarie! [ kisses her once more ]

Headwaiter: Okay, I leave you in good hands, Senor! Bellisima.. [ strokes her hair back and licks her ear ]

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Uh.. do you mind?

[ Headwaiter walks off ]

Carlo: [ starts rubbing Bellisima’s hair ] Tonight, we have special annivesarie dish for you!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Excuse me? Excuse me, do you mind?!

Carlo: Oh! You no have appetizer! Fabio! Bring appetizier!

Fabio: [ enters carrying dishes ] Here is-a brisquette. It has-a diced tomato on-a toasted bread. And-a antipasto for Senore.. and Bellisima.. [ pulls her blouse open and peeks within ] Oh, yes!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, what are you doing?!

Carlo: What’s the matter, you don’t like-a brisquette?

Headwaiter: [ runs in ] Carlo! What you bring them?!

Carlo: I tell Fabio to bring brisquette and antipasto for Senore and Bellisima..

Headwaiter: [ dismayed ] Antipasto for their anniversarie? [ sends him away ] Oh, I’m so sorry, antipasto..

Mr. Kirkpatrick: That’s not the problem..

Headwaiter: No, no, no, no, I know.. listen, I make a special tuna capaccio for you, alright?

Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Ooh, now that sounds really good!

Headwaiter: [ elated ] Oh, you like? Oh, good! I make-a cappaccio for you, Bellisima.. oh, you like.. oh, Bellisima.. [ starts licking her face ]

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, look, come on! Excuse me, this is getting really out of hand here! Hey! Excuse me! Hello!

Headwaiter: [ jumps up ] I know, I know, Senore! Two capaccios, okay! I have to check on another table, alright! [ moves over to table behind the Kirkpatricks ]

Mr. Kirkpatrick: This is ridiculous! They’re groping all over you!

[ Headwaiter props a Female Patron onto her table, holds her legs in the air, then starts thrusting himself into her ]

Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Oh, honey, it’s just their custom. I mean, people in Europe are a lot more open than we are..

Mr. Kirkpatrick: I don’t care what they do in Europe! This is our country, and it doesn’t seem right.

Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Look, this is their restaurant, okay? And a very famous one! Please, honey.. now, don’t embarrass me, I’m hungry.

Mr. Kirkpatrick: I’ll try.. I’ll try.. it’s just..

Carlo: [ returns with food and no pants ] Okay, okay, okay! Capaccio!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get away from my wife with that!

Carlo: What’s the matter, capaccio no good?

Headwaiter: [ sticks his head between Female Patron’s legs for a better view ] What?! What you do now?!

Carlo: They don’t like the capaccio!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: No! No!

Headwaiter: How you know you don’t like it if you don’t try!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: For the last time, it’s NOT the food!

Carlo: You have no water! Fabio!

Fabio: [ brings in glasses, wearing only a speedo ] For Senore! And for Bellisima! [ rubs his face over her blouse ]

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey! Hey! Alright, THAT’S IT! We are OUT of here! [ stands up, amidst their protests ] No! No! I don’t like YOU! [ pulls his wife to the door and exits ] [ outside ]

Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself..

Mr. Kirkpatrick: What are you talking about?! Those guys are creeps!

Mrs. Kirkpatrick: I thought they were sweet.. [ acknowledges them pressed against the glass inside ] Now, look how upset they are!

Mr. Kirkpatrick: Forget it! Forget it! I am NOT going back in there!

Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Well, then where are we gonna eat? I’m still hungry.

Mr. Kirkpatrick: [ points across the street ] There’s a Greek restaurant across the street. Let’s go there!

[ they cross the street, as the waitstaff still presses against the window ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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