Il Cantore Restaurant
Mr. Kirkpatrick…..Kevin Nealon
Mrs. Kirkpatrick…..Kirstie Alley
[ Mr. & Mrs. Kirkpatrick enter Il Cantore Restaurant ]
Headwaiter: Welcome to Il Cantore, so nice to see you again!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Actually, it’s our first time here..
Headwaiter: Oh, Senore, Bellisima! This is a special night! [ kisses Mrs. Kirkpatrick on the cheek ] Okay!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: We’re the Kirkpatricks, reservation for two.
Headwaiter: [ checks registry ] Kirkpatrick! Kirkpatrick! Reservation for two, it’s-a right here! Senor, Bellisima! [ kisses her again ] Let me take your coat, huh?
Marcello: [ stepping forward ] No, no, no, no! Don’t worry about your coat, okay, I’ll take your coat! [ removes her coat ] Bellisima! [ kisses her on the cheek ]
Headwaiter: It’s-a so nice of you to spend your birthday with us! Bellisima.. [ kisses her more rough on the cheek ]
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: [ giddy ] Oh, it isn’t my birthday..
Headwaiter: An anniversarie? Oh, anniversarie! Bellisima! [ kisses her some more ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: No, no.. it’s not our anniversary..
Headwaiter: Oh, you want I make a special table for you, alright? I make it for you, you can wait at the bar, maybe about five minutes, okay?
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Oh, that sounds really great!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Well..
Marco: [ tending the bar, throws out a kiss ] Senor! Bellisiama! Come! Have a drink!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Uh, we’ll just sit anywhere.. anywhere is fine..
Headwaiter: A hungry man, eh! [ laughs ] And, Bellisima.. [ kisses her again ] Now, come and sit down.. sit down.. Bellisima.. [ shows them their table ] I’ll be right back, sit down, take it easy.. [ walks off ]
Carlo: [ walks up ] How are you two doing? Oh, Bellisima! [ grabs her and kisses her ]
Headwaiter: [ pops back in ] I told you I take-a care of you! This is-a Carlo, he’s our best man! Anniversarie!
Carlo: Oh, so this is the anniversarie! [ kisses her once more ]
Headwaiter: Okay, I leave you in good hands, Senor! Bellisima.. [ strokes her hair back and licks her ear ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Uh.. do you mind?[ Headwaiter walks off ]
Carlo: [ starts rubbing Bellisima’s hair ] Tonight, we have special annivesarie dish for you!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Excuse me? Excuse me, do you mind?!
Carlo: Oh! You no have appetizer! Fabio! Bring appetizier!
Fabio: [ enters carrying dishes ] Here is-a brisquette. It has-a diced tomato on-a toasted bread. And-a antipasto for Senore.. and Bellisima.. [ pulls her blouse open and peeks within ] Oh, yes!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, what are you doing?!
Carlo: What’s the matter, you don’t like-a brisquette?
Headwaiter: [ runs in ] Carlo! What you bring them?!
Carlo: I tell Fabio to bring brisquette and antipasto for Senore and Bellisima..
Headwaiter: [ dismayed ] Antipasto for their anniversarie? [ sends him away ] Oh, I’m so sorry, antipasto..
Mr. Kirkpatrick: That’s not the problem..
Headwaiter: No, no, no, no, I know.. listen, I make a special tuna capaccio for you, alright?
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Ooh, now that sounds really good!
Headwaiter: [ elated ] Oh, you like? Oh, good! I make-a cappaccio for you, Bellisima.. oh, you like.. oh, Bellisima.. [ starts licking her face ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, look, come on! Excuse me, this is getting really out of hand here! Hey! Excuse me! Hello!
Headwaiter: [ jumps up ] I know, I know, Senore! Two capaccios, okay! I have to check on another table, alright! [ moves over to table behind the Kirkpatricks ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: This is ridiculous! They’re groping all over you![ Headwaiter props a Female Patron onto her table, holds her legs in the air, then starts thrusting himself into her ]
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Oh, honey, it’s just their custom. I mean, people in Europe are a lot more open than we are..
Mr. Kirkpatrick: I don’t care what they do in Europe! This is our country, and it doesn’t seem right.
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Look, this is their restaurant, okay? And a very famous one! Please, honey.. now, don’t embarrass me, I’m hungry.
Mr. Kirkpatrick: I’ll try.. I’ll try.. it’s just..
Carlo: [ returns with food and no pants ] Okay, okay, okay! Capaccio!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get away from my wife with that!
Carlo: What’s the matter, capaccio no good?
Headwaiter: [ sticks his head between Female Patron’s legs for a better view ] What?! What you do now?!
Carlo: They don’t like the capaccio!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: No! No!
Headwaiter: How you know you don’t like it if you don’t try!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: For the last time, it’s NOT the food!
Carlo: You have no water! Fabio!
Fabio: [ brings in glasses, wearing only a speedo ] For Senore! And for Bellisima! [ rubs his face over her blouse ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey! Hey! Alright, THAT’S IT! We are OUT of here! [ stands up, amidst their protests ] No! No! I don’t like YOU! [ pulls his wife to the door and exits ] [ outside ]
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself..
Mr. Kirkpatrick: What are you talking about?! Those guys are creeps!
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: I thought they were sweet.. [ acknowledges them pressed against the glass inside ] Now, look how upset they are!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Forget it! Forget it! I am NOT going back in there!
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Well, then where are we gonna eat? I’m still hungry.
Mr. Kirkpatrick: [ points across the street ] There’s a Greek restaurant across the street. Let’s go there![ they cross the street, as the waitstaff still presses against the window ] [ fade to black ]