Kirstie Alley’s Monologue


Kirstie Alley’s Monologue

…..Kirstie Alley
…..Woody Harrelson
…..Kelsey Grammer
…..George Wendt
…..Ted Danson

Kirstie Alley: Thank you very much! You know, I’ve gotta tell you, it has been great hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I mean.. the people here have been so terrific to me all week long, you know? It almost feels like a family.. but, as wonderful as everybody has been, I’m just a little homesick for my own TV family. Of course, I’m talking about “Cheers”. [ major applause ] For some reason, I really miss those guys! It’s nice to have people like that in your life.. It’s like the song.. [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today.. takes everything you’ve got.. Taking a break from all your worries.. [ chokes on her tears ] sure would help a lot..”

[ cut to Woody Harrelson seated in the audience ]

Woody Harrelson: [ singing ] Wouldn’t you like to get away?” [ stands ] “Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows your name!”

[ cut to Kelsey Grammer seated in another part of the audience ]

Kelsey Grammer: [ singing ] “And they’re always glad you came!”

[ cut to George Wendt sitting in with the house band ]

George Wendt: [ singing ] “You wanna go where people know.. troubles are all the same!”

[ Ted Danson walks in from offstage ]

Ted Danson: [ singing ] “You wanna go where everybody knows your name!”

[ the five castmembers are united on stage, Kirstie kissing and hugging each of them to wild applause from the audience ]

Kirstie Alley: You know, these guys are the best friends that anybody could ever have!

Ted Danson: Oh, you didn’t think we’d let you do the show without us?

George Wendt: Yeah! Come on, now, give us a hug!

[ they all hug again ]

Kirstie Alley: You know something else? We have something else in common besides being on “Cheers” – we’ve all hosted this show!

[ George, Ted and Woody show their excitement ]

Kelsey Grammer: [ sullen ] Excuse me.. I have never hosted the show..

George Wendt: No?

Ted Danson: Ah.

Woody Harrelson: [ to Kirstie ] Anyway, you’re gonna love doing this! They wrote a cowboy song for me!

Kirstie Alley: I remember that! You were so good!

Ted Danson: I got to work with live pigs!

Kirstie Alley: Yes!

George Wendt: Hey, don’t forget about me – remember, “The Bulls! The Bears!”

Kirstie Alley: That was good! Yeah, that was good, you were great!

Kelsey Grammer: [ while being ignored ] I have never hosted the show.

Kirstie Alley: You know what, it is really, really sweet of you guys to do this! Thank you for coming. Bye bye..

Ted Danson: This is great, you’re gonna love this.

Kirstie Alley: You know, I have to get on with the show, because, you know, we have to keep it rolling..

George Wendt: It’ll be fun!

Kirstie Alley: I know, I hope so. I also have to do a big costume change.

George Wendt: Well, run along!

Ted Danson: Yeah!

George Wendt: We’ll cover for you!

Kirstie Alley: Wait a minute, could you guys just go back to your seats? I mean, I can do the show..

Kelsey Grammer: What’s left to do?

Ted Danson: Oh, well, she’s gotta say, “We’ve got a great show! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!

Kirstie Alley: Ted.. I wanted to introduce Tom Petty! I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life! I was supposed to say that!

Ted Danson: I’m sorry, go ahead.

Kirstie Alley: Now I don’t even want to..

Woody Harrelson: And you’ve gotta say, “We’ll be right back!”

Kirstie Alley: [ fuming ] Oh, great! Why don’t you just finish it for me! Just do the whole show! You guys know how!

George Wendt: Now, now, now..

[ Kirstie exits the stage sulking, as the guys follow and try to cheer her up, leaving Kelsey alone on the stage ]

Kelsey Grammer: It’s just.. I have never hosted this show! Never! But I could. [ singing ] “You wanna go where people know.. your troubles are all the same.. you wanna go where everybody knows your name..” Tom Petty is here, and the Heartbreakers! [ Opens the Fridge ] We’ll be right back!

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