Kirstie Alley’s Monologue



Kirstie Alley’s Monologue

…..Kirstie Alley
…..Woody Harrelson
…..Kelsey Grammer
…..George Wendt
…..Ted Danson

Kirstie Alley: Thank you very much! You know, I’ve gotta tell you, it has been great hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I mean.. the people here have been so terrific to me all week long, you know? It almost feels like a family.. but, as wonderful as everybody has been, I’m just a little homesick for my own TV family. Of course, I’m talking about “Cheers”. [ major applause ] For some reason, I really miss those guys! It’s nice to have people like that in your life.. It’s like the song.. [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today.. takes everything you’ve got.. Taking a break from all your worries.. [ chokes on her tears ] sure would help a lot..”

[ cut to Woody Harrelson seated in the audience ]

Woody Harrelson: [ singing ] Wouldn’t you like to get away?” [ stands ] “Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows your name!”

[ cut to Kelsey Grammer seated in another part of the audience ]

Kelsey Grammer: [ singing ] “And they’re always glad you came!”

[ cut to George Wendt sitting in with the house band ]

George Wendt: [ singing ] “You wanna go where people know.. troubles are all the same!”

[ Ted Danson walks in from offstage ]

Ted Danson: [ singing ] “You wanna go where everybody knows your name!”

[ the five castmembers are united on stage, Kirstie kissing and hugging each of them to wild applause from the audience ]

Kirstie Alley: You know, these guys are the best friends that anybody could ever have!

Ted Danson: Oh, you didn’t think we’d let you do the show without us?

George Wendt: Yeah! Come on, now, give us a hug!

[ they all hug again ]

Kirstie Alley: You know something else? We have something else in common besides being on “Cheers” – we’ve all hosted this show!

[ George, Ted and Woody show their excitement ]

Kelsey Grammer: [ sullen ] Excuse me.. I have never hosted the show..

George Wendt: No?

Ted Danson: Ah.

Woody Harrelson: [ to Kirstie ] Anyway, you’re gonna love doing this! They wrote a cowboy song for me!

Kirstie Alley: I remember that! You were so good!

Ted Danson: I got to work with live pigs!

Kirstie Alley: Yes!

George Wendt: Hey, don’t forget about me – remember, “The Bulls! The Bears!”

Kirstie Alley: That was good! Yeah, that was good, you were great!

Kelsey Grammer: [ while being ignored ] I have never hosted the show.

Kirstie Alley: You know what, it is really, really sweet of you guys to do this! Thank you for coming. Bye bye..

Ted Danson: This is great, you’re gonna love this.

Kirstie Alley: You know, I have to get on with the show, because, you know, we have to keep it rolling..

George Wendt: It’ll be fun!

Kirstie Alley: I know, I hope so. I also have to do a big costume change.

George Wendt: Well, run along!

Ted Danson: Yeah!

George Wendt: We’ll cover for you!

Kirstie Alley: Wait a minute, could you guys just go back to your seats? I mean, I can do the show..

Kelsey Grammer: What’s left to do?

Ted Danson: Oh, well, she’s gotta say, “We’ve got a great show! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!

Kirstie Alley: Ted.. I wanted to introduce Tom Petty! I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life! I was supposed to say that!

Ted Danson: I’m sorry, go ahead.

Kirstie Alley: Now I don’t even want to..

Woody Harrelson: And you’ve gotta say, “We’ll be right back!”

Kirstie Alley: [ fuming ] Oh, great! Why don’t you just finish it for me! Just do the whole show! You guys know how!

George Wendt: Now, now, now..

[ Kirstie exits the stage sulking, as the guys follow and try to cheer her up, leaving Kelsey alone on the stage ]

Kelsey Grammer: It’s just.. I have never hosted this show! Never! But I could. [ singing ] “You wanna go where people know.. your troubles are all the same.. you wanna go where everybody knows your name..” Tom Petty is here, and the Heartbreakers! [ Opens the Fridge ] We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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