Kirstie Alley’s Monologue
[ cut to Woody Harrelson seated in the audience ]
Kirstie Alley: Thank you very much! You know, I’ve gotta tell you, it has been great hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I mean.. the people here have been so terrific to me all week long, you know? It almost feels like a family.. but, as wonderful as everybody has been, I’m just a little homesick for my own TV family. Of course, I’m talking about “Cheers”. [ major applause ] For some reason, I really miss those guys! It’s nice to have people like that in your life.. It’s like the song.. [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today.. takes everything you’ve got.. Taking a break from all your worries.. [ chokes on her tears ] ..it sure would help a lot..”
Woody Harrelson: [ singing ] Wouldn’t you like to get away?” [ stands ] “Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows your name!”[ cut to Kelsey Grammer seated in another part of the audience ]
Kelsey Grammer: [ singing ] “And they’re always glad you came!”[ cut to George Wendt sitting in with the house band ]
George Wendt: [ singing ] “You wanna go where people know.. troubles are all the same!”[ Ted Danson walks in from offstage ]
Ted Danson: [ singing ] “You wanna go where everybody knows your name!”[ the five castmembers are united on stage, Kirstie kissing and hugging each of them to wild applause from the audience ]
Kirstie Alley: You know, these guys are the best friends that anybody could ever have!
Ted Danson: Oh, you didn’t think we’d let you do the show without us?
George Wendt: Yeah! Come on, now, give us a hug![ they all hug again ]
Kirstie Alley: You know something else? We have something else in common besides being on “Cheers” – we’ve all hosted this show![ George, Ted and Woody show their excitement ]
Kelsey Grammer: [ sullen ] Excuse me.. I have never hosted the show..
George Wendt: No?
Ted Danson: Ah.
Woody Harrelson: [ to Kirstie ] Anyway, you’re gonna love doing this! They wrote a cowboy song for me!
Kirstie Alley: I remember that! You were so good!
Ted Danson: I got to work with live pigs!
Kirstie Alley: Yes!
George Wendt: Hey, don’t forget about me – remember, “The Bulls! The Bears!”
Kirstie Alley: That was good! Yeah, that was good, you were great!
Kelsey Grammer: [ while being ignored ] I have never hosted the show.
Kirstie Alley: You know what, it is really, really sweet of you guys to do this! Thank you for coming. Bye bye..
Ted Danson: This is great, you’re gonna love this.
Kirstie Alley: You know, I have to get on with the show, because, you know, we have to keep it rolling..
George Wendt: It’ll be fun!
Kirstie Alley: I know, I hope so. I also have to do a big costume change.
George Wendt: Well, run along!
Ted Danson: Yeah!
George Wendt: We’ll cover for you!
Kirstie Alley: Wait a minute, could you guys just go back to your seats? I mean, I can do the show..
Kelsey Grammer: What’s left to do?
Ted Danson: Oh, well, she’s gotta say, “We’ve got a great show! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!
Kirstie Alley: Ted.. I wanted to introduce Tom Petty! I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life! I was supposed to say that!
Ted Danson: I’m sorry, go ahead.
Kirstie Alley: Now I don’t even want to..
Woody Harrelson: And you’ve gotta say, “We’ll be right back!”
Kirstie Alley: [ fuming ] Oh, great! Why don’t you just finish it for me! Just do the whole show! You guys know how!
George Wendt: Now, now, now..[ Kirstie exits the stage sulking, as the guys follow and try to cheer her up, leaving Kelsey alone on the stage ]
Kelsey Grammer: It’s just.. I have never hosted this show! Never! But I could. [ singing ] “You wanna go where people know.. your troubles are all the same.. you wanna go where everybody knows your name..” Tom Petty is here, and the Heartbreakers! [ Opens the Fridge ] We’ll be right back!