Dysfunctional Family Feud

Dysfunctional Family Feud

Ray Combs…..Dana Carvey
Bob Riley…..Kevin Nealon
Sarah Riley…..Siobhan Fallon
Gary Riley….Adam Sandler
Devon Riley…..David Spade
Craig Riley…..Rob Schneider
William Thornton…..Phil Hartman
Bethany Thorton…..Victoria Jackson
Rebecca Thorton…..Julia Sweeney
Chip Thorton…..Chris Farley
Steve Thorton….Christian Slater

Announcer: Meet the Rileys – Bob, Sarah, Gary, Devon and Craig; and the Thortons – William, Rebecca, Bethany, Chip and Steve. On your mark, let’s start “the “Dysfunctional Family Feud”! And here’s your host of the “Dysfunctional Family Feud” – Ray Combs!

Ray Combs: Thank you! Okay! Alright, let’s welcome the Riley Family, and, Bob, who have you brought with you today?

Bob Riley: Well, this is my wife Sarah, and these are my sons Gary, Devon and Craig!

Bob Riley: And our champions, the Thorton Family. William, introduce us to the Thorton bunch!

William Thorton: Uh, next to me is our beautiful daughter Bethany, my wife Rebecca, and my two sons Chip and Steven. I always say I have a Full House – two Queens and a pair of Jokers! [ Chip laughs ]

Steve Thorton: That is not a full house, Dad, that’s Four of a Kind – Jokers are wild.

William Thorton: That’s enough, Steven!

Steve Thorton: I just thought..

William Thorton: Don’t think, Son!

Ray Combs: Okay.. let’s start the Feud! [ William and Bob step down ] Okay.. 100 people surveyed, 3 most popular answers are on the board: Name a reason why people won’t give up drinking! [ William hits buzzer ] William?

William Thorton: Uh.. I don’t know why I did that, because I really don’t know.. I don’t have a drinking problem..

[ “Don’t Have Drinking Problem: 31” is revealed as Number One answer ]

Ray Combs: “Don’t Have Drinking Prob!” Okay, Rileys, think of a chance to steal! [ moves to Thortons’ side ] Alright. Hello, Bethany, how are you? Two answers left. A reason why people won’t give up drinking. [ Bethany is silent ] One answer.. take a guess..

[ first strike ]

Rebecca Thorton: You did that fine, honey, everything’s gonna be alright..

William Thorton: Oh, please! Don’t coddle her!

Steve Thorton: Hey, leave Mom alone!

William Thorton: [ gritting teeth ] Stay out of this.. you’re down there for a reason!

Ray Combs: O-kay.. Rebecca, I need an answer.. three seconds..

Rebecca Thorton: Oh, I couldn’t even guess, because, as you know, Ray, we pretty well control our drinking..

[ “Drinking Under Control: 23” revealed as Number Two answer ]

Ray Combs: “Drinking Under Control”! Yes! Hi, Chip, good to see you. A reason why people won’t give up their drinking?

Chip Thorton: Because it tastes good and they like to party! Whoo-oo!

Ray Combs: Okay! Chip says because they like to party – survey says!

[ second strike ]

William Thorton: Oh, good answer, real smart..

Steve Thorton: Why don’t you lay off, Dad, huh? Somebody shut him up, please?

Chip Thorton: It’s okay, Steven, I am stupid!

Ray Combs: Steve? you have two strikes. It’s up to you. A reason why people won’t give up drinking. A chance to put your family up on the board.

Steve Thorton: Ah, who the hell cares? What difference does it make? I don’t really want to be here, anyway.

[ Which is revealed as the Number Three answer, for 17 points ]

Ray Combs: Alright! The Thortons take the bank! Sarah! Bethany! Let’s play the Feud! [ they come down to play ] Alright, 100 people surveyed, the 3 most popular answers are on the board. Name something families say to recent college graduates. [ Sarah pounds the podium ] Sarah?

Sarah Riley: Uh.. “Get out there and do your best!”

Ray Combs: Judges, can we accept that?

[ “Get Out!: 37” revealed as Number One answer ]

We can! Okay, Bethany, go back and think of a steal. Okay.. [ moves to the Rileys’ side ] Okay, Gary, something families say to a recent graduate?

Gary Riley: Uh.. “Congratulations”?

Ray Combs: “Congratulations”. Good answer? [ First Strike ] Nope, not on the board. Okay. Devon, how are you?

Devon Riley: Hi, Ray, I’m a big fan!

Ray Combs: Devon, think about this: you’ve graduated.. you come home.. and the family says?

Devon Riley: Um.. “We’re So Proud of You”?

Ray Combs: Devon says, “We’re so proud”. Survey says? [ Second Strike ] Alright, Greg, it’s up to you. Something the family says to a recent college graduate?

Greg Riley: Uh.. “We.. love you”?

[ Third Strike ]

Ray Combs: Oh.. alright, Thortons, chance to steal, all you need is one answer..

Steve Thorton: “Get a Job!”

Chip Thorton: “Should’ve gone to trade school!”

Rebecca Thorton: “College has changed you, we don’t know you anymore!”

Chip Thorton: “Trade School! Trade School! Trade School! Trade School!”

Ray Combs: Okay! William? Something you say to the college graduate?

William Thorton: I’m gonna go out on my own, Ray, and say, “I bet you think you’re smarter than me now.”

Chip Thorton: [ complaining ] Oh, Daaad..

William Thorton: So you have a problem with that?

Chip Thorton: No, sir.. good answer, sir..

Ray Combs: Let me see, “Bet you think you’re smart now!” [ Strike ] And the Rileys keep the bank! Alright, let’s see the Number Two answer up there, if we could. [ answer revealed ] Trade School.. and the Number Three answer.. [ revealed ] College Has Changed You, I Didn’t Know Who You Are Any More.. Okay. William, your family had the answer, but you went out on your own.

William Thorton: Well, that’s okay, I don’t really care! I couldn’t care if we win or lose, I really don’t.. we don’t have to prove anything to you people!

Ray Combs: Alright. I need two more players! [ Rebecca and Gary step down ] Alright, 100 people surveyed, the 3 most popular answers are on the board: Name something you find in your bedroom closet besides clothes. [ Rebecca pounds podium ]

Rebecca Thorton: Your spare bible?

[ “Extra Bibles: 32” revealed ]

Ray Combs: Extra Bibles, yes! You’re gonna steal.. okay. Okay. Okay. Chip, very excited, okay! Chip, something in your bedroom closet besides clothes?

Chip Thorton: [ racking his brain ] Ohhh.. geez..

William Thorton: [ mean ] How about clothes you’ve gotten too fat for?

Chip Thorton: Okay, Dad.

Ray Combs: Can we see skinny clothes?

[ First Strike ]

Chip Thorton: Sorry, Dad..

Steve Thorton: [ smacks Chip on the back of the head ] Why you keep apologizing to him?

Chip Thorton: ‘Cause he’s..

Ray Combs: Okay, Steve. Something in your bedroom closet besides clothes?

Steve Thorton: A gun. A loaded gun.

[ Second Strike ]

Ray Combs: Sorry, no gun there!

Steve Thorton: Eh-eh-eh, it is, there is, I swear it!

William Thorton: You don’t have the guts!

Steve Thorton: Yeah?

Ray Combs: Okay. Something besides clothing that people keep in the closet. Three seconds.

William Thorton: Uh.. personal items?

Ray Combs: Be more specific.

William Thorton: [ whispers ] Dirty magazines?

[ “Dirty Magazines: 27” revealed as Number Two answer ]

Ray Combs: Dirty magazines! Alright, okay. Bethany. It’s up to you, you can take this one home, or give it to the Rileys. Name something you find in your bedroom closet besides clothes.

William Thorton: [ gritting teeth ] Come on!

Bethany Thorton: [ trembling ] My father?

[ William panics at her revelation ]

Ray Combs: Can we see Her Father?

[ “Your Father: 21” revealed as Number Three answer ]

Yes! The Thortons, still champions! Congratulations!

Rebecca Thorton: You see? Everything’s gonna be alright!

Steve Thorton: No, no, it’s not alright, Mom! Just because we won does not make everything alright!

William Thorton: Oh, I suppose we should lose?

Steve Thorton: That’s not the point!

Ray Combs: Well, that’s all the time we have, I’m Ray Combs, and I’ll see you next time on the Feud!

[ the families gather at the center of the game show set ]

Chip Thorton: Hey, Dad, Steve, look at me! [ dances in front of everyone, missing Steven and William getting into a fistfight off to the side ]

Announcer: Tune in tomorrow, for more of the “Dysfunctional Family Feud”!

SNL Transcripts