SNL Transcripts: Christian Slater: 10/26/91: Pumping Up With Hans & Franz


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans… Dana Carvey
Franz… Kevin Nealon
… Arnold Schwarzenegger

[Yodeling music plays]

Announcer: Good evening and welcome again to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz, the informative training program for the serious weight lifter.

Hans and Franz: Alright welcome, we’re back.

Hans: Once again I am Hans.

Franz: Yah and I am Franz.

Both: And we are here to pump you up.

Franz: You know let me tell you something. Many of you are wondering where have we been?

Hans: Yeah that’s right. We spent most of the summer in movie theaters intensely screening the Earth’s most important cultural event.

Both: Terminator 2.

Franz: Yah that’s right, starring the world’s most popular movie star.

Hans: Yah which happens to be our cousin, perhaps you’ve heard of him.

Both: Arnold Schwartzaneggar.

Franz: Alright, alright. After crushing the movie industry, cousin Arnold went on a fifty state tour sponsored by president Bush.

Hans: That’s right. As you know, cousin Arnold was put in charge of the president’s counsel on physical pupitude.

Franz: That’s right, no better person. Arnold’s dream is to create a flabless utopia, but alas the girly man has a formidable opponent.

Hans: That’s right, but hear me now and believe me later, we can easily crush girly men like grapes.

Franz: That’s right, and make a nice dry white wine-

Both: Savajon girls.

Hans: That’s right. And if you were ever alive, we’d be rippled.

Franz: Yah that’s right, yah nice ripple. So you know we followed Arnold from state

to state to lend a helping muscle.

Hans: Yah take a look at this.

Franz: Yah.

[Video begins]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: [addressing group of kids] The next exercise is for the upper body to get you really strong, some push ups ok. Now for that, we’re gonna have my cousins come out and show you how to do it the proper way, ok. Come on, Hans and Franz, here they are.

[Hans and Franz walk in, greet Arnold]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys go ahead with the program, show them now.

Franz: Ok cousin Arnold, you know, but first I’d like to say kids, do not be alarmed by our stunning musculature.

Hans: Yah we know you’re tiny children brains can’t possibly comprehend the muscles so large, the arms to strong, our bodies so firm.

Franz: Yah that’s right. We know you’re traumatized right now by the site of us, but believe me, our muscles do not bite.

Hans: That’s right, we put on our weight belt the same way you do.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys, you’re not scaring anybody so let’s get back, get back to the exercising, that’s what we’re doing here.

Franz: Yah I get it, child psychology.

Hans: Alright cousin Arnold.

Franz: It’s very important to know how to properly flex.

Hans: Yah let’s go over some simple poses like this. [Hans and Franz pose] Try it.

[kids flex]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Guys hold on, hold it, there are more important things than posing.

Hans: That’s right, that’s right, before you pose, it’s very important to oil your body.

Franz: That’s right, so you can accent your cuts and your muscle definition.

Hans: Yah.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Fellas come on, we have to learn here about how to exercise.

Franz: Yah, yah cousin it’s all good to exercise, but sooner or later, they’re gonna have to learn how to compete.

Hans: That’s right. Ok now before you work out, it’s very important to shave all your body hair.

Franz: Yah that’s right, we are completely hairless, believe me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: No, no, no, no, no. Listen guys, this is not about competition, this is about exercising, listen fellas, hear me now and believe me later. What you’re doing here is you’re putting the carriage in front of the horse, that’s not what we want to do. If you continue on this way, I’m gonna twist your flab into the shape of a pacifier, and I’m gonna have you suck on it until you poop your diapers, huh? How about that?

Franz: We’re sorry cousin Arnold.

Hans: Yah, yah we’re sorry.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah you’re sure sorry, you’re real losers. You guys are the losers, I mean you’re wastes.

Hans: Yah alright, now can we please do the finale?

Franz: Please?

Hans: Please?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Alright.Hans: Thank you, alright. [drum music plays, Hans and Franz flex their fake muscles, then Arnold flexes his real muscles, stunning the kids. Video ends]

Franz: Alright, yah, that was beautiful.

Hans: Muscles perfectly firm. You know I love the way those pictorials were just dancing the night away.

Franz: That’s right. Alright kids, one more lesson. [Hans and Franz each display 2 eggs] These are your muscles.

Hans: Yah and these are your muscles on steroids. [both smash eggs]

Both: Yah, any questions? [pause] Alright.

Franz: Until next time, he is Hans-

Hans: And he is Franz-

Both: And we just want to pump you up! [theme music plays]

Announcer: This has been Pumping Up with Hans and Franz.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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