Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 4
91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt
Pumping Up With Hans & Franz
Franz Kevin Nealon
[Yodeling music plays]
Announcer: Good evening and welcome again to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz, the informative training program for the serious weight lifter.
Hans and Franz: Alright welcome, were back.
Hans: Once again I am Hans.
Franz: Yah and I am Franz.
Both: And we are here to pump you up.
Franz: You know let me tell you something. Many of you are wondering where have we been?
Hans: Yeah thats right. We spent most of the summer in movie theaters intensely screening the Earths most important cultural event.
Both: Terminator 2.
Franz: Yah thats right, starring the worlds most popular movie star.
Hans: Yah which happens to be our cousin, perhaps youve heard of him.
Both: Arnold Schwartzaneggar.
Franz: Alright, alright. After crushing the movie industry, cousin Arnold went on a fifty state tour sponsored by president Bush.
Hans: Thats right. As you know, cousin Arnold was put in charge of the presidents counsel on physical pupitude.
Franz: Thats right, no better person. Arnolds dream is to create a flabless utopia, but alas the girly man has a formidable opponent.
Hans: Thats right, but hear me now and believe me later, we can easily crush girly men like grapes.
Franz: Thats right, and make a nice dry white wine-
Both: Savajon girls.
Hans: Thats right. And if you were ever alive, wed be rippled.
Franz: Yah thats right, yah nice ripple. So you know we followed Arnold from state
to state to lend a helping muscle.
Hans: Yah take a look at this.
Franz: Yah.[Video begins]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: [addressing group of kids] The next exercise is for the upper body to get you really strong, some push ups ok. Now for that, were gonna have my cousins come out and show you how to do it the proper way, ok. Come on, Hans and Franz, here they are.[Hans and Franz walk in, greet Arnold]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys go ahead with the program, show them now.
Franz: Ok cousin Arnold, you know, but first Id like to say kids, do not be alarmed by our stunning musculature.
Hans: Yah we know youre tiny children brains cant possibly comprehend the muscles so large, the arms to strong, our bodies so firm.
Franz: Yah thats right. We know youre traumatized right now by the site of us, but believe me, our muscles do not bite.
Hans: Thats right, we put on our weight belt the same way you do.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys, youre not scaring anybody so lets get back, get back to the exercising, thats what were doing here.
Franz: Yah I get it, child psychology.
Hans: Alright cousin Arnold.
Franz: Its very important to know how to properly flex.
Hans: Yah lets go over some simple poses like this. [Hans and Franz pose] Try it.[kids flex]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Guys hold on, hold it, there are more important things than posing.
Hans: Thats right, thats right, before you pose, its very important to oil your body.
Franz: Thats right, so you can accent your cuts and your muscle definition.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Fellas come on, we have to learn here about how to exercise.
Franz: Yah, yah cousin its all good to exercise, but sooner or later, theyre gonna have to learn how to compete.
Hans: Thats right. Ok now before you work out, its very important to shave all your body hair.
Franz: Yah thats right, we are completely hairless, believe me.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: No, no, no, no, no. Listen guys, this is not about competition, this is about exercising, listen fellas, hear me now and believe me later. What youre doing here is youre putting the carriage in front of the horse, thats not what we want to do. If you continue on this way, Im gonna twist your flab into the shape of a pacifier, and Im gonna have you suck on it until you poop your diapers, huh? How about that?
Franz: Were sorry cousin Arnold.
Hans: Yah, yah were sorry.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah youre sure sorry, youre real losers. You guys are the losers, I mean youre wastes.
Hans: Yah alright, now can we please do the finale?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Alright.Hans: Thank you, alright. [drum music plays, Hans and Franz flex their fake muscles, then Arnold flexes his real muscles, stunning the kids. Video ends]
Franz: Alright, yah, that was beautiful.
Hans: Muscles perfectly firm. You know I love the way those pictorials were just dancing the night away.
Franz: Thats right. Alright kids, one more lesson. [Hans and Franz each display 2 eggs] These are your muscles.
Hans: Yah and these are your muscles on steroids. [both smash eggs]
Both: Yah, any questions? [pause] Alright.
Franz: Until next time, he is Hans-
Hans: And he is Franz-
Both: And we just want to pump you up! [theme music plays]
Announcer: This has been Pumping Up with Hans and Franz.
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg