Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 4
The McLaughlin Group
Real John Mclaughlin Himself
Pat Buchanan Phil Hartman
Morton Kondracke Kevin Nealon
Jack Germond Chris Farley
Fred Barnes Mike Myers
Announcer: From the nations capital, The McLaughlin Group, special Halloween edition. With panelists Jack Germond [wearing skeleton costume], Pat Buchanan [wearing devil costume], Fred Barnes [wearing ghost costume] and Morton Kondracke [dressed as Spiderman]. Now heres the moderator, John McLaughlin [wearing grim reeper costume].
John McLaughlin: Issue 1: The Mideast Peace Conference, trick or treat? Will the Israelis cooperate or does the Palestinian delegation have them spooked. Pat Buchanan.
Pat Buchanan: Well I think Israel is justifiably-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ghost of Fred Barnes!
Fred Barnes: I dont think a withdrawal-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mortone.
Morton Kondracke: Well the Palestinians are-
John McLaughlin: Not scary enough. Jack-o-lantern Germond.
Jack Germond: John Id really prefer-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is the Middle East peace talks will be ghoulishly successful. Issue 2! A little girl was gathering wood in the forest, while her step-mother who was suddenly astormed began to brew. [lights dim] The girl took refuge in a nearby abandoned mansion. Who was lurking in the cobwebs I ask you, Mortone! [flashes flashlight at Kondracke]
Morton Kondracke: Uh a grave robber?
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Flap-a-jack-a-Germondo!
Jack Germond: I dont know, a big bad wolf?
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Youre getting cold not warm. Fred Barnes- Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: Aaaaah!
John McLaughlin: Were you scared Pat?
Pat Buchanan: Of course Im not.
John McLaughlin: Wrong! You wish you were never born! Next issue! Close your eyes. Issue 3: Is this cold spaghetti or a human brain? [displays plate of spaghetti] Jack Germond!
Jack Germond: Im not gonna play it.
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Pat Buchanan, guess if you dare. [Buchanan shakes his head] Come on Mortone I know youll try.
Morton Kondracke: Well Im gonna have to say it feels like spaghetti.
John McLaughlin: Wrong, the correct answer is: ha ha ha ha ha ha! Next issue! [turns on flashlight below his head] The corpse of Hubert Humphrey will rise from the grave ere this night is out, agree or disagree? Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: John can we please just-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Freddy Kreuger!
Fred Barnes: Well its Fred Barnes-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Germoooooooooooondo, [high pitched voice] Jack Germooooooooondo.
Jack Germond: You know I really have no opinion on-
John McLaughlin: Maybe this will help you. [tosses black cat onto Germond, Germond scared as cat purrs]
John McLaughlin: How about you, Mor-tony Baloney.
Morton Kondracke: Well Senator Humphrey has been dead for over 15 years, so if there were a living corpse, I would think the Democrats would be no interest in John, why are you letting me talk so long? John? John? [scary music plays, McLaughlin appears dead]Voice in Background: Hoo hoo hoo, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
[The real actual John McLaughlin walks in dressed as Grim Reeper, removes hood, pushing fake McLaughlin out of his chair, and real McLaughlin takes his seat]
Real John McLaughlin: Sorry the teasing was starting to get to me so I had to take action. Issue. Our unified Europe, good for them, how about us? Boon or bean? Freddy Barnes and Noble?
Fred Barnes: Well I think we depend far too much on-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong. Patty cake patty cake, bakers Buchanan.
Pat Buchanan: Europe ought to be concerned that-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! More Tony Bennett, less Tony Martin!
Morton Kondracke: Well I would have to say-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Jack bo back, banana bana fo fack, fee fy fo mack Ja-ack!
Jack Germond: Alright you can start the show now you big ham.
Real John McLaughlin: Itll be my pleasure. Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg