SNL Transcripts: Christian Slater: 10/26/91: The McLaughlin Group


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

The McLaughlin Group

John McLaughlin… Dana Carvey
Real John Mclaughlin… Himself
Pat Buchanan… Phil Hartman
Morton Kondracke… Kevin Nealon
Jack Germond… Chris Farley
Fred Barnes… Mike Myers

[Theme music]

Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group”, special Halloween edition. With panelists Jack Germond [wearing skeleton costume], Pat Buchanan [wearing devil costume], Fred Barnes [wearing ghost costume] and Morton Kondracke [dressed as Spiderman]. Now here’s the moderator, John McLaughlin [wearing grim reeper costume].

John McLaughlin: Issue 1: The Mideast Peace Conference, trick or treat? Will the Israeli’s cooperate or does the Palestinian delegation have them spooked. Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan: Well I think Israel is justifiably-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ghost of Fred Barnes!

Fred Barnes: I don’t think a withdrawal-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mortone.

Morton Kondracke: Well the Palestinians are-

John McLaughlin: Not scary enough. Jack-o-lantern Germond.

Jack Germond: John I’d really prefer-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is the Middle East peace talks will be ghoulishly successful. Issue 2! A little girl was gathering wood in the forest, while her step-mother who was suddenly astormed began to brew. [lights dim] The girl took refuge in a nearby abandoned mansion. Who was lurking in the cobwebs I ask you, Mortone! [flashes flashlight at Kondracke]

Morton Kondracke: Uh a grave robber?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Flap-a-jack-a-Germondo!

Jack Germond: I don’t know, a big bad wolf?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You’re getting cold not warm. Fred Barnes- Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Aaaaah!

John McLaughlin: Were you scared Pat?

Pat Buchanan: Of course I’m not.

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You wish you were never born! Next issue! Close your eyes. Issue 3: Is this cold spaghetti or a human brain? [displays plate of spaghetti] Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: I’m not gonna play it.

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Pat Buchanan, guess if you dare. [Buchanan shakes his head] Come on Mortone I know you’ll try.

Morton Kondracke: Well I’m gonna have to say it feels like spaghetti.

John McLaughlin: Wrong, the correct answer is: ha ha ha ha ha ha! Next issue! [turns on flashlight below his head] The corpse of Hubert Humphrey will rise from the grave ere this night is out, agree or disagree? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: John can we please just-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Freddy Kreuger!

Fred Barnes: Well it’s Fred Barnes-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Germoooooooooooondo, [high pitched voice] Jack Germooooooooondo.

Jack Germond: You know I really have no opinion on-

John McLaughlin: Maybe this will help you. [tosses black cat onto Germond, Germond scared as cat purrs]

John McLaughlin: How about you, Mor-tony Baloney.

Morton Kondracke: Well Senator Humphrey has been dead for over 15 years, so if there were a living corpse, I would think the Democrats would be no interest in… John, why are you letting me talk so long? John? John? [scary music plays, McLaughlin appears dead]Voice in Background: Hoo hoo hoo, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

[The real actual John McLaughlin walks in dressed as Grim Reeper, removes hood, pushing fake McLaughlin out of his chair, and real McLaughlin takes his seat]

Real John McLaughlin: Sorry the teasing was starting to get to me so I had to take action. Issue. Our unified Europe, good for them, how about us? Boon or bean? Freddy Barnes and Noble?

Fred Barnes: Well I think we depend far too much on-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong. Patty cake patty cake, bakers Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan: Europe ought to be concerned that-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! More Tony Bennett, less Tony Martin!

Morton Kondracke: Well I would have to say-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Jack bo back, banana bana fo fack, fee fy fo mack Ja-ack!

Jack Germond: Alright you can start the show now you big ham.

Real John McLaughlin: It’ll be my pleasure. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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