Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Queen Shenequa…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a compulsive gambler.

Speaking at Harvard yesterday, Ted Kennedy acknowledged his faults and promised to clean up his act, admitting that most of his faults involve women and alcohol. The senator promised that he would make all of his women cut down on their alcohol.

[ Headline reads: “Quayle sharpening his tongue for role as Bush’s defender” ]Doctors had to put twenty stitches in Vice-President Dan Quayle’s tongue this week, after Secret Service bodyguards pulled it out of a White House pencil sharpener.

Fromer Klansman and White Supremacist David Duke seems pretty confident he’ll be Louisiana’s next Governor. Outside a theater in New Orleans, Duke was noticably disappointed after viewing “Boyz ‘N The Hood”. Said Duke, “I was expecting something else.”

Kevin Nealon: I thought I’d take a moment for a brief editorial on the devestating conditions the Soviet economy is now undergoing. [ turns to give editorial ] The Soviet economy is now undergoing some devestating conditions.

According to a recent survey, people with blonde hair are still having more fun.

Three women, fearing another Anita Hill experience, this week backed out of a Senate subcomitee hearing. They could have walked out forward, but they didn’t even trust the senators.

Kevin Nealon: Here now, with her own unique opinion on the Clarence Thomas situation, is SNL’s #1 soul sister, Queen Shenequa. Queen?

Queen Sheniqua: Thank you, Kevin! This is Queen Sheniqua for “Update” – I’m mad about Clarence Thomas being comfirmed to the Supreme Court. The sexual harassment, that bothered me. But you know what bothered me more? He was sitting up there with that white woman, you see that? Where’s the Klan when you need them? Didn’t they start the Klan to prevent things like that? Disproportionately, successful black men marry white women – what’s up with that? Kevin’s doing very well – he’s doing “Update” now, he’s pretty successful, you don’t see him pushing up next to Queen Shenequa, do you? Do you?

Kevin Nealon: [ shaking head ] No.. no..

Queen Sheniqua: But if Chris Rock was sitting in that anchor chair, he’d be all up in Victoria Jackson’s face, like white on rice! Or black on rice, as the case may be, right, Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Well, I’m not so sure I follow..

Queen Sheniqua: Well, follow this – you know what it is? It’s the press that black women get! For years, the only black women you saw in movies were turning tricks as hookers, a negative image. But as soon as Julia Roberts played a prostitute, she became “Pretty Woman”! Critics caled her a “modern day Cinderella”. She was a whore! Julia Roberts was a ho! Now, America can’t get enough of prostitution! Now, there’s a lot of movies – “La Femme Nikita”, “The Last Prostitute”.. now they got one called “Whore”! I got it! We need a movie to get our men back! How about, instead of “Boyz ‘N The Hood”, we could have a movie called “Man In My House”. Instead of “New Jack City”, “Man In My House”. “Jungle Fever”? “Man In My House”! Thank you, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Queen Shenequa.

Well, someone is in for a lot of money tonight, when Florida draws the winning $94 million lottery ticket. Lottery officials say the odds of winning are 14,000,000:1. And, in a related story, Jerry Brown is running for President.

Imelda Marcos is planning a return trip to the Phillipines this month, with the body of her deceased husband Ferdinand Marcos. Phillipine Airlines says there will not be a problem, as long as the former President can fit under the seat or in the overhead bin.

Well, Native American Indians are protesting the Atlanta Braves’ Tomahawk Chops, saying it mocks Native American culture. The Minnesota Twins are getting their share of criticism as well, as sets of twins from all over the midwest converged on the area to protest being exploited. And it seems that the Twins’ homer-hankie waves are offensive to the Iraqis, who claim it mocks their Gulf War surrender.

Well, this just in. We have a score on tonight’s fifth game of the World Series – it’s 8 to 5.

A young man who mistook his mother for a deer shot her in the family’s backyard this week. The mistake wasn’t discovered until her head was mounted on the living room wall.

Kevin Nealon: And now, here with a report on how to stretch your Halloween dollar, is “Weekend Update” correspondent, Adam Sandler. Adam?

Adam Sandler: Halloween is coming, and it’s always loads of fun! But we have to remember – we’re living in a recession, and money is tight. So don’t go bugging your parents for these new, overpriced costumes. They’re such a ripoff! If you want an original, scary Halloween costume, just use your imagination!

You can just use your own t-shirt! Go as Crazy One-Armed Man. [ stuffs one arm under his t-shirt ] “Hey, look at me! I only got one arm, and I’m crazy! Now give me some candy, or I’ll grab you with my crazy one-arm!”

Or, how about going as Crazy One-Hand-Coming-Out-of-the-Neck Guy? [ pokes hand out from the top of his shirt collar ] “Hey! I’m Crazy Hand-Coming-Out-of-the-Neck Guy! Now, give me some candy! Don’t you think I deserve some for being this crazy?!

Or.. how about going as Crazy No-Armed-Woman? [ stuffs both arms under his t-shirt ] “I want some candy! Candy, candy! Everybody knows that Crazy Woman-With-No-Arms just loves candy! Now, give it to me, or I’ll rip your ear off!”

You can use something that’s in your house, even.. [ laughs, holds spoon to his head ] How about a spoon? “I’m Crazy Spoon-Head! And I want some candy! I don’t have a normal head, I got a damn spoon growing out of it! Now, give me some crazy candy, dammit! Ow-ooo, this spoon makes me b>crazy!”

[ picks up potted plant ] Or, just use a plant from someone’s yard! [ places plant over head ] “Hey! I’m Crazy Plant-Head, how about some candy! Come on, I’m crazy! And I got a plant coming out of my head! Don’t leave Crazy Plant-Head hanging, he needs some candy, too!”

Or, a Crazy Plant-Arm! [ pulls plant into his sleeve ] “Hey, look at this! I have a plant coming out of my arm! Isn’t that bizarre! I am crazy, I am deformed, and I am hungry! Now, give me some candy! Fork it over!”

Kevin Nealon: Hey, Adam! How about this? [ laughs, places styrofoam cup on his head ] “I’m Cup-Head! Cup-Head, hey, I want some candy, I’m Cup-Head!” [ Adam laughs ] Adam Sandler, ladies and gentlemen.

Pee Wee Herman was rushed to Cedar Simon Hospital today, after attending a Halloween costume party as Edward Scissorhands.

Kevin Nealon: For some hints on how to dress for your local weather, let’s turn now to our USA Today weather map. [ points to colored map ] If you live in the East, you may want to break out your yellow clothes; up in the North, your blue or light-blue clothes; and green, yellow and brown clothes in the Midwest, possibly a plaid ensemble. More weather tomorrow.

Don’t forget – Daylight Savings Time ends tonight, so at two o’clock, set your clock ahead 23 hours. If you’re in Central/Mountain Time, it’s 1 hour back, minus the 2 hour time difference. In New York City, and those of you on the West Coast, it’s a 3 hour time difference, 1 hour back, and 3 eggs.

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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