Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 5
Whos Ass Should I Kiss
Executive #1…..Kevin Nealon
Exec. #2…..Dana Carvey
Exec. #3…..Julia Sweeney
Delivery Man…..Adam Sandler
Don Pardo: Welcome again to Whos Ass Should I Kiss. With your host, Dale Robbins.
Host: Thank you and welcome. As always on Whos Ass Should I Kiss, 2 contestants from the same company will go head to head to figure out which one of these 3 persons is in fact a very important executive in their firm and who in turn could really help their career. The other 2 are imposters. Lets watch our contestants try to climb the corporate ladder by asking themselves Whos Ass Should I Kiss?. But first lets meet our contestants: Jeffrey Hensen and Larry Turner. Jeffrey and Larry are both low level grunts who make cold calls for the investment firm Shearse and Layman.
Jeffrey: I just want to say Dale before we start that this is by far the greatest game show today, and you are my favorite game show host.
Larry: Yes I agree. This show is important to me. Its always been there to give me a lift when Ive needed it.
Jeffrey: Dale ive been a fan of yours since back in the 70s Devils Deal the way you make everybody feel so welcome
Larry: Yes I agree this show is like a family to me.
Host: Ok Ok I think you guys are ready to play. It should be quite a contest. But you better focus your ass kissing in that direction. [points to execs]
Larry: I hear ya amigo.
Host: Jeffrey lets begin with you.
Jeffrey: Executive #1, we work in the same building. Which building is that? And by the way thats a very nice suit you have on- is it an Armani?
Exec. #1: we work in the World Trade Center, and yes, thank you, it is an Armani.
Larry: Yes I agree, wonderful suit, excellent choice.
Host: Larry its not your turn.
Larry: Well said.
Host: Jeffrey you have 5 points, nice job.
Larry: Yes I agree, nice job. [buzzer sound]
Host: Larry! Thats minus 5 points for ass kissing your opponent.
Larry: I deserve it.
Host: Jeff please continue.
Jeffrey: Itll be my pleasure. Executive #2, not everybody has the drive to succeed that you so obviously have. Can you give some advice to those of us who are not as gifted.
Exec. #2: Well thank you very much. I say if you want to succeed you work hard, play hard and keep your mouth shut.
Host: Jeffrey another 5 points, excellent ass kissing.
Jeffrey: youre not so bad yourself Dale.
Host: Well thank you. Alright Larry its your turn.
Larry: Executive #2, Im almost inclined to think youre way to young and handsome to be an executive. Surely you must be a movie star or something.
Exec #2: So you think Im too young to be an executive? Is that what youre saying?
Larry: No, I, I-[buzzer]
Host: oooooh. Thats another minus 5 points for insulting executive #2.
Larry: I would like to take this time to formally apologize to executive #2 for even suggesting-
Host: Larry stop your ass kissing. Its not your turn. Jeffrey back to you.
Jeffrey: executive #3. forgive me but I cant help myself. Are you wearing the perfume Shalamar?
Exec #3: why yes.
Jeffrey: doesnt it take a special kind of woman to carry that off?
Exec #3: youre right. [ringing]
Host: Jeffrey youre on a roll. Excellent work there Jeffrey. Larry youre falling behind a little bit.
Larry: Executive #1, so many less talented people surround themselves with yes men. Yet youve chosen people who challenge you and raise standards. [buzzer sound]
Host: Ah thats what I thought. Thats not a question, thats just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.
Larry: Im not ashamed, Id do it again.
Host: Alright Jeffrey your turn.
Jeffrey: Executive #1, do you find that your legendary sexual prowess enhances your work, or that your work enhances your legendary sexual prowess?
Exec #1: Well I have to admit I get my fair share.
Host: Hehehe alright. Hey hey whats this?
Delivery Man: I have a dozen roses to be delivered to Executive #3.
Exec #3: Oh theyre perfect.
Jeffrey: It was me that got them for you, think nothing of it. It was the least I could do.
Exec #3: Oh Jeffrey youre so thoughtful.
Host: [ringing sound] 25 bonus points!!
Larry: Yes very thoughtful.
Host: Whats that Larry?
Larry: I didnt say anything.
Host: Alright. Jeffrey its still your turn.
Jeffrey: Executive #2 youre very tan and your skin is so youthful while others around you have given in to stress with such a demanding schedule. How have you managed to stop your aging process?
Exec #2: Just good genes I guess.
Host: [ring] Very good. Larry, your turn.
Larry: Executive #1, youre obviously a very generous and talented man. What sexual favor would you like? [off beat buzzer sound]
Host: Oooh. Im afraid weve run out of time Larry. And you have no points. Im afraid you wont be around to play final ass kissing.
Larry: I just want to say its been a great experience, one that Ill always treasure. When I look back-
Host: Oh shut up. [Larry heads out of room] Don Pardo tell Jeffrey what hell be playing for.
Don Pardo: Dale may I say youve handled tonights show masterfully.
Host: [gives kissing gesture]
Don Pardo: Jeffrey youll be playing for a ten thousand dollar a year raise, a life time membership to the companys exercise room and spa and your own name stenciled parking space in the company garage. Back to you Dale.
Host: Ok youre the best Don Pardo.
Don Pardo: No you are!
Host: Its final ass kissing time Jeff, whos it going to be?
Jeffrey: Well Dale its a difficult choice, theyre all so good. While executive #2 is a very talented executive who Im sure is not going to let anything stop him from getting to the top of the ladder, and Executive #3 while shes a very attractive woman who has managed to succeed in a viciously male dominated environment yet has retained all of her femininity, Ive decided to kiss executive #1s ass because, well Ive seen him in the elevator a couple times.
Host: Alright congratulations Jeffrey youve kissed butt correctly![Jeffrey and Exec. #1 shake hands]
Host: Bye everybody see ya tomorrow.
Don Pardo: Whos Ass Should I Kiss is an Arsenio Hall production.
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg