SNL Transcripts: Kiefer Sutherland: 11/02/91: Who’s Ass Should I Kiss


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 5

91e: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

Who’s Ass Should I Kiss

Executive #1…..Kevin Nealon
Exec. #2…..Dana Carvey
Exec. #3…..Julia Sweeney
Jeffrey…..Kiefer Sutherland
Larry…..Rob Schnieder
Host…..Phil Hartman
Delivery Man…..Adam Sandler

[Theme Music]

Don Pardo: Welcome again to ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’. With your host, Dale Robbins.

Host: Thank you and welcome. As always on ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’, 2 contestants from the same company will go head to head to figure out which one of these 3 persons is in fact a very important executive in their firm and who in turn could really help their career. The other 2 are imposters. Let’s watch our contestants try to climb the corporate ladder by asking themselves ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss?’. But first let’s meet our contestants: Jeffrey Hensen and Larry Turner. Jeffrey and Larry are both low level grunts who make cold calls for the investment firm Shearse and Layman.

Jeffrey: I just want to say Dale before we start that this is by far the greatest game show today, and you are my favorite game show host.

Larry: Yes I agree. This show is important to me. It’s always been there to give me a lift when I’ve needed it.

Jeffrey: Dale ive been a fan of yours since back in the 70’s Devil’s Deal the way you make everybody feel so welcome

Larry: Yes I agree this show is like a family to me.

Host: Ok Ok I think you guys are ready to play. It should be quite a contest. But you better focus your ass kissing in that direction. [points to execs]

Larry: I hear ya amigo.

Host: Jeffrey let’s begin with you.

Jeffrey: Executive #1, we work in the same building. Which building is that? And by the way that’s a very nice suit you have on- is it an Armani?

Exec. #1: we work in the World Trade Center, and yes, thank you, it is an Armani.

Larry: Yes I agree, wonderful suit, excellent choice.

Host: Larry it’s not your turn.

Larry: Well said.

Host: Jeffrey you have 5 points, nice job.

Larry: Yes I agree, nice job. [buzzer sound]

Host: Larry! That’s minus 5 points for ass kissing your opponent.

Larry: I deserve it.

Host: Jeff please continue.

Jeffrey: It’ll be my pleasure. Executive #2, not everybody has the drive to succeed that you so obviously have. Can you give some advice to those of us who are not as gifted.

Exec. #2: Well thank you very much. I say if you want to succeed you work hard, play hard and keep your mouth shut.

Host: Jeffrey another 5 points, excellent ass kissing.

Jeffrey: you’re not so bad yourself Dale.

Host: Well thank you. Alright Larry it’s your turn.

Larry: Executive #2, I’m almost inclined to think you’re way to young and handsome to be an executive. Surely you must be a movie star or something.

Exec #2: So you think I’m too young to be an executive? Is that what you’re saying?

Larry: No, I, I-[buzzer]

Host: oooooh. That’s another minus 5 points for insulting executive #2.

Larry: I would like to take this time to formally apologize to executive #2 for even suggesting-

Host: Larry stop your ass kissing. It’s not your turn. Jeffrey back to you.

Jeffrey: executive #3. forgive me but I can’t help myself. Are you wearing the perfume Shalamar?

Exec #3: why yes.

Jeffrey: doesn’t it take a special kind of woman to carry that off?

Exec #3: you’re right. [ringing]

Host: Jeffrey you’re on a roll. Excellent work there Jeffrey. Larry you’re falling behind a little bit.

Larry: Executive #1, so many less talented people surround themselves with yes men. Yet you’ve chosen people who challenge you and raise standards. [buzzer sound]

Host: Ah that’s what I thought. That’s not a question, that’s just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.

Larry: I’m not ashamed, I’d do it again.

Host: Alright Jeffrey your turn.

Jeffrey: Executive #1, do you find that your legendary sexual prowess enhances your work, or that your work enhances your legendary sexual prowess?

Exec #1: Well I have to admit I get my fair share.

Host: Hehehe alright. Hey hey what’s this?

Delivery Man: I have a dozen roses to be delivered to Executive #3.

Exec #3: Oh they’re perfect.

Jeffrey: It was me that got them for you, think nothing of it. It was the least I could do.

Exec #3: Oh Jeffrey you’re so thoughtful.

Host: [ringing sound] 25 bonus points!!

Larry: Yes very thoughtful.

Host: What’s that Larry?

Larry: I didn’t say anything.

Host: Alright. Jeffrey it’s still your turn.

Jeffrey: Executive #2 you’re very tan and your skin is so youthful while others around you have given in to stress with such a demanding schedule. How have you managed to stop your aging process?

Exec #2: Just good genes I guess.

Host: [ring] Very good. Larry, your turn.

Larry: Executive #1, you’re obviously a very generous and talented man. What sexual favor would you like? [off beat buzzer sound]

Host: Oooh. I’m afraid we’ve run out of time Larry. And you have no points. I’m afraid you won’t be around to play final ass kissing.

Larry: I just want to say it’s been a great experience, one that I’ll always treasure. When I look back-

Host: Oh shut up. [Larry heads out of room] Don Pardo tell Jeffrey what he’ll be playing for.

Don Pardo: Dale may I say you’ve handled tonight’s show masterfully.

Host: [gives kissing gesture]

Don Pardo: Jeffrey you’ll be playing for a ten thousand dollar a year raise, a life time membership to the company’s exercise room and spa and your own name stenciled parking space in the company garage. Back to you Dale.

Host: Ok you’re the best Don Pardo.

Don Pardo: No you are!

Host: It’s final ass kissing time Jeff, who’s it going to be?

Jeffrey: Well Dale it’s a difficult choice, they’re all so good. While executive #2 is a very talented executive who I’m sure is not going to let anything stop him from getting to the top of the ladder, and Executive #3 while she’s a very attractive woman who has managed to succeed in a viciously male dominated environment yet has retained all of her femininity, I’ve decided to kiss executive #1’s ass because, well I’ve seen him in the elevator a couple times.

Host: Alright congratulations Jeffrey you’ve kissed butt correctly!

[Jeffrey and Exec. #1 shake hands]

Host: Bye everybody see ya tomorrow.

Don Pardo: ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’ is an Arsenio Hall production.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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