SNL Transcripts: Kiefer Sutherland: 11/02/91: Who’s Ass Should I Kiss

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 5

91e: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

Who’s Ass Should I Kiss

Executive #1…..Kevin Nealon
Exec. #2…..Dana Carvey
Exec. #3…..Julia Sweeney
Jeffrey…..Kiefer Sutherland
Larry…..Rob Schnieder
Host…..Phil Hartman
Delivery Man…..Adam Sandler

[Theme Music]

Don Pardo: Welcome again to ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’. With your host, Dale Robbins.

Host: Thank you and welcome. As always on ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’, 2 contestants from the same company will go head to head to figure out which one of these 3 persons is in fact a very important executive in their firm and who in turn could really help their career. The other 2 are imposters. Let’s watch our contestants try to climb the corporate ladder by asking themselves ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss?’. But first let’s meet our contestants: Jeffrey Hensen and Larry Turner. Jeffrey and Larry are both low level grunts who make cold calls for the investment firm Shearse and Layman.

Jeffrey: I just want to say Dale before we start that this is by far the greatest game show today, and you are my favorite game show host.

Larry: Yes I agree. This show is important to me. It’s always been there to give me a lift when I’ve needed it.

Jeffrey: Dale ive been a fan of yours since back in the 70’s Devil’s Deal the way you make everybody feel so welcome

Larry: Yes I agree this show is like a family to me.

Host: Ok Ok I think you guys are ready to play. It should be quite a contest. But you better focus your ass kissing in that direction. [points to execs]

Larry: I hear ya amigo.

Host: Jeffrey let’s begin with you.

Jeffrey: Executive #1, we work in the same building. Which building is that? And by the way that’s a very nice suit you have on- is it an Armani?

Exec. #1: we work in the World Trade Center, and yes, thank you, it is an Armani.

Larry: Yes I agree, wonderful suit, excellent choice.

Host: Larry it’s not your turn.

Larry: Well said.

Host: Jeffrey you have 5 points, nice job.

Larry: Yes I agree, nice job. [buzzer sound]

Host: Larry! That’s minus 5 points for ass kissing your opponent.

Larry: I deserve it.

Host: Jeff please continue.

Jeffrey: It’ll be my pleasure. Executive #2, not everybody has the drive to succeed that you so obviously have. Can you give some advice to those of us who are not as gifted.

Exec. #2: Well thank you very much. I say if you want to succeed you work hard, play hard and keep your mouth shut.

Host: Jeffrey another 5 points, excellent ass kissing.

Jeffrey: you’re not so bad yourself Dale.

Host: Well thank you. Alright Larry it’s your turn.

Larry: Executive #2, I’m almost inclined to think you’re way to young and handsome to be an executive. Surely you must be a movie star or something.

Exec #2: So you think I’m too young to be an executive? Is that what you’re saying?

Larry: No, I, I-[buzzer]

Host: oooooh. That’s another minus 5 points for insulting executive #2.

Larry: I would like to take this time to formally apologize to executive #2 for even suggesting-

Host: Larry stop your ass kissing. It’s not your turn. Jeffrey back to you.

Jeffrey: executive #3. forgive me but I can’t help myself. Are you wearing the perfume Shalamar?

Exec #3: why yes.

Jeffrey: doesn’t it take a special kind of woman to carry that off?

Exec #3: you’re right. [ringing]

Host: Jeffrey you’re on a roll. Excellent work there Jeffrey. Larry you’re falling behind a little bit.

Larry: Executive #1, so many less talented people surround themselves with yes men. Yet you’ve chosen people who challenge you and raise standards. [buzzer sound]

Host: Ah that’s what I thought. That’s not a question, that’s just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.

Larry: I’m not ashamed, I’d do it again.

Host: Alright Jeffrey your turn.

Jeffrey: Executive #1, do you find that your legendary sexual prowess enhances your work, or that your work enhances your legendary sexual prowess?

Exec #1: Well I have to admit I get my fair share.

Host: Hehehe alright. Hey hey what’s this?

Delivery Man: I have a dozen roses to be delivered to Executive #3.

Exec #3: Oh they’re perfect.

Jeffrey: It was me that got them for you, think nothing of it. It was the least I could do.

Exec #3: Oh Jeffrey you’re so thoughtful.

Host: [ringing sound] 25 bonus points!!

Larry: Yes very thoughtful.

Host: What’s that Larry?

Larry: I didn’t say anything.

Host: Alright. Jeffrey it’s still your turn.

Jeffrey: Executive #2 you’re very tan and your skin is so youthful while others around you have given in to stress with such a demanding schedule. How have you managed to stop your aging process?

Exec #2: Just good genes I guess.

Host: [ring] Very good. Larry, your turn.

Larry: Executive #1, you’re obviously a very generous and talented man. What sexual favor would you like? [off beat buzzer sound]

Host: Oooh. I’m afraid we’ve run out of time Larry. And you have no points. I’m afraid you won’t be around to play final ass kissing.

Larry: I just want to say it’s been a great experience, one that I’ll always treasure. When I look back-

Host: Oh shut up. [Larry heads out of room] Don Pardo tell Jeffrey what he’ll be playing for.

Don Pardo: Dale may I say you’ve handled tonight’s show masterfully.

Host: [gives kissing gesture]

Don Pardo: Jeffrey you’ll be playing for a ten thousand dollar a year raise, a life time membership to the company’s exercise room and spa and your own name stenciled parking space in the company garage. Back to you Dale.

Host: Ok you’re the best Don Pardo.

Don Pardo: No you are!

Host: It’s final ass kissing time Jeff, who’s it going to be?

Jeffrey: Well Dale it’s a difficult choice, they’re all so good. While executive #2 is a very talented executive who I’m sure is not going to let anything stop him from getting to the top of the ladder, and Executive #3 while she’s a very attractive woman who has managed to succeed in a viciously male dominated environment yet has retained all of her femininity, I’ve decided to kiss executive #1’s ass because, well I’ve seen him in the elevator a couple times.

Host: Alright congratulations Jeffrey you’ve kissed butt correctly!

[Jeffrey and Exec. #1 shake hands]

Host: Bye everybody see ya tomorrow.

Don Pardo: ‘Who’s Ass Should I Kiss’ is an Arsenio Hall production.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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