Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 5
B- Fats…..Chris Farley
Man on phone…..Tim Meadows
Don Pardo: Live from the Marcy Projects, its Im Chillin.[Rock and Farley dance in to rap theme music]
Onski: Yo yo yo whats up? Welcome to Im Chillin, the showsy showsy showsy with they hosy hosy hosy. Now Im your host, Onski, to the highest degree, to the T. O. P., yo its all about me. And sittin by my side, my main man, my ace in the hole, my New Jersey toll, my Ester roll, my ten foot pole, my Billy Joel, my Nat King Coe, my Dead Dea Scroll, my Dr. Scholl, my helmet cole, my grassy knoll, my kid Creole, my la ka scha fole- its B- Fats. Yo B tell em how you feel.
B-Fats: Yo I just came from taxin a ho. Now everything is mop and glow.
Onski: Yo I hear that man. Now before I start the shizzo- I say before I start the show, I wanna say whats up to our new sponsor. Thats right. I wanna say whats up to 168th street spring water. The only spring water, I say the only spring water that comes directly from a fire hydrant. [Rock and Farley sip the water bottles]
B-Fats: Yo Onski I heard u think Sinbad is all that and a bag of chips.
Onski: Yo I think Sinbad is a genius man. I used to think he was soft right? Then he did that joke he does, about what part of the chicken does the chicken McNugget come from. I said damn he funny man. Hes talkin about real life man.
B-Fats: Yo hes funnier that Richard Prior.
Onski: Yo man I aint sayin all that now. Yo its about that time.
B-Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?
Onski: Naw B.
B-Fats: Time to suck a lime?
Onski: Naw B. Its time for the mother joke of the day. Thats right. Todays mother joke was sent to us from Kelly B. of Gilmore Projects. The only project with its own mall right, and it goes a little somethin like this. Your mothers so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo Don Pardo tell em what she wins.
Don Psrdo: You win child support. Thats right 3 weeks of child support. [Screen shows check that says here bitch! From babys father]
Onski: Yo Don tell em what else she gonna win.
Don Pardo: You get a call from your babys father. Thats right we tracked him down. Youll hear his voice for the first time in a year. Youll hear him say things like:
Man [on phone]: Yo whats up? You got that check?
Don Pardo: Hear him show genuine concern about the child.
Man [on phone]: I still dont think its mine.
Don Pardo: Hear him try to rekindle that old romance.
Man [on phone]: Still got that big ass?
Don Pardo: And if you dont like that you can get the bullsac.
Onski: Yo yo yo Kelly Kelly, you got that big ass check and you got that big ass. Yo baby I wanna know one thing- how can I get down? Now right now were gonna watch a new video from Lady B called yes but Im a good ho. [Beeper goes off] Yo yo thats my beeper yo yo. We gotta check out till next week, cuz right now I gotta go pick up my babys mother. Its her birthday, were gonna have a special night. Were gonna have a little candlelight dinner down at Kentucky Fried Chicken you know, drink some champagne. Gonna go home and watch Homie the Clown.
B-Fats: Yo remember always wipe and stay off the pipe.
Onski: And if a sucker gets ill, tell them Im chillin.[Theme music]
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg