SNL Transcripts: Kiefer Sutherland: 11/02/91: I’m Chillin’


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 5

91e: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

I’m Chillin’

Onski…..Chris Rock
B- Fats…..Chris Farley
Man on phone…..Tim Meadows

Don Pardo: Live from the Marcy Projects, it’s ‘I’m Chillin’.

[Rock and Farley dance in to rap theme music]

Onski: Yo yo yo what’s up? Welcome to ‘I’m Chillin’, the showsy showsy showsy with they hosy hosy hosy. Now I’m your host, Onski, to the highest degree, to the T. O. P., yo it’s all about me. And sittin by my side, my main man, my ace in the hole, my New Jersey toll, my Ester roll, my ten foot pole, my Billy Joel, my Nat King Coe, my Dead Dea Scroll, my Dr. Scholl, my helmet cole, my grassy knoll, my kid Creole, my la ka scha fole- it’s B- Fats. Yo B tell ‘em how you feel.

B-Fats: Yo I just came from taxin a ho. Now everything is mop and glow.

Onski: Yo I hear that man. Now before I start the shizzo- I say before I start the show, I wanna say what’s up to our new sponsor. That’s right. I wanna say what’s up to 168th street spring water. The only spring water, I say the only spring water that comes directly from a fire hydrant. [Rock and Farley sip the water bottles]

B-Fats: Yo Onski I heard u think Sinbad is all that and a bag of chips.

Onski: Yo I think Sinbad is a genius man. I used to think he was soft right? Then he did that joke he does, about what part of the chicken does the chicken McNugget come from. I said ‘damn he funny’ man. He’s talkin about real life man.

B-Fats: Yo he’s funnier that Richard Prior.

Onski: Yo man I ain’t sayin all that now. Yo it’s about that time.

B-Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?

Onski: Naw B.

B-Fats: Time to suck a lime?

Onski: Naw B. It’s time for the mother joke of the day. That’s right. Today’s mother joke was sent to us from Kelly B. of Gilmore Projects. The only project with its own mall right, and it goes a little somethin like this. Your mothers’ so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo Don Pardo tell em what she wins.

Don Psrdo: You win child support. That’s right 3 weeks of child support. [Screen shows check that says ‘here bitch! From baby’s father]

Onski: Yo Don tell em what else she gonna win.

Don Pardo: You get a call from your baby’s father. That’s right we tracked him down. You’ll hear his voice for the first time in a year. You’ll hear him say things like:

Man [on phone]: Yo what’s up? You got that check?

Don Pardo: Hear him show genuine concern about the child.

Man [on phone]: I still don’t think it’s mine.

Don Pardo: Hear him try to rekindle that old romance.

Man [on phone]: Still got that big ass?

Don Pardo: And if you don’t like that you can get the bullsac.

Onski: Yo yo yo Kelly Kelly, you got that big ass check and you got that big ass. Yo baby I wanna know one thing- how can I get down? Now right now we’re gonna watch a new video from Lady B called ‘yes but I’m a good ho’. [Beeper goes off] Yo yo that’s my beeper yo yo. We gotta check out till next week, cuz right now I gotta go pick up my baby’s mother. It’s her birthday, we’re gonna have a special night. We’re gonna have a little candlelight dinner down at Kentucky Fried Chicken you know, drink some champagne. Gonna go home and watch Homie the Clown.

B-Fats: Yo remember always wipe and stay off the pipe.

Onski: And if a sucker get’s ill, tell them ‘I’m chillin’.

[Theme music]

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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