All Things Scottish
Stuart Rankin…..Mike Myers
Customer #1…..Dana Carvey
Rodney…..Tim Meadows
Customer #2…..Phil Hartman
Ronnie Rankin…..Keifer Sutherland
Customer #3…..Victoria Jackson
[ Customer #1 enters All Things Scottish ]
Stuart Rankin: Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?
Customer #1: Yeah, I’d like a poster of the guy who played Scotty on “Star Trek”, have you got that?
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye. James Doogan, yeah, right there. [ grabs poster ] That’ll be $7.42, please. [ goes to register ] Ah, the machine doesn’t work, I’ll have to pay you back later..
Customer #1: Okay.. sure. [ exits ]
Stuart Rankin: Rodney!! Rodney!! Get out here, and bring some more Scotty posters, would ye?!
Rodney: [ enters from back room ] Man, Stuart, why don’t you chill, man?
Stuart Rankin: Oh.. I’ll chill you in a second! Alright, go and sort out those shortbreads, would ye? Alrighty. Rodney?
Rodney: What’s up, man?
Stuart Rankin: Ah, I have a question for ye – are you wearing underwear under that kilt?
Rodney: What? Yeah, of course I’m wearing underwear!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, no, no, no.. you shouldn’t wear underwear under that kilt. A real man doesn’t wear insurance.
Rodney: Yeah, well, a real man doesn’t wear a kilt.
Stuart Rankin: [ chuckling ] Ohhh-ho-ho, oh how very clever! But I don’t know why you’d say something like that, knowing that I might come after you with butchering tools! [ they raise their fists, as Customer #2 enters ] You’re lucky! [ returns to the counter ] Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?
Customer #2: Uh, yeah.. a friend of mine’s Scottish, and he’s getting married, so I gotta buy a kilt.
Stuart Rankin: Well, you’ve come to the right store.
Customer #2: Now, the kilts you have are 100% Scotch kilts, correct?
Stuart Rankin: Well, actually, that’s Scots kilt. Scotch is a drink; Scots are a people. But we’re both great-tasting!
Customer #2: [ smiles uncomfortably ] Alright.. now in Scotland, do men wear kilts all the time?
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye. It’s a very manly garb.
Customer #2: Yeah, but I like it, too! [ laughs ]
Stuart Rankin: Come again?
Customer #2: You know what I’m talking about – [ in funny voice ] ..cartoon stars, clovers!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye.. except, what you’re talking about is Irish.. and I am, in fact, Scottish. Now, GET OUT!! GET OUT, Mr. No Can Tell The Difference Between Scotland And Ireland!! [ Customer #2 flees quickly ] I’ll be in the back!
[ Ronnie Rankin enters the store ]
Rodney: Hi. Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap! Can I help you?
Ronnie Rankin: Does a Mr. Stuart Rankin work here?
Rodney: Uh, yeah, he’s in the back. Who should I say is here?
Ronnie Rankin: Tell him it’s his brother Ronnie from Glasgow.
Rodney: Uh, Stuart, you’re brother’s here!
Stuart Rankin: [ steps out with arms crossed ] What are you wanting?
Ronnie Rankin: Oh, I came to say Sorry.
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye, you’re sorry, are ye, after all these years?
Ronnie Rankin: Are you going to accept my apology, Stuart?
Stuart Rankin: Now, why should I accept the apology of a crazy bastard like YOU, you JERK?!!
[ they raise their fists ]
Ronnie Rankin: Well, just remember this crazy little bastard’s the only brother you’ve got!
Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, that’s not fair.. I love you!
Ronnie Rankin: I love you, you bastard!
Stuart Rankin: I love you, you bastard!
Ronnie Rankin: Come on, let’s have a drink!
Stuart Rankin: Come again?
Ronnie Rankin: Let’s break up a little whiskey, and have a drink.
Stuart Rankin: That’s it, I’ll KILL you!
Rodney: Come on, Stuart, come on, man, he’s your brother, he just wants to have a drink!
Stuart Rankin: Mind your own business, Rodney, you don’t know the whole story! Have a look at this! [ reveals scar across his back ]
Rodney: Oh, man.. that’s a nasty scar, what did he, cut you?
Stuart Rankin: No, it’s a surgery scar. I, uh, gave him one of my kidneys.
Rodney: And?
Stuart Rankin: And.. he drinks like a fish! He’s always piss-steaming drunk! He’s gonna ruin my kidney!
Ronnie Rankin: It’s my kidney now, you bastard!
[ they raise their fists again ]
Stuart Rankin: What if I take it back?!
Ronnie Rankin: What if I smash a brick in your face, you bloody little bugger?
Stuart Rankin: Rodney! Rodney, get my butchering tools, I’m gonna defloor him like a shag pile!
Ronnie Rankin: I hope you’ve got a thirsty mouth, laddie, because this is gonna be a mudbath!
Stuart Rankin: You’re a dead man!
Ronnie Rankin: That’s not a nice way to speak to your only.. brother.
Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, that’s not fair.. I love you!
Ronnie Rankin: I love you!
Stuart Rankin: I love you so much, it hurts!!
Stuart Rankin: I love you! Just like the movie “Ghost”?. Alright.. perhaps you can have a wee taste of Scotch, it’s not gonna hurt my kidney too much.. [ pours some Scotch into two shot glasses ]
Ronnie Rankin: Well, give me a wee bit more Scotch than that..
Stuart Rankin: [ raises fist ] That’s it! That kidney is mine!
Ronnie Rankin: It’s not, you Indian giver, it’s my kidney, and I’ve been looking after it just fine, thank you!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, do you think I’m stupid? I bet by now my kidney’s so abused, it’s starting to look like Sputnik!
Ronnie Rankin: Shut your guff, you wee little girl!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, that’s it! One laser incision in the small of your back, and away we go, Mr. Kidney!
Ronnie Rankin: Oh, yeah? I’ll kick you so hard in the groonies, you’ll be peeing out your mouth!
Stuart Rankin: Well, at least I’ve got groonies!
Ronnie Rankin: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I’ve got a brother!
Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, no fair.. I love you!
Ronnie Rankin: I love you!
Stuart Rankin: I love you!
Ronnie Rankin: I love you!
Stuart Rankin: I love you!
[ Customer #2 enters ]
Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?
Customer #3: Um.. do you have family tartans?
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye, we do, yes. And, what’s your family’s name?
Customer #3: Grotowsky?
Stuart Rankin: Growtowsky? Oh, the Growtowsky tartan.. from the Voyeur Hojets klan of tartans, I suppose? Now, GET OUT!! GET OUT, Mrs. No Can Understand Her Own Ethnic Background!! GET OUT!! [ she runs out ]
Ronnie Rankin: I love you!
Stuart Rankin: I love you! Come on, let’s have a drink now!
[ fade out on Stuart and Ronnie finally having their drink together ]
