All Things Scottish


All Things Scottish

Stuart Rankin…..Mike Myers
Customer #1…..Dana Carvey
Rodney…..Tim Meadows
Customer #2…..Phil Hartman
Ronnie Rankin…..Keifer Sutherland
Customer #3…..Victoria Jackson


[ Customer #1 enters All Things Scottish ]

Stuart Rankin: Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?

Customer #1: Yeah, I’d like a poster of the guy who played Scotty on “Star Trek”, have you got that?

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye. James Doogan, yeah, right there. [ grabs poster ] That’ll be $7.42, please. [ goes to register ] Ah, the machine doesn’t work, I’ll have to pay you back later..

Customer #1: Okay.. sure. [ exits ]

Stuart Rankin: Rodney!! Rodney!! Get out here, and bring some more Scotty posters, would ye?!

Rodney: [ enters from back room ] Man, Stuart, why don’t you chill, man?

Stuart Rankin: Oh.. I’ll chill you in a second! Alright, go and sort out those shortbreads, would ye? Alrighty. Rodney?

Rodney: What’s up, man?

Stuart Rankin: Ah, I have a question for ye – are you wearing underwear under that kilt?

Rodney: What? Yeah, of course I’m wearing underwear!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, no, no, no.. you shouldn’t wear underwear under that kilt. A real man doesn’t wear insurance.

Rodney: Yeah, well, a real man doesn’t wear a kilt.

Stuart Rankin: [ chuckling ] Ohhh-ho-ho, oh how very clever! But I don’t know why you’d say something like that, knowing that I might come after you with butchering tools! [ they raise their fists, as Customer #2 enters ] You’re lucky! [ returns to the counter ] Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?

Customer #2: Uh, yeah.. a friend of mine’s Scottish, and he’s getting married, so I gotta buy a kilt.

Stuart Rankin: Well, you’ve come to the right store.

Customer #2: Now, the kilts you have are 100% Scotch kilts, correct?

Stuart Rankin: Well, actually, that’s Scots kilt. Scotch is a drink; Scots are a people. But we’re both great-tasting!

Customer #2: [ smiles uncomfortably ] Alright.. now in Scotland, do men wear kilts all the time?

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye. It’s a very manly garb.

Customer #2: Yeah, but I like it, too! [ laughs ]

Stuart Rankin: Come again?

Customer #2: You know what I’m talking about – [ in funny voice ] ..cartoon stars, clovers!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye.. except, what you’re talking about is Irish.. and I am, in fact, Scottish. Now, GET OUT!! GET OUT, Mr. No Can Tell The Difference Between Scotland And Ireland!! [ Customer #2 flees quickly ] I’ll be in the back!

[ Ronnie Rankin enters the store ]

Rodney: Hi. Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap! Can I help you?

Ronnie Rankin: Does a Mr. Stuart Rankin work here?

Rodney: Uh, yeah, he’s in the back. Who should I say is here?

Ronnie Rankin: Tell him it’s his brother Ronnie from Glasgow.

Rodney: Uh, Stuart, you’re brother’s here!

Stuart Rankin: [ steps out with arms crossed ] What are you wanting?

Ronnie Rankin: Oh, I came to say Sorry.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye, you’re sorry, are ye, after all these years?

Ronnie Rankin: Are you going to accept my apology, Stuart?

Stuart Rankin: Now, why should I accept the apology of a crazy bastard like YOU, you JERK?!!

[ they raise their fists ]

Ronnie Rankin: Well, just remember this crazy little bastard’s the only brother you’ve got!

Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, that’s not fair.. I love you!

Ronnie Rankin: I love you, you bastard!

Stuart Rankin: I love you, you bastard!

Ronnie Rankin: Come on, let’s have a drink!

Stuart Rankin: Come again?

Ronnie Rankin: Let’s break up a little whiskey, and have a drink.

Stuart Rankin: That’s it, I’ll KILL you!

Rodney: Come on, Stuart, come on, man, he’s your brother, he just wants to have a drink!

Stuart Rankin: Mind your own business, Rodney, you don’t know the whole story! Have a look at this! [ reveals scar across his back ]

Rodney: Oh, man.. that’s a nasty scar, what did he, cut you?

Stuart Rankin: No, it’s a surgery scar. I, uh, gave him one of my kidneys.

Rodney: And?

Stuart Rankin: And.. he drinks like a fish! He’s always piss-steaming drunk! He’s gonna ruin my kidney!

Ronnie Rankin: It’s my kidney now, you bastard!

[ they raise their fists again ]

Stuart Rankin: What if I take it back?!

Ronnie Rankin: What if I smash a brick in your face, you bloody little bugger?

Stuart Rankin: Rodney! Rodney, get my butchering tools, I’m gonna defloor him like a shag pile!

Ronnie Rankin: I hope you’ve got a thirsty mouth, laddie, because this is gonna be a mudbath!

Stuart Rankin: You’re a dead man!

Ronnie Rankin: That’s not a nice way to speak to your only.. brother.

Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, that’s not fair.. I love you!

Ronnie Rankin: I love you!

Stuart Rankin: I love you so much, it hurts!!

Stuart Rankin: I love you! Just like the movie “Ghost”?. Alright.. perhaps you can have a wee taste of Scotch, it’s not gonna hurt my kidney too much.. [ pours some Scotch into two shot glasses ]

Ronnie Rankin: Well, give me a wee bit more Scotch than that..

Stuart Rankin: [ raises fist ] That’s it! That kidney is mine!

Ronnie Rankin: It’s not, you Indian giver, it’s my kidney, and I’ve been looking after it just fine, thank you!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, do you think I’m stupid? I bet by now my kidney’s so abused, it’s starting to look like Sputnik!

Ronnie Rankin: Shut your guff, you wee little girl!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, that’s it! One laser incision in the small of your back, and away we go, Mr. Kidney!

Ronnie Rankin: Oh, yeah? I’ll kick you so hard in the groonies, you’ll be peeing out your mouth!

Stuart Rankin: Well, at least I’ve got groonies!

Ronnie Rankin: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I’ve got a brother!

Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, no fair.. I love you!

Ronnie Rankin: I love you!

Stuart Rankin: I love you!

Ronnie Rankin: I love you!

Stuart Rankin: I love you!

[ Customer #2 enters ]

Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?

Customer #3: Um.. do you have family tartans?

Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye, we do, yes. And, what’s your family’s name?

Customer #3: Grotowsky?

Stuart Rankin: Growtowsky? Oh, the Growtowsky tartan.. from the Voyeur Hojets klan of tartans, I suppose? Now, GET OUT!! GET OUT, Mrs. No Can Understand Her Own Ethnic Background!! GET OUT!! [ she runs out ]

Ronnie Rankin: I love you!

Stuart Rankin: I love you! Come on, let’s have a drink now!

[ fade out on Stuart and Ronnie finally having their drink together ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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