SNL Transcripts: Linda Hamilton: 11/16/91: The Tooncinator



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 6


91f: Linda Hamilton / Mariah Carey

The Tooncinator

Linda Hamilton…..Sarah Connor
Ed Furlong…..John Connor
Terminator…..Phil Hartman

COUNTRY ROAD—EXT.—DAY

SARAH CONNOR’S CAR

Sarah Connor is driving her car, trying to escape the Terminator. Her son John is in the back seat, riding with her.

Sarah Connor: Don’t you ever do that again!

John Connor: But why, Mom?

Sarah Connor: Because you are too important, John Connor!

John Connor: But I had to get you out of there! That man — he was going to sell you a whole series ofTime-Life Books!

Sarah Connor: I wasn’t going to buy all of them! Just the introductory one, on Supernatural Phenomena.

John Connor: But that’s how they hook you!

The Terminator suddenly appears behind the car, runs alongside of it, and gets in the front passenger seat.

John Connor: Hey, it’s the Terminator!

Sarah Connor: (anxious) Not you again! I crushed you, then I melted you! What do I have to do, Cuisinart you?

The Terminator analyzes her remark internally, and concludes: “BAD JOKE”.

Terminator: I have come to protect you. You and your son are in great danger!

John Connor: Did they send another Terminator to get us?

Terminator: Worse than a Terminator. It’s the Tooncinator!

DARK STAGE—INT.—NIGHT

Toonces the Driving Cat is on the stage, dressed as the Terminator, with the trademark black leather coat and sunglasses.

OPENING CREDITS: “THE TOONCINATOR”

SARAH’S CAR

Sarah Connor: So let me get this straight. They sent a cat who can drive a car back through time, to kill us?

Terminator: A robot cat. And he can drive. Just not very well.

Suddenly the Tooncinator, in his own car, runs into the back of Sarah’s car.

John Connor: Look! Mom, it’s the Tooncinator!

The Terminator picks up a hand-held cannon.

Terminator: (to Sarah) You, drive. (to John) You, get down!

The Terminator fires, blowing out the back window. The bullets simply bounce off the Tooncinator.

John Connor: He’s still after us!

The Tooncinator and his car suddenly seem to vanish.

Sarah Connor: Wait, where did he go?

The Tooncinator accidentally drives off a cliff and crashes.

Terminator: I told you. He’s not a good driver.

Sarah Connor: Oh, thank God, he’s gone.

Terminator: He’ll be back.

The Tooncinator and his car suddenly reappear behind Sarah’s car.

John Connor: There he is!

Terminator: (to John) Get down!

The Terminator again fires his cannon. All he manages to do is blow out one of the Tooncinator’s eyes, which quickly repairs itself.

Sarah Connor: (watching her rearview mirror) He’s going over a cliff again.

The Tooncinator again drives over a cliff and crashes.

Sarah Connor: (relieved)It’s over. It’s over. (looking in her rearview mirror) Oh, no! I don’t believe it!

The Tooncinator is back behind them, wearing only his steel skeleton.

John Connor: Now what are we going to do?

Terminator: (suddenly fearful) I don’t know. I’m scared!

Sarah Connor: I’ve got an idea.

Sarah starts to slow down the car.

John Connor: Mom, we’re slowing down!

Terminator: That cat will kill us! It’s not human!

Sarah Connor: Not if my hunch is right.

Sarah stops the car. The Tooncinator, apparently friendly, gets in and takes the wheel.

Sarah Connor: See, he wasn’t trying to kill us after all. He was just trying to catch up to us, to be our kitty.

John Connor: (delighted) Can we keep him, Mom? Please?

Sarah Connor: Well, I don’t see why not.

Terminator: I just wonder if we should let him drive.

Sarah Connor: Well, of course. He’s a very advanced cyborg, with a series of sophisticated—Tooncinator, watch out!

Everyone: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

The Tooncinator takes everyone over the cliff with him.

Jingle: “Toonces, The Driving Cat.”

Submitted by: Victor Magana

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