Studio Alone
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Macauley Culkin
[ open on the cast eating pizza in the conference room ]
Victoria Jackson: Mmm.. this pizza is good.
Dana Carvey: Lorne, the pizza boy needs, uh.. $122.50, plus tips.
Lorne Michaels: For pizza?
Dana Carvey: Lorne, we’ve got 17 people in the cast.
Lorne Michaels: I know. But for pizza?
Macauley Culkin: [ walking forward ] Did anybody order me a plain cheese?
Chris Farley: Yeah, we did. But if you want any, someone’s gonna have to barf it up, ’cause it’s all gone!
[ David Spade strolls past and begins to grab an armful of Pepsi cans ]
Lorne Michaels: Spade! Go easy on those Pepsis.
Chris Farley: [ sticking his finger in his throat in front of Macauley ] Macauley, Macauley! Get a plate! Get a plate!
[ angry, Macauley opens a can of soda, splashing the liquid in Farley’s face. He then pushes Farley into Phil Hartman, causing Farley to stumble onto the table and send it collapsing to the floor. ]
Lorne Michaels: What is the matter with you?!
Macauley Culkin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose!
Phil Hartman: [ showing the Pepsi stains on his shirt ] Look what you did, you little jerk!
Lorne Michaels: Macauley, get to your dressing room, right now!
Macauley Culkin: Why?
David Spade: Macauley, you’re such a disease!
Macauley Culkin: Shut up!
David Spade: You!
Lorne Michaels: [ grabs Macauley’s shoulders ] To your dressing room – let’s go!
Macauley Culkin: Why am I getting treated like scum?
Lorne Michaels: You’re a host. [ pushes Macauley into his dressing room ] Now, I want you to stay in your dressing room until the show starts.
Macauley Culkin: I’m sorry.
Lorne Michaels: Too late.
Macauley Culkin: Everyone in the show hates me!
David Spade: Then maybe you should aks your agent to book you on a different show.
Macauley Culkin: I don’t want to host a different show! I want to do the show alone!
Lorne Michaels: I hope you don’t mean that.
Macauley Culkin: I do!
Lorne Michaels: Then say it again, maybe it’ll happen.
Macauley Culkin: I wish you’d all just disappear! I want to do the show alone!
Lorne Michaels: Well, I think you’d feel pretty sad if it was time for your monologue, and no one else was around. Think about it. [ exits ]
Macauley Culkin: [ angry, sits in front of his dressing room mirror ] I’ll show them. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
