Studio Alone


Studio Alone

…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Macauley Culkin

[ open on the cast eating pizza in the conference room ]

Victoria Jackson: Mmm.. this pizza is good.

Dana Carvey: Lorne, the pizza boy needs, uh.. $122.50, plus tips.

Lorne Michaels: For pizza?

Dana Carvey: Lorne, we’ve got 17 people in the cast.

Lorne Michaels: I know. But for pizza?

Macauley Culkin: [ walking forward ] Did anybody order me a plain cheese?

Chris Farley: Yeah, we did. But if you want any, someone’s gonna have to barf it up, ’cause it’s all gone!

[ David Spade strolls past and begins to grab an armful of Pepsi cans ]

Lorne Michaels: Spade! Go easy on those Pepsis.

Chris Farley: [ sticking his finger in his throat in front of Macauley ] Macauley, Macauley! Get a plate! Get a plate!

[ angry, Macauley opens a can of soda, splashing the liquid in Farley’s face. He then pushes Farley into Phil Hartman, causing Farley to stumble onto the table and send it collapsing to the floor. ]

Lorne Michaels: What is the matter with you?!

Macauley Culkin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose!

Phil Hartman: [ showing the Pepsi stains on his shirt ] Look what you did, you little jerk!

Lorne Michaels: Macauley, get to your dressing room, right now!

Macauley Culkin: Why?

David Spade: Macauley, you’re such a disease!

Macauley Culkin: Shut up!

David Spade: You!

Lorne Michaels: [ grabs Macauley’s shoulders ] To your dressing room – let’s go!

Macauley Culkin: Why am I getting treated like scum?

Lorne Michaels: You’re a host. [ pushes Macauley into his dressing room ] Now, I want you to stay in your dressing room until the show starts.

Macauley Culkin: I’m sorry.

Lorne Michaels: Too late.

Macauley Culkin: Everyone in the show hates me!

David Spade: Then maybe you should aks your agent to book you on a different show.

Macauley Culkin: I don’t want to host a different show! I want to do the show alone!

Lorne Michaels: I hope you don’t mean that.

Macauley Culkin: I do!

Lorne Michaels: Then say it again, maybe it’ll happen.

Macauley Culkin: I wish you’d all just disappear! I want to do the show alone!

Lorne Michaels: Well, I think you’d feel pretty sad if it was time for your monologue, and no one else was around. Think about it. [ exits ]

Macauley Culkin: [ angry, sits in front of his dressing room mirror ] I’ll show them. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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