Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer


Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Judge…..Siobhan Fallon
Cirroc…..Phil Hartman
Jury Foreman…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “One hundred thousand years ago, a cavemanwas out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse.In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then wentto law school and became.. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Jingle: “He used to be a caveman,
but now he’s a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!”

Announcer: Brought to you by.. Gas Plus – actually gives you gas, forthose times when you feel like being the joker; and by National Escort Services -if we don’t get a prostitute to your door in 15 minutes, you don’t pay; andby Happy Fun Ball – still legal in 16 states – it’s legal, it’s fun, it’sHappy Fun Ball! And now, tonight’s episode of “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

[ open on interior, courtroom, the Judge banging her gavel ]

Judge: Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?

Cirroc: [ stepping out] It’s just “Cirroc”, your Honor..and, yes, I’m ready. [ approaches the jury box ] Ladies and gentlemen ofthe jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed outby some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimesthe honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and runoff into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my faxmachine, I wonder: “Did little demons get inside and type it?” I don’t know!My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But there is one thing Ido know – when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk infront of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than twomillion in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages.Thank you.

Judge: The jury will now retire to deliberate.

Jury Foreman: [ standing ] Your Honor.. we don’t need to retire.Cirroc’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We give himthe full amount.

[ the jury applauds Cirroc ]

Judge: Did you hear that, Mr. Cirroc?

Cirroc: [ cell phone to his ear ] Hang on a second.. [ to the judge ]I-I’m sorry, your Honor. I was listening to the magic voices coming outof this strange modern invention! [ smiles maliciously to the camera ]

Announcer: This has been “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”. Join us nextweek for another episode. Here’s a scene.

[ cut to Cirroc and his caveman family standing before a podium at apolitical rally ]

Cirroc: Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! First of all,let me say how happy I am to be your nominee for the United States Senate![ applause ] You know.. thank you.. I don’t really understand yourCongress, or your system of checks and balances.. because, asI said during the campaign – I’m just a caveman! I fell on some ice, andlater got thawed out by scientists. But there is one thing I doknow – we must do everything in our power to lower the Capitol Gains Tax.Thank you!

Announcer: Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

SNL Transcripts


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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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