Macauley Culkin’s Monologue

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Macauley Culkin’s Monologue

…..Rob Schneider
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Macauley Culkin
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Julia Sweeney
…..Chris Farley
…..Phil Hartman
…..Mike Myers


[ Macauley enters the stage for his monologue, but discovers the entire studio is empty. He peers into an abandoned camera, then walks around the stage. ]

Macauley Culkin: Lorne? [ looks around ] [ cut to footage of an airplane leaving the runway ] [ dissolve to interior, First Class, Lorne Michaels seated with Rob Schneider ]

Rob Schneider: I’ve gotta hand it to you, Lorne – it’s a great idea doing the show in Paris!

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, it’ll be be a smash.

Rob Schneider: Still.. I feel like a heel riding up in First Class, with the rest of the cast in Coach.

Lorne Michaels: Nonsense, they’re having the time of their lives. Besides, the Richmeister’s gonnas be a smash in Paris. I hope we didn’t forget anything.

[ cut back to Macauley wandering alone through the Control Room ]

Macauley Culkin: Hello-o-o? Dana? Victoria? Julia? Is this a joke? Hello-o? Kevin? Farley? I made them all disappear.. [ smiles happily ] I made them all disappear!

[ quick videos show Macauley playing throughout the studio ] [ he dresses up in a cowboy costume he finds in the Wardrobe Dept. ] [ in Props, he finds a few prop guns, firing one playfully at the cutout of Schwarzenegger used in the Hans & Franz sketches ]

[ in Make-Up, he discovers an old Coneheads wig, which he affixes to his head ] [ plays guitar on the Band Stage, still wearing the Conehead head ] [ back in Make-Up, he peels off the sideburns to the Conehead costume, causing him to slap his hands to his face and scream with a resounding echo ] [ cut back to the Airplane, Lorne worrying about something ]

Rob Schneider: What’s the matter?

Lorne Michaels: I have this terrible feeling I forgot someone. You seen Spade?

Rob Schneider: Yeah. Remember he came up here and asked if we were using our headsets?

Lorne Michaels: Right.. right.. Victoria did the head count, right?

Rob Schneider: Yep. Nothing to worry about.

Lorne Michaels: Hmm.. What else could we be forgetting? [ panic spreads onto his face ] The HOST!!

[ back in the SNL Control Room, Macauley is playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on all the monitors ] [ cut back to the Airplane ]

Lorne Michaels: How could I do this..?

Kevin Nealon: We were in a hurry, Lorne.

Victoria Jackson: It’s my fault, I counted wrong.

Lorne Michaels: What kind of producer am I?

Rob Schneider: Lorne, you’re a wonderful producer!

Lorne Michaels: Really?

Julia Sweeney: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my Pat costume.

Lorne Michaels: What are we gonna do? We don’t get to Paris for hours! [ pauses ] Wait a minute.. I’m Lorne Michaels. Stewardess! Tell the pilot to turn this plane around!

[ video footage shows the plane take a 180 in the sky and head back to New York ] [ back in his dressing room, Macauley stares longingly at a framed photo of Lorne on the wall ] [ in the hall, the elevator doors open, as Lorne frantically runs out ]

Lorne Michaels: Macauley! Macauley! Macauley! Macauley! [ enters dressing room ] Macauley.. Oh, Macauley, I am so sorry.

[ Macauley runs into Lorne’ arms for a hug, as other castmembers excitedly run into the room ]

Chris Farley: Hey, I’m sorry I ate your pizza, buddy!

Macauley Culkin: It’s okay, Chris.

Phil Hartman: And I’m sorry I called you a “little jerk”.

Macauley Culkin: That’s okay, Phil. I guess sometimes I can be a little jerk!

Mike Myers: And I’m sorry I haven’t been in this sketch until now!

Macauley Culkin: That’s okay, Mike.

Lorne Michaels: Hey, Macauley, don’t you have a monologue to do?

Macauley Culkin: You mean..?

Lorne Michaels: That’s right! We brought an audience from the airport.

Macauley Culkin: Wow!

Lorne Michaels: So, go ahead – knock ’em dead!

Macauley Culkin: Alright!

[ end of opening montage plays ]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Macauley Culkin!

Macauley Culkin: Thank you! Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Our musical guest tonight is Tin Machine.. with David Bowie. We’re gonna have a great time, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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