Macauley Culkin’s Monologue


Macauley Culkin’s Monologue

…..Rob Schneider
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Macauley Culkin
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Julia Sweeney
…..Chris Farley
…..Phil Hartman
…..Mike Myers


[ Macauley enters the stage for his monologue, but discovers the entire studio is empty. He peers into an abandoned camera, then walks around the stage. ]

Macauley Culkin: Lorne? [ looks around ] [ cut to footage of an airplane leaving the runway ] [ dissolve to interior, First Class, Lorne Michaels seated with Rob Schneider ]

Rob Schneider: I’ve gotta hand it to you, Lorne – it’s a great idea doing the show in Paris!

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, it’ll be be a smash.

Rob Schneider: Still.. I feel like a heel riding up in First Class, with the rest of the cast in Coach.

Lorne Michaels: Nonsense, they’re having the time of their lives. Besides, the Richmeister’s gonnas be a smash in Paris. I hope we didn’t forget anything.

[ cut back to Macauley wandering alone through the Control Room ]

Macauley Culkin: Hello-o-o? Dana? Victoria? Julia? Is this a joke? Hello-o? Kevin? Farley? I made them all disappear.. [ smiles happily ] I made them all disappear!

[ quick videos show Macauley playing throughout the studio ] [ he dresses up in a cowboy costume he finds in the Wardrobe Dept. ] [ in Props, he finds a few prop guns, firing one playfully at the cutout of Schwarzenegger used in the Hans & Franz sketches ]

[ in Make-Up, he discovers an old Coneheads wig, which he affixes to his head ] [ plays guitar on the Band Stage, still wearing the Conehead head ] [ back in Make-Up, he peels off the sideburns to the Conehead costume, causing him to slap his hands to his face and scream with a resounding echo ] [ cut back to the Airplane, Lorne worrying about something ]

Rob Schneider: What’s the matter?

Lorne Michaels: I have this terrible feeling I forgot someone. You seen Spade?

Rob Schneider: Yeah. Remember he came up here and asked if we were using our headsets?

Lorne Michaels: Right.. right.. Victoria did the head count, right?

Rob Schneider: Yep. Nothing to worry about.

Lorne Michaels: Hmm.. What else could we be forgetting? [ panic spreads onto his face ] The HOST!!

[ back in the SNL Control Room, Macauley is playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on all the monitors ] [ cut back to the Airplane ]

Lorne Michaels: How could I do this..?

Kevin Nealon: We were in a hurry, Lorne.

Victoria Jackson: It’s my fault, I counted wrong.

Lorne Michaels: What kind of producer am I?

Rob Schneider: Lorne, you’re a wonderful producer!

Lorne Michaels: Really?

Julia Sweeney: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my Pat costume.

Lorne Michaels: What are we gonna do? We don’t get to Paris for hours! [ pauses ] Wait a minute.. I’m Lorne Michaels. Stewardess! Tell the pilot to turn this plane around!

[ video footage shows the plane take a 180 in the sky and head back to New York ] [ back in his dressing room, Macauley stares longingly at a framed photo of Lorne on the wall ] [ in the hall, the elevator doors open, as Lorne frantically runs out ]

Lorne Michaels: Macauley! Macauley! Macauley! Macauley! [ enters dressing room ] Macauley.. Oh, Macauley, I am so sorry.

[ Macauley runs into Lorne’ arms for a hug, as other castmembers excitedly run into the room ]

Chris Farley: Hey, I’m sorry I ate your pizza, buddy!

Macauley Culkin: It’s okay, Chris.

Phil Hartman: And I’m sorry I called you a “little jerk”.

Macauley Culkin: That’s okay, Phil. I guess sometimes I can be a little jerk!

Mike Myers: And I’m sorry I haven’t been in this sketch until now!

Macauley Culkin: That’s okay, Mike.

Lorne Michaels: Hey, Macauley, don’t you have a monologue to do?

Macauley Culkin: You mean..?

Lorne Michaels: That’s right! We brought an audience from the airport.

Macauley Culkin: Wow!

Lorne Michaels: So, go ahead – knock ’em dead!

Macauley Culkin: Alright!

[ end of opening montage plays ]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Macauley Culkin!

Macauley Culkin: Thank you! Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Our musical guest tonight is Tin Machine.. with David Bowie. We’re gonna have a great time, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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