Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Randy…..Kevin Nealon
Steve…..Phil Hartman
Young Richmeister…..MaCauley Culkin
Sister Margaret…..Siobhan Fallon

[ Randy enters the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: Ran-dyyy! The Rand-man! Randatollah!

Randy: Hi, Richard. Just making some copies.

Richmeister: Alright! The Rand Old Opry, makin’ copies!

Randy: It’s nice to see you, too, Richard.

Richmeister: The Randster! Randomly selected for yourlistening pleasure!

Randy: That’s a new one. I like that one.

Richmeister: Ran-dyy! Likin’ the new one! The Great Randino-o-o-o!

Randy: Now, that one I’ve heard before. [ exits ]

Richmeister: The Randipulator. Doesn’t realize how hard it iscoming up with new names. The Complain-meister! [ Steve enters ] TheSteve-inator!

Steve: Rich! The Richmeister!

Richmeister: Second Lieutenant Steve, of the 82nd Airborne Division!

Steve: [ laughing ] What??

Richmeister: Ste-e-eve!

Steve: Hey, Rich, I’ve got to ask you something. This has beenbothering me for a long time.. I mean.. have you always been this way, youknow, with the “Name Thing”? [ The Richmeister stares into space, wondering ]Rich? Where you going, buddy?

Richmeister: The Rich-man, about to have a flashback! El backo de flasho!

[ The Richmeister drifts off, as the scene fades into a flashback of his childhood, sitting at his desk in the back of the Catholic school classroom ]

Young Richmeister: Tim-my! The Tim-meister! Sharpenin’ his pencil!

Timmy: [ sharpening his pencil ] Hey, Rich. I’m out of lead.

Young Richmeister: No lead for the Tim Man! Tim-o-rama!

Timmy: See ya, Rich. [ walks back to his desk ]

Young Richmeister: Ti-i-im! [ Cindy approaches the pencil sharpener ]Alright! Cindy! The Cindstress!

Cindy: Hi, Rich.

Young Richmeister: Cindereta Cindita! The Class Babe! Makin’ herpencils sharp! Sharpatollah! [ Cindy returns to her desk, as Froggyapproaches the pencil sharpener ] Froggy! The Frogginator! The Guy withthe Warts!

Froggy: Leave me alone.

Young Richmeister: Frogman! The Guy Who Likes to Eat the Paste!Frog-o-rama!

Froggy: [ annoyed ] Shut.. up!

Young Richmeister: Froggy, gettin’ mad! Froggarino!

[ Froggy returns to his desk ]

Sister Margaret: Now, Class, remember we were discussing the Battleof Bunker Hill. Now, it was George Washington’s belief that if hecould..

Young Richmeister: [ interrupting ] George! George of the Jungle!

Sister Margaret: [ angry ] Richard!

Young Richmeister: Baron George van Washeimer!

Sister Margaret: Okay, Richard Laymer, maybe you would liketo tell us what George Washington beleived he could achieve at the Battle ofBunker Hill?

Young Richmeister: Alright! Sister Margaret, askin’ me questions!

Sister Margaret: [ stern ] We’re all waiting.

Young Richmeister: The Nunster! Nun-o-rama! Nu-u-un!

Sister Margaret: [ grabs a ruler and walks toward Richard’s desk ]Give me your hand.

Young Richmeister: The Young Rich-man sincerely apologizes!

Sister Margaret: [ towering over Young Richmeister ] I said give meyour hand!

Young Richmeister: Be assured, no more talkin’ from the Rich-man!Promisita to the Nunnita! [ Young Richmeister realizes his fate isinevitable ] Oh, no! Disaster for the Rich-man! [ close-up of YoungRichmeister’s face as Sister Margaret swats his hand with the ruler ]Auugghhhh…!!

[ flashback fades back into the modern-day Richmeister, still screaming ]

Richmeister: ..Aauugghhhh..!!

Steve: Rich! Rich, it’s alright! You’re okay!

Richmeister: [ coming out of it ] Steve?!

Steve: Yeah, you were daydreaming.

Richmeister: [ dazed ] Steve-o?

Steve: Yeah. You were mumbling something about Baron vonGeorge Washheimer?

Richmeister: The Stevester!

Steve: [ quickly looks at his watch ] Oh, hey, Rich.. I gotto go pick up my kid at St. Catherine’s. [ darts out of the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: St Catherine’s! [ remembers his flashback, and panics ]Ste-e-e-e-eve!!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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