Scalder & Son


Scalder & Son

Scalder…..Chris Farley
Son…..Macauley Culkin
Rock Thrower…..Adam Sandler
Archer…..Dana Carvey
Archer’s Son…..Culkin

[ open on a Medieval castle during a crusade ] [ dissolve to Scalder and Son pouring hot oil from the top of the castle ]

Scalder: You see, Son, that’s how we do it!

Son: Wow! We really scolded those guys!

Scalder: Well, that’s my job. I’m a scalder. And, maybe some day, you’ll be one, too!

Son: Really, Dad!

Scalder: Su-ure. You’ll have your own cauldron, your own bellow, maybe your own hunchbacked assistant.

Son: Wow!

Scalder: But, it’s not as easy as it looks – a lot of hard work, a lot of study. You’ve got to know your differnet oils, your different molten metals. You’d be surprised at how many different things you can heat up and pour on people.

Son: Timmy said his dad’s more important.

Scalder: Well.. what does Timmy’s dad do?

Son: He’s a torturer.

Scalder: Well, torturing is important. But, the main thing is that you do your job well. Someday you may grow up to be a torturer.. or a scalder.. or maybe you just want to throw rocks down on people. I just want you to be happy.

[ a Rock Thrower preps himself up against the side of the castle as he throws down a rock ]

I wouldn’t do that.. [ Rock Thrower continues ] You.. you shouldn’t stand up there, and let me tell you why. You see the guys down there with the bows and.. [ Rock Thrower is shot with an arrow, and falls to the ground ] ..arrows..? [ to Son ] You see, that’s why you gotta listen! When I first starting scalding, I thought I knew everything. Then, in my first battle, I spilled molten lead all over your grandfather’s leg. [ chuckles ]

Son: What happened?

Scalder: He died.. very angry at me. I learned something.

Son: [ points down ] Look, Dad! They’re climbing up the wall again! Shouldn’t we pour?

Scalder: Not yet. The secret of good scalding is knowing when not to scald.

Son: But they’re climbing up the wall!

Scalder: That’s alright, let ’em come.. Here comes some more of their friends.. Now, we pour!

[ they dump the hot oil onto the crowd below ]

Son: Boy, Dad, you were right! You must be the best scalder in the world!

Scalder: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know.. [ suddenly, he’s shot by an arrow ] [ cut to an Archer and his Son standing at the base of the castle ]

Archer: You see, Son, that’s how it’s done! It’s about 90% patience.

Archer’s Son: Gosh, Dad, you must be the bet archer in the whole world!

Archer: [ laughs ] Well, I son’t know about that, I..

[ suddenly, another pot of hot oil is dropped on them, as they hotfoot it out of the scene to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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