Bill Swerski’s Superfans
Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Carl Wollarski…..Robert Smigel
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Tommy Arnold…..Macauley Culkin
Denise Swerski…..Beth Cahill
Todd’s Wife…..Chris Farley
[ show opens at Ditka’s Restaurant, Chicago ]
Bob Swerski: Hello, my friends, and welcome to another edition of “Bill Swerski’s Superfans”. I’m Bob Swerski, and I want to thank everyone for sending those cards to my brother Bill, who recently had another heart attack. We are coming to you live from Ditka’s, here on Thanksgiving Day, a day for giving thanks, or taking punishment from, a team that is known as Da Bears!
Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: With me as always are the Superfans. Gentlemen, how was your week? Any heart attacks?
Carl Wollarski: I had one.
Todd O’Conner: Had a couple.
Bob Swerski: Alright. Now, as you can tell, we’re celebrating Thanksgiving here at Ditka’s, rather than in our homes. But it’s okay, our families understand.
Pat Arnold: Absolutely!
Bob Swerski: This year the Bears are playing, and Ditka’s has a 12-foot screen.
Todd O’Conner: There’s really no other place to be.
Bob Swerski: Alright, we’re getting ready to watch the Bears annihilate the Detroit Lions, but first, it’s a good time to reflect on our glorious heritage. And here to help us out with their annual presentation, is the sixth graders over at St. Ignatius, led by Tommy Arnold, nephew of our own Pat Arnold.[ dissolve to the sixth grade class presentation ]
Pilgrim (Tommy Arnold): Look at the bountiful meal the Indians have prepared for us! Pork chops, strip steak, kelbasa, baby back ribs with garlic butter, and a side of home fries.
Indian: We welcome you to this great land, and look forward to the many games Da Bears will be playing 300 years from now.
Pilgrim: Indian, you are so wise. Please smoke on your peacepipe and tell us the future.
Indian: Bears 96, Lions 14.
Pilgrim: It’s not gonna be that close!
Indian: That’s the halftime score, my friend.[ dissolve back to the Superfans cheering ]
Bob Swerski: Good job. Very entertaining. But it was not without a serious message – on Thanksgivng, gentlemen, it’s important to remember that there are places, other places, in this world that do not have the things that we have and take for granted. For example – Indianapolis. The Colts. They’re terrible!
Pat Arnold: With a really bad coach.
Carl Wollarski: It really makes you want to shed da tears.
Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da tears!
Todd O’Conner: [ starts choking on something ]
Bob Swerski: You okay, Todd?
Pat Arnold: Hey, hey, hey, he’s having a heart attack!
Todd O’Conner: [ in garbled speech, yells, “I’m choking!” ]
Carl Wollarski: He’s choking, he’s choking! I got ‘im! [ stands to apply the Heimlich on Todd ]
Todd O’Conner: [ coughs out a full piece of pork chop ]
Bob Swerski: Excellent work, good job, Carl! Todd, you gotta remember to chew those pork chops, buddy. Now, relax, it’s the holidays.
Todd O’Conner: I hear ya!
Bob Swerski: Alright. Now, gentlemen, if you’ll indulge me a bit, I’ve got some family here, myself. Like Da Bears, she’s a winner – the current Miss Southside of Chicago, my daughter, Denise Swerski.
Denise Swerski: [ walks out with a plate of food ] Hey, what’s up! Hey, Dad! Brought you this seven-layer salad from home!
Bob Swerski: Thank you, darling.
Denise Swerski: Just a few more minutes before Da Bears start kicking some ass, huh?
Bob Swerski: Some girl, huh, guys?
Carl Wollarski: The girl’s got spunk.
Pat Arnold: You know, she’s got a real Mrs. Ditka quality.
Todd O’Conner: Hey, Denise! Look how many chops I polished off! Take a gander! [ holds up his plate ]
Denise Swerski: [ impressed ] That’s a lot of chops!
Todd O’Conner: Ah, there’s more where that came from!
Pat Arnold: Hey, hey, Denise.. [ stands ] Check out this scar! [ pulls up shirt to reveal scar ] [ Music sting ]
Denise Swerski: Wow..
Pat Arnold: Yeah, I got it at a tailgate party. We were roasting a big pig on a spit, and I got punctured. But I didn’t miss the kickoff!
Denise Swerski: That’s something!
Carl Wollarski: Hey, Denise.. [ stands ] Look at this! [ pulls up his shirt ] [ Music sting ]
Broad Street, 1986, after the Superbowl. I was kicked by a cop’s horse, trying to pin a Ditka button on him.
Todd O’Conner: Oh, yeah..? [ stands ] Check out this! [ pulls up shirt ] [ Music sting ]
Snack bar, Lambough Field, I was scalded by the cheese of a flaming hot nacho.
Denise Swerski: Now, that’s.. my kinda guy..
Todd O’Conner: Maybe you’d like to come here and back that up!
Bob Swerski: Hey, hey, hey, Todd.. easy, pal.. come on, that’s my daughter, huh?! Hey! Don’t make me go over there and inflict some damage Butkus-style!
Todd O’Conner: Hey, she’s a grown-up woman! [ starts making out with Denise ]
Carl Wollarski: Hey, Todd, Todd.. Todd.. come on! [ knocks Todd’s cap off ] You got a wife at home! Think about that![ Todd drifts into thoughts of his wife at home in the kitchen ]
Todd’s Wife: Your knockwerst is almost ready, Todd, so that you can fully enjoy tuning in to Da Bears. I’m sure they’re gonna kick ass, darling! They’re Da best! But you know something – you’re My Ditka! My Ditka! My Ditka! My Ditka..![ Todd drifts out of his thoughts ]
Todd O’Conner: [ bawling ] I’m her Ditka..! I’m her Ditka..!
Denise Swerski: What?
Todd O’Conner: I’m sorry, Denise, it’s not gonna work out. Let’s just say I’m a very lucky man.
Denise Swerski: Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me!
Todd O’Conner: Well, that’s good to know!
Bob Swerski: Alright, you two, enough, okay? We’re all very lucky here, and that’s the real message of this holiday season. So let’s all join in the Thanksgiving prayer.
Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da prayer!
Bob Swerski: We thank Ditka, and God, for all they have provided, for the food we eat, the air we breathe, and for the domination enjoyed by a certain team, from a certain town…
Todd O’Conner: Hey, hey, hey, hey, the game’s starting.
Bob Swerski: Alright, alright, we’ll get back to that during a commercial. Enjoy the game, folks![ Closing Theme music pots out ] [ fade out ]