Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Kevin Nealon: [ telling joke to pair of Union workers ] The bartender tells Jerry Brown, “Forget about them, because they’re both lesbians.” Right.. [ sees the cameras ] Later, later! [ Union Workers leave ] Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a dysfunctional codependent.
Well, this week, Gov. Cuomo publicly criticized Dan Quayle for calling him “Mario”, in an effort to emphasize his Italian heritage. A spokesman for Quayle denied the charge, and, hereafter, the governor will be referred to as “Captain Calzone”.
While playing golf last weekend, President Bush told reporters that the recession is over and the economy’s in fine shape. He then proceeded to tee off, losing his ball in a group of homeless people camped out next to the fairway.
Kevin Nealon: President Bush’s approval rating on his handling on the economy reached a two-year low this week. Here with her commentary on Bush and the economy, is “Weekend Update” Washington correspondent, Victoria Jackson. Victoria?
Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Kevin! Well, the Cold War is over, and the Japanese won. That’s the sad truth, only George Bush doesn’t seem to know it. We’re not in a recession, he says! Well, tell that to the people of Pennsylvania, Mr. Bush. And while you’re at it, tell it to Dick Thornberg. The tragic fact is, there may be nothing we can do to rescue our economy. Cut taxes, some say; stimulate the economy to raise revenue and balance the budget. Gee! When did Victoria Jackson here that before? 1981? Do you know that every tax dollar raised west of the Missisippi is used to pay the interest – yes, the interest – of the national debt! In eighth grade geometry, we learned that parallel lines do not intersect. Well, when Victoria Jackson lies awake at night, pondering this deficit moreas, I don’t see parallel lines – I see lines going further and further apart, stretching into the future with no end in sight, and frankly, it frightens me. As I sit here delivering this commentary to an American audience in a building owned by the Japanese, I am afraid! Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: [ amazed ] Wow! That’s pessimistic!
Victoria Jackson: Thank you!
Kevin Nealon: What about the peace dividend?
Victoria Jackson: Huh?
Kevin Nealon: Well, isn’t it possible that the end of the Cold War might free up the kind of resources that could reverse these trends?
Victoria Jackson: I.. don’t really know..
Kevin Nealon: In a sense, the fall of the Soviet Empire came at just the right time?
Victoria Jackson: Um.. I didn’t write this.. a writer wrote it.. [ pouting ] I just want people to think I’m smart.
Kevin Nealon: Oh, we do, Victoria. We think you’re smart.
Victoria Jackson: No, you don’t. Don’t patronize me – whatever that means.
Kevin Nealon: Vicoria, we think you’re smart.
Victoria Jackson: Really?
Kevin Nealon: Honest.
Victoria Jackson: [ to the audience ] Do you? [ wild applause ] Yeah!
Kevin Nealon: Victoria Jackson! She’s smart. Just not very bright.
During an appearance on “This Week with David Brinkley”, Dan Quayle said that he’s not bothered by all the jokes about him on television – unless his wife or kids explain what they mean, and then he gets pretty PO’ed.
After his huge defeat in last Saturday’s election, David Duke told his supporters that the Louisiana vote was “only the beginning”. So, apparently, voters can look forward to trouncing Duke in many more elections to come.
David Duke also went on to claim that he only lost the election because his name sounds so much like “Dukakis”.
Two Biblical scholars broke a decade-long monopoly over control of the Dead Sea Scrolls, and said the final 20% of the ancient documents will finally be published. We have an advance copy of the book here, it sells for $19.95. In it, Moses actually claims that he, too, slept with over 20,000 women.
McDonald’s is teaming up with Turner Broadcasting to develop an original programming service for the restaurant. The programs will use Turners’ colorizing technology to give McDonald’s hamburger patties a natural brown look, instead of the usual grey.
Kevin Nealon: Well, Thanksgiving is next Thursday, and, now, here to talk about it is “Weekend Update”‘s Adam Sandler. Adam?
Adam Sandler: Thanks, Kevin! Well, Thanksgiving dinner has always been a big deal in my house. And, every year, I try to make it home to celebrate with the family. But this year, due to my busy schedule, I can’t make it. So, right now, I’m gonna ask my dad to put a cassette in the VCR so he can record this, and then he can put the TV in my usual place at the dinner table and play it back at Thanksgiving, to recreate the illusion that I’m dining with the family.
Okay. Get ready, Dad. [ reaches below the desk, then pulls up a trayful of food ] Press Record now.[ starts eating, silently ] This is good, Ma! Really good! It’s.. not a Butterball? I couldn’t tell. It’s really juicy. No.. no thanks.. I don’t want any more. No, seriously, no more.. I got no more room.. Ma! Put the turkey down.. put it down.. Dammit! Will you give it a rest! What, Dad? I didn’t do anything, I just didn’t want anymore! Oh, yeah, I’m deliberately trying to hurt Mom, right! Oh, there he goes again! Dad, that was ten years ago! I said I was sorry, the only one who still brings it up is YOU!! Okay, Dad, you know everything! Wha? Yeah? [ grabs his knife and holds it up ] Well, come on over here, old man! You want some of this?!! Bring it on!! I’d love it!! Right! Yeah! You’d BETTER sit down!! The tables are turning, man! [weeping ] I ain’t afraid of you no more! You guys just don’t understand! NO, NO, NO, NO!! [ flips his tray over the desk ] Stop treating me like a two-year-old!! [ breaks down in tears ]
Kevin Nealon: [ addressing the camera ] Uh.. Mr. Sandler, maybe you should press Stop on the VCR. Have a happy Thanksgiving.
Adam Sandler: [ screaming ] I’m queer!
Kevin Nealon: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler!
Well, a woman suffering cardiac arrest was resuscitated by a group of rich teenagers Wednesday, when, instead of dialing 911, she accidentally dialed 90210.
And, after a nine-year run on Broadway, the cast of “Cats” was finally neutered this week.
A 29-year-old woman is the first person ever nabbed on using body cavities to sneak currency out of the country. According to U.S. Customs service, balloons containing $6,500 were in her stomach, and seven balloons filled with $3,500 were found in certain other parts of her anatomy. She was held in custody for three hours, during which time she served as a Citibank cash machine.
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.