U.S. Fon


U.S. Fon

Barbara Gardner…..Julia Sweeney
Tom Claymore…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Barbara Gardner seated next to the phone in her living room – phone rings ]

Barbara Gardner: [ answers ] Hello?

[ interchange to Tom Claymore calling from a seedy motel ]

Tom Claymore: Yes.. hello.. [ reading from phone book ] Mrs. Barbara Gardner, of 1724 Meadowview Terrace?

Barbara Gardner: Yes?

Tom Claymore: I’m Tom Claymore, of Bonanza Resorts International.. I’m calling to congratulate you, you’ve won a 10-day, all expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas!

Barbara Gardner: I don’t remember registering for any trip.

Tom Claymore: Oh.. you’re automatically reigstered! Your name has been selected from a list of preferred customers!

Barbara Gardner: I’m not sure I understand…

Tom Claymore: Well, all I need is a credit card number, to confirm your identification, so you can claim your winnings. Any credit card number will do.

Barbara Gardner: Maybe you’d better give me your phone number first.

Tom Claymore: Oh, that won’t be necessary!

Barbara Gardner: You’re right. I already have it. [ looks at Caller ID] It’s 555-7213. Right?

Tom Claymore: [ freezes, as Barbara hangs up on him ] Boy.. she’s got my number.. now I’m gonna have to kill her..

Announcer: At U.S. Fon, we don’t have Caller ID. Maybe we’re the right choice.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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