SNL Transcripts: Hammer: 12/07/91: Dick Clark Productions


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Dick Clark Productions

Receptionist…..David Spade
Kenneth Hornaday….. Phil Hartman
Cleaning Lady…..Ellen Cleghorne
Kremlok…..Dana Carvey

[Screen reads ‘Los Angeles: The Offices of Dick Clark Productions’]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

Receptionist: And you are?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday.

Receptionist: Right and this is regarding…

Kenneth Hornaday: Yes I’m with Bradford Contracting, I have some blueprints of Dick’s new bedroom and he wanted to take a look at em.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you have an appointment or you…

Kenneth Hornaday: Well no he just said to come by today.

Receptionist: Ok great if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: Well actually I have another meeting, you know how long-

Receptionist: You know he’s so backed up, it might be a while, you understand, it’s crazy today.Kenneth Hornaday: Really? But it’s only 9 AM.

Receptionist: I know, if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: But you’ve only been open for a minute.

Receptionist: I know, [speaking softer] if you could just have a seat, thanks. [Hornaday sits down] Eh eh eh eh eh, hi there, hi. [Hammer tries to walk into offices]

Hammer: Yeah I’m here to see Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Hammer: Tell him it’s Hammer.

Receptionist: Right, and this is regarding…

Hammer: He’s doin the American Music Awards and he wants me to be a part of it.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and he would know you because you…

Hammer: You know, Hammer, Hammer Time?

Receptionist: Hammer Time, is that a TV show or something? I don’t really…

Hammer: Look I’m a rapper and actually I’m pretty well known. You know you might have heard my song. [starts to sing] Doom doom doom, bu du d- du can’t touch this. Doom doom doom doom doom.

Receptionist: I’m sorry I don’t really listen to much music, more of a reader. I’m sure you’re very gifted. If you could just have a seat. Can I just get your last name, I’m not sure Hammer would ring a bell.

Hammer: Look it’s Hammer, you know, like Madonna!

Receptionist: Right and she is?…

Hammer: Your momma! Nevermind, forget it. [Hammer sits down]

Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and take your foot off that [pedestal]? Thanks. You know staring at me like that isn’t gonna get you in any faster. [Hornaday eyes Hammer as if receptionist is psycho] [Spanish woman walks in]

Receptionist: Yes.

Cleaning Lady: Por favore, ciro traval cacina.

Receptionist: Eu steres…

Cleaning Lady: Magiama Rosa.

Receptionist: E es regardandoro…

Cleaning Lady: E es carncario cay come avala antubra.

Receptionist: Ci, ci, por favore tofo no sitro.

Cleaning Lady: Perche.

Receptionist: Tofo no citro, gracias. [Spanish woman sits down]

Kremlok: [enters, speaking in Alien voice] I must communicate with Earthling Richard Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Kremlock from Planet Orton 5.

Receptionist: Right and this is regarding…

Kremlok: The end of humanity.

Receptionist: And you’re on Earth because you…

Kremlok: Must tell Dick Clark to go on television airwaves to warn people of this planet of imminent doom and destruction.

Receptionist: Right, and you were referred to us by…

Kremlok: ‘Meglar the all knowing’. I must warn all humans that because of your warlike ways, you will be punished when a fleet of star cruisers representing-

Receptionist: Ok, shhh, shhh, got it, enough, thank you, too much. I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna put ‘regarding warlike ways’ ok? And when you see him you can elaborate if you could just take a seat it’ll be a minute.

Kremlok: This is urgent.

Receptionist: Well there’s 3 people in front of you, if you can work it out with them, fine, if not, just be patient, thanks. [Kremlock exits reception room]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hey is he [Kremlock] even here?

Receptionist: I’m sorry refresh me, you are…?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday!

Receptionist: Ok ok, if you could just be patient.

Hammer: [talking to Hornaday] I can’t stand a little grunt like this, thinks he’s running everything. I could just kill him.

Receptionist: Hmm, whispering about me isn’t gonna get you in any faster. [Hammer gets up from his seat, angered]

Kenneth Hornaday: Please Hammer, don’t hurt him.

[Kremlock re-enters with apron and hat from Weiner Hut]

Kremlok: [still talking like an alien] I have 2 chicago dogs to be delivered in person to human Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Jeff from Weiner Hut.

Receptionist: Right, sorry Kremlock, I know it’s you. Now you lost your place in line. If I were you, I’d just sit and be patient, k? Nice hat. [Kremlock sits down]

Kremlok: [talking to Hammer] Sorry are you reading that [magazine]?

Hammer: No, go ahead.

Receptionist: [phone rings] Dick Clark Prouctions [pause] And you are?

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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