SNL Transcripts: Hammer: 12/07/91: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Queen Shenequa…..Ellen Cleghorne

Kevin Nealon: Good evening I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m an alleged anchorman. [on screen: ‘alleged anchorman- SNL Live’, Nealon’s face covered by blue blue] Can we just get this part over with, I’d like to get on with the news. [blur slides off screen]

In Palm Beach, legal experts are divided on the extent to which Willy Smith may have hurt his chances when after being asked by judge Mary Lupo if he understood the charges against him, Willy replied ‘yes your honor, babe’.

Former White House chief of staff John Sinunu, who was labeled a pitbull for his abrasive, aggressive manner, reluctantly resigned this week. President Bush regrettably accepted his resignation, then called the Humane Society to have him picked up and destroyed. The outgoing chief of staff says he will lease his name to King Features Syndicate for use in their word jumble feature.

In a late breaking story, Japan announced it will apologize for the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. The apology will be released by the Sony corporation and available on compact disc for $12.95.

In a speech marking the anniversary, Vice President Dan Quayle assured the American public that even though the harbor was nearly destroyed in the attack, our pearl industry has completely recovered.

Several networks aired the specials on Pearl Harbor. ABC offered ‘Pearl Harbor, 2 Hours that Changed the World’, CBS aired, ‘Remember Pearl Harbor’, and the Disney channel gave us, ‘Honey I Shunk the Ships’.

The game ‘Monopoly’ will no longer be sold in the United States. Toymakers feel it’s just too unrealistic and gets peoples’ hopes up.

In a recent meeting of the Japanese parliament, the surprise attack on Pearl Harbor was commemorated by a surprise attack on an American made suit. [footage of attack on a man in a court room] I like that.

The only portraint painted of Christopher Columbus while he was still alive was discovered this week. Among other things, the painting surprisingly reveals that Columbus’ head was indeed flat and not round as previously believed.

According to education secretary Lamar Alexander, college scholarships will no longer be rewarded on a quota basis, because it’s not fair to other races. Scholarships will also not be rewarded based on intellect because it’s not fair to stupid people. Scholarships will now be given out alphabetically.

NBC news fired 18 news writers… that’s all it says here, I’m sorry.

Sears sponsored the Thanksgiving airing of ET, the Extra Terrestrial. With Sears sponsoring the film, they had to make a few changes. In this version, when the kid rides the bicycle over the moon, it breaks down.

Let’s take a look at a recent satellite photo. There it is, looks ok.

And Beauty and the Beast did well at the box office this week. [shows photo of Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky]

Ladies and Gentlemen, here with her holiday update is SNL soul sister #1 Queen Shanequa.

Queen Shenequa: Thank you Kevin, or should I say ‘asanti sani, abaragani’.

Kevin Nealon: Aba…? I’m sorry.

Queen Shenequa: It’s Swahili, you know Swahili, the language that we speak in the Bronx. It’s a greeting.

Kevin Nealon: Abba?

Queen Shenequa: Keep practicing. Hi ya’al, it’s Queen Shanequa back from Harlem where I learned about Kwanzaa today. Kwanzaa is a Swahili word, it means, ‘Santa don’t come to my house’. I’m so glad we got our own holiday. When I was a kid, I was tied of people asking me ‘what does Santa bring you?, what does Santa bring you?’. Santa comes down a chimney, I grew up in the projects, where was he gonna come from, out the incinerator? Huhhh [sighs], you know what I mean Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Uh, aburogoni?

Queen Shenequa: Not quite, Kwanzaa is a 7 day holiday and you pray a lot. On the first day, we pray for our lost brothers and sisters. On the first day, I’m gonna pray for Michael Jackson. I’m gonna pray he gets his mind back. Now what’s wrong with that child? Has anyone seen his mind? Cuz he clearly lost it sometime after ‘Thriller’, singin about ‘it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white’. If it doesn’t matter, they why are you so white? Of course it matters, cuz if it didn’t matter, you’d just leave it the way it is, why bother to change it? If you change something, then it matters. If it doesn’t matter, you just leave it alone, right Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: [lifting fist firmly] Abaragani!

Queen Shenequa: Yes and then I’m gonna pray for Milli and Vanilli, another Swahili name. Milli Vanilli, translation, ‘I’m not singin. You? Un unh, you? Me neither’. Milli tried to commit suicide by jumpin out the window. Well he didn’t really jump, he got somebody else to jump out for him. On a serious note, I’m gonna pray for Nelson Mandela, who was in town this week addressing the United Nations. So much to pray for Kevin, I better get me some kneepads, whatch you think?

Kevin Nealon: Abaragani Queen Shanequa.

Queen Shenequa: Oh abaragani to you too Kevin and goodnight.

Kevin Nealon: Abaragani, abaragani.

New York City public schools have begun distributing condoms to students, making this the first generation of youngsters who will have their lambskins before they have their sheepskins.

Well the New York Mets will be paying outfielders Bobby Bonilla 29 million dollars for a 5 year contract. This makes him the highest paid player in team sports. 29 million dollars, just think about it. [spaces out for a few seconds, gets excited]

In other sports news, throughout Wilt Chamberlain’s recent autobiography, the superstar divides book sections with ‘Wiltisms’, which is kind of a proverb he recommends should guide your life. For example, here’s one we’ve all heard before. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try 20,000 more times’.

Serial murderer Richard Speck died after complaining of chest pains. The ailing prisoner was transferred to a local hospital where efforts to revive him with a toilet plunger failed. We’re gonna miss him.

In medical news, a major study published today concluded that aspirin, the classic headache remedy, can lessen your risk of colon cancer. Providing of course, you’ve got your head up your ass.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s new to me.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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