The Doormen


The Doormen

Frank…..Rob Schneider
Jimmy…..Kevin Nealon
Ms. Foster…..Siobhan Fallon
Ms. Hawkins…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mr. Claymore…..Phil Hartman
Tommy the Delivery Boy…..Tim Meadows


[ open on Jimmy the Doorman standing outside the door of the luxury apartment building, as Frank walks out ]

Frank: I turned on the lights on the Christmas tree, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Good work, Frank! [ Ms. Foster steps outside ] Hey, Ms. Foster!

Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Foster?

Ms. Foster: Just fine, guys!

Jimmy: Nice night tonight, huh, Ms. Foster?

Ms. Foster: Oh, yes, it’s perfect!

Jimmy: Alright, you go and enjoy it now, Ms. Foster!

Frank: Yeah, have a nice night!

Ms. Foster: I sure will! See you soon, guys! [ walks away ]

Jimmy: Bye, Ms. Foster!

Frank: See ya!

Jimmy: That Ms. Foster, she’s one nice lady, huh?

Frank: Yeah, she sure is.

Jimmy: And pretty, too!

Frank: Oh, yeah.. pretty lady!

Jimmy: [ thinking ] I’d sure like to go upstairs and try on all her panties.

Frank: Yeah, me, too!

Jimmy: Nah.. they’d be too small.

Frank: Oh, sure.

Jimmy: Besides, I’d make an ugly woman.

Frank: Yeah, me, too.

[ Ms. Hawkins breezes forward ]

Jimmy: Hey, Ms. Hawkins!

Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Hawkins?

Ms. Hawkins: Hi! [ exits into the building ]

Jimmy: See ya, Ms. Hawkins!

Frank: See ya! Nice lady.

Jimmy: Yeah.

Frank: Yeah. You’d look good in that dress!

Jimmy: No. It’d make my butt look too big.

Frank: Yeah, mine, too.

Jimmy: Yeah, I got a big ass. It’d torture me for years.

Frank: Yeah, my hips are like a woman’s.

Jimmy: Not as big as Mrs. Blake’s, up in 1503.

Frank: Oh, yeah.. her panties must be huge!

Jimmy: Oh, yeah. We could use her panties as a driftnet.

Frank: Hey, that’d be good. But where’d you get the boat?

Jimmy: Yeah, you’re right..

Frank: Oh, sure. You know what kind of panties I’d like to wear?

Jimmy: What’s that, Frank?

Frank: Silk panties.

Jimmy: Oh, sure, me, too. Natural fiber, the only kind for me.

Frank: Yeah, I break out otherwise.

Jimmy: Oh, sure, you can’t breathe.

Frank: Oh, yeah.

[ Mr. Claymore steps out ]

Mr. Claymore: Hi, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Hey, Mr. Claymore!

Frank: How ya doin’, Mr. Claymore?

Mr. Claymore: Doing fine, thank you.

Jimmy: How’s Mrs. Claymore’s gall bladder?

Mr. Claymore: Oh, it’s out now. She’ll be coming home in a couple of days.

Jimmy: Glad to hear that!

Frank: Yeah, good news! See ya! [ Mr. Claymore walks away ] Nice guy.

Jimmy: Yeah. You know, in the hospital they give you those gowns that open up in the back.

Frank: Oh, yeah, keep you real cool!

Jimmy: Oh, sure. I’d like to wear one of those gowns, and then squat over a block of ice.

Frank: Oh, yeah. And maybe a fan to blow the cool air straight up.

Jimmy: [ excited ] Oh, sure! That’d be good!

Frank: Oh, yeah, why not?

Jimmy: Sure. [ a woman walks past them on the sidewalk ] That’s a man.Frank: Oh, sure. You can tell by the thick ankles.

Jimmy: Yeah, and the big Adam’s Apple.

Frank: Oh, yeah. I got a huge Adam’s Apple. Gives me away every time.

Jimmy: Oh, yeah, me, too. [ Tommy the Delivery Boy walks up ] Hey, Tommy!

Frank: How ya doin’, Tommy?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Yeah, I got a delivery.

Jimmy: Why don’t you take this one up, Frank?

Frank: I took the last one up, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Oh, I’ll get the next one, Frank. Who’s it for?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Ms. Foster.

Frank: Where’s it from?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Uh.. [ looks ] Victoria’s Secret.

Jimmy: [ grabs the box ] I’ll take this one up, Frank!

Frank: No, I got this one..!

[ fade on them fighting over the box ]

SNL Transcripts

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