The Doormen


The Doormen

Frank…..Rob Schneider
Jimmy…..Kevin Nealon
Ms. Foster…..Siobhan Fallon
Ms. Hawkins…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mr. Claymore…..Phil Hartman
Tommy the Delivery Boy…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Jimmy the Doorman standing outside the door of the luxury apartment building, as Frank walks out ]

Frank: I turned on the lights on the Christmas tree, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Good work, Frank! [ Ms. Foster steps outside ] Hey, Ms. Foster!

Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Foster?

Ms. Foster: Just fine, guys!

Jimmy: Nice night tonight, huh, Ms. Foster?

Ms. Foster: Oh, yes, it’s perfect!

Jimmy: Alright, you go and enjoy it now, Ms. Foster!

Frank: Yeah, have a nice night!

Ms. Foster: I sure will! See you soon, guys! [ walks away ]

Jimmy: Bye, Ms. Foster!

Frank: See ya!

Jimmy: That Ms. Foster, she’s one nice lady, huh?

Frank: Yeah, she sure is.

Jimmy: And pretty, too!

Frank: Oh, yeah.. pretty lady!

Jimmy: [ thinking ] I’d sure like to go upstairs and try on all her panties.

Frank: Yeah, me, too!

Jimmy: Nah.. they’d be too small.

Frank: Oh, sure.

Jimmy: Besides, I’d make an ugly woman.

Frank: Yeah, me, too.

[ Ms. Hawkins breezes forward ]

Jimmy: Hey, Ms. Hawkins!

Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Hawkins?

Ms. Hawkins: Hi! [ exits into the building ]

Jimmy: See ya, Ms. Hawkins!

Frank: See ya! Nice lady.

Jimmy: Yeah.

Frank: Yeah. You’d look good in that dress!

Jimmy: No. It’d make my butt look too big.

Frank: Yeah, mine, too.

Jimmy: Yeah, I got a big ass. It’d torture me for years.

Frank: Yeah, my hips are like a woman’s.

Jimmy: Not as big as Mrs. Blake’s, up in 1503.

Frank: Oh, yeah.. her panties must be huge!

Jimmy: Oh, yeah. We could use her panties as a driftnet.

Frank: Hey, that’d be good. But where’d you get the boat?

Jimmy: Yeah, you’re right..

Frank: Oh, sure. You know what kind of panties I’d like to wear?

Jimmy: What’s that, Frank?

Frank: Silk panties.

Jimmy: Oh, sure, me, too. Natural fiber, the only kind for me.

Frank: Yeah, I break out otherwise.

Jimmy: Oh, sure, you can’t breathe.

Frank: Oh, yeah.

[ Mr. Claymore steps out ]

Mr. Claymore: Hi, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Hey, Mr. Claymore!

Frank: How ya doin’, Mr. Claymore?

Mr. Claymore: Doing fine, thank you.

Jimmy: How’s Mrs. Claymore’s gall bladder?

Mr. Claymore: Oh, it’s out now. She’ll be coming home in a couple of days.

Jimmy: Glad to hear that!

Frank: Yeah, good news! See ya! [ Mr. Claymore walks away ] Nice guy.

Jimmy: Yeah. You know, in the hospital they give you those gowns that open up in the back.

Frank: Oh, yeah, keep you real cool!

Jimmy: Oh, sure. I’d like to wear one of those gowns, and then squat over a block of ice.

Frank: Oh, yeah. And maybe a fan to blow the cool air straight up.

Jimmy: [ excited ] Oh, sure! That’d be good!

Frank: Oh, yeah, why not?

Jimmy: Sure. [ a woman walks past them on the sidewalk ] That’s a man.Frank: Oh, sure. You can tell by the thick ankles.

Jimmy: Yeah, and the big Adam’s Apple.

Frank: Oh, yeah. I got a huge Adam’s Apple. Gives me away every time.

Jimmy: Oh, yeah, me, too. [ Tommy the Delivery Boy walks up ] Hey, Tommy!

Frank: How ya doin’, Tommy?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Yeah, I got a delivery.

Jimmy: Why don’t you take this one up, Frank?

Frank: I took the last one up, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Oh, I’ll get the next one, Frank. Who’s it for?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Ms. Foster.

Frank: Where’s it from?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Uh.. [ looks ] Victoria’s Secret.

Jimmy: [ grabs the box ] I’ll take this one up, Frank!

Frank: No, I got this one..!

[ fade on them fighting over the box ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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