The Doormen
Frank…..Rob Schneider
Jimmy…..Kevin Nealon
Ms. Foster…..Siobhan Fallon
Ms. Hawkins…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mr. Claymore…..Phil Hartman
Tommy the Delivery Boy…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Jimmy the Doorman standing outside the door of the luxury apartment building, as Frank walks out ]
Frank: I turned on the lights on the Christmas tree, Jimmy!
Jimmy: Good work, Frank! [ Ms. Foster steps outside ] Hey, Ms. Foster!
Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Foster?
Ms. Foster: Just fine, guys!
Jimmy: Nice night tonight, huh, Ms. Foster?
Ms. Foster: Oh, yes, it’s perfect!
Jimmy: Alright, you go and enjoy it now, Ms. Foster!
Frank: Yeah, have a nice night!
Ms. Foster: I sure will! See you soon, guys! [ walks away ]
Jimmy: Bye, Ms. Foster!
Frank: See ya!
Jimmy: That Ms. Foster, she’s one nice lady, huh?
Frank: Yeah, she sure is.
Jimmy: And pretty, too!
Frank: Oh, yeah.. pretty lady!
Jimmy: [ thinking ] I’d sure like to go upstairs and try on all her panties.
Frank: Yeah, me, too!
Jimmy: Nah.. they’d be too small.
Frank: Oh, sure.
Jimmy: Besides, I’d make an ugly woman.
Frank: Yeah, me, too.
[ Ms. Hawkins breezes forward ]
Jimmy: Hey, Ms. Hawkins!
Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Hawkins?
Ms. Hawkins: Hi! [ exits into the building ]
Jimmy: See ya, Ms. Hawkins!
Frank: See ya! Nice lady.
Jimmy: Yeah.
Frank: Yeah. You’d look good in that dress!
Jimmy: No. It’d make my butt look too big.
Frank: Yeah, mine, too.
Jimmy: Yeah, I got a big ass. It’d torture me for years.
Frank: Yeah, my hips are like a woman’s.
Jimmy: Not as big as Mrs. Blake’s, up in 1503.
Frank: Oh, yeah.. her panties must be huge!
Jimmy: Oh, yeah. We could use her panties as a driftnet.
Frank: Hey, that’d be good. But where’d you get the boat?
Jimmy: Yeah, you’re right..
Frank: Oh, sure. You know what kind of panties I’d like to wear?
Jimmy: What’s that, Frank?
Frank: Silk panties.
Jimmy: Oh, sure, me, too. Natural fiber, the only kind for me.
Frank: Yeah, I break out otherwise.
Jimmy: Oh, sure, you can’t breathe.
Frank: Oh, yeah.
[ Mr. Claymore steps out ]
Mr. Claymore: Hi, Jimmy!
Jimmy: Hey, Mr. Claymore!
Frank: How ya doin’, Mr. Claymore?
Mr. Claymore: Doing fine, thank you.
Jimmy: How’s Mrs. Claymore’s gall bladder?
Mr. Claymore: Oh, it’s out now. She’ll be coming home in a couple of days.
Jimmy: Glad to hear that!
Frank: Yeah, good news! See ya! [ Mr. Claymore walks away ] Nice guy.
Jimmy: Yeah. You know, in the hospital they give you those gowns that open up in the back.
Frank: Oh, yeah, keep you real cool!
Jimmy: Oh, sure. I’d like to wear one of those gowns, and then squat over a block of ice.
Frank: Oh, yeah. And maybe a fan to blow the cool air straight up.
Jimmy: [ excited ] Oh, sure! That’d be good!
Frank: Oh, yeah, why not?
Jimmy: Sure. [ a woman walks past them on the sidewalk ] That’s a man.Frank: Oh, sure. You can tell by the thick ankles.
Jimmy: Yeah, and the big Adam’s Apple.
Frank: Oh, yeah. I got a huge Adam’s Apple. Gives me away every time.
Jimmy: Oh, yeah, me, too. [ Tommy the Delivery Boy walks up ] Hey, Tommy!
Frank: How ya doin’, Tommy?
Tommy the Delivery Boy: Yeah, I got a delivery.
Jimmy: Why don’t you take this one up, Frank?
Frank: I took the last one up, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh, I’ll get the next one, Frank. Who’s it for?
Tommy the Delivery Boy: Ms. Foster.
Frank: Where’s it from?
Tommy the Delivery Boy: Uh.. [ looks ] Victoria’s Secret.
Jimmy: [ grabs the box ] I’ll take this one up, Frank!
Frank: No, I got this one..!
[ fade on them fighting over the box ]
