Steve Martin’s Monologue


Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Good evening, and welcome to “Saturday NightLive”! First of all, I want to wish you all a happy holiday – and I say happy holiday, because I mean it whether you celebrate Christmas, or Chanukah, or even some other weird astrology cult that you believe in but everyone else knows is hogwash.

I love being back here on the show, with a cast I love so much.. the regulars.. Kevin, Dana, Phil.. uh.. Victoria.. and the newer cast members.. Ramone.. Tina.. Frosty.. and Spunky. You know, a lot of hosts wouldn’t bother learning the cast’s names, but I think being a celebrity carries with it some responsibility. For example, when people come up to me in restaurants and say, “I can see that you’re eating, but I was wondering if I could have your autograph for my eight-year-old on her birthday.” I always grab the genitalia and pull down with a quick snap and release.. never with a slow, tight grip like some celebrities do.

You know, I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately, because I’ve got a new movie coming out, and I think that one of the most commonly asked questions I get is, “Steve, do you have a lot of creative input into the movies you do?” Well, actually.. yes. For example, I have a movie coming out next Friday called “Father of the Bride”. When the Disney studios called me up to aks me if I would be interested in doing “Father of the Bride”, I said, “Well.. which role?” And they said, “Well, the bride.” And I said, “What if we went the other way? What if I played the father?” And they said, “Hmm.. interesting.” And then as I’m talking to them, I realized, if I play the father, I don’t get to wear the white dress. So I say, “Do you think there’s a place in the movie where I could wear the white dress? Say, at the wedding, or something like that?” And they say, “Well, really, the bride should wear the white dress..” And I say, “Could we both wear the white dress? Could we shoot it both ways?” And that’s what we did, and they decided ultimately to go with me in the suit, and I think that was the right choice. But I do have a photo of the scenethat was cut out, and I’d like you take a look at it, could you put that up, please?

[ show picture of Steve and the bride both wearing white dresses ]

I thought it worked, but, you know, they thinkthey’re bigshots. Okay! We have a great show tonight, James Taylor is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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