SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 12/14/91: Theatre Stories

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 9

91i: Steve Martin / James Taylor

Theatre Stories

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey…..Steve Martin
Mickey Rooney…..Dana Carvey
Kenneth Reese-Evans…..Mike Myers
Dame Sarah Kensington…..Julia Sweeney

INT. THEATER – STAGE – EVENING

SUPER: THEATRE STORIES

[ Four elderly people, SIR WILLIAM SINDREN STEVEN SMYTHE CURSEY, American actor MICKEY ROONEY, KENNETH REESE-EVANS, and DAME SARAH KENSINGTON, are all seated next to each other. All dressed posh. ]

Announcer (V/O): The British Theater Alliance presents “Theatre Stories”, with your host — Kenneth Reese-Evans.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Hello, I’m Kenneth Reese-Evans, and welcome to episode, of, uh, “Theatre Stories”! Our guests tonight our Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey, or “Nobby”, as he’s known at the Old Vic…

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: A-llo! Always a pleasure!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: And our next guest, whose 1931 debut at the Royal Shakespeare…

[ Kenneth inhales very deeply. ]

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Was described as Dionysian and unabashedly insane! I’m of course speaking of D-a-a-me Sarah Kensington!

Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name! They’re calling me again!!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Y-e-e-s. And finally, Hollywood film actor and child star — Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Rooney: I was the number one star… IN THE WORLD! YOU HEAR ME!?

[ Mickey puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Mickey Rooney: Bang! THE WORLD!!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Y-e-e-s, of course. Yes, yes. Now, just before the show started, Nobby here was telling us all a story here of Sir Laurence [ deep pause ] Olivier.

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Yeah, yeah, Larry was performing in the American motion picture “Marathon Man” and Dustin Hoffman came to him one morning looking absolutely wretched! And Olivier said, “ You look absolutely wretched!” And Dustin said, “Well, I’ve stayed awake for 24 hours, because at this point in the picture, my character has been up all night.” And Sir Laurence quipped, “Oh, Dusty! Why don’t you try acting?”

[ Kenneth and Sir William laugh. ]

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Oh, ho, very good!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Well, Dustin shoots back, “Act on this you old English fag!”

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Shame! Shame!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: And then, Sir Larry retorts, “I want a meal, not a snack!”

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Very clever.

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: And the American replies, “Self-serve buddy!”

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Shame!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: And Sir Larry takes a beat, as only Sir Larry can, and he says something, so perfect! So absolutely perfect!

[ Sir William reclines in his chair and folds his arms. ]

Mickey Rooney: Incidentally, for your edification, I tried to sell a script to Mr. Dustin Hoffman. He never called me back. And I’ve been in the business for 68 years. YOU HEAR ME!? I was the number one star IN THE WORLD!

[ Mickey puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Mickey Rooney: Bang! THE WORLD!! I made $200,000 in 1937 and by 1945, I was broke. I went to my accountant and I said “I’m broke.” He said, “You can’t be broke. You were the number one star IN THE WORLD! YOU HEAR ME!?

[ Mickey puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Mickey Rooney: Bang! THE WORLD!!

Dame Sarah Kensington: Yes, I quite agree. I’ve been married five times to the same wonderful man.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes, yes. That reminds me of a story that is in no way related! I was working with Sir. John. Gielgud, in a production of “Troilus and Cressida” when I discovered I HAD NO CONTROL OVER THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Really, really! I always felt Sir John Gielgud had a certain, as the French say, I-don’t-know what.

Dame Sarah Kensington: I was playing Lady Macbeth to John Gielgud’s Othello in a production of “The Tempest” and who should I see in the front row, taking notes, but Mr. Potato Head! And the thing that struck me about Mr. Potato Head was that his facial features were completely interchangeable.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Y-e-e-s, yes, yes. Of course, a little bit sly, that Mr. Potato Head. Tell me, Mr. Rooney! Who is your favorite Leading. Lady.

Mickey Rooney: Look, being four foot eight, I was never going to romance Miss Kim Novak, but I the pleasure of performing with the lovely Miss Judy Garland. So I’m not bitter. You see, that’s how it works. I’M NOT A FREAK! I was the number one star IN THE WORLD! YOU HEAR ME!?

[ Mickey puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Mickey Rooney: Bang! THE WORLD!! In 1965, I called Warner Bros. and I said, “This is Mickey Rooney. I need a job.” The bastard hung up on me.

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: What a fascinating story, you ghastly American!

[ Sir William puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Bang!

Mickey Rooney: I’m just glad I like women!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: What are you getting at!?

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Y-e-e-s, yes. Why don’t you go somewhere and have an American, hot-a-dog!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: You know, I remember a performance of “Richard III” during the war, and right in the middle of the second act, we took a direct hit from the Nazi buzz bomb. I looked up and saw, the ceiling crash down on me, and I went, “Ugh!” And I soiled myself.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well, I don’t blame you. I would have done the same; had I seen that.

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Not then, I mean just, now. When I went —

[ Sir William extends his arms. ]

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: “Argh!” Excuse me…

[ Sir William departs. Kenneth pulls out a handkerchief and wipes Sir William’s chair. ]

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes, yes, of course. That was fascinating, but the rest of the story will have to wait BECAUSE THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE!! So we’ll see you next week on “THEATRE STORIES”!!

[ Kenneth continues to wipe Sir William’s chair. ]

SUPER: THEATRE STORIES

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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