“The Tonight Song”


“The Tonight Song”

…..Steve Martin
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open in Steve Martin’s dressing room ]

Chris Farley: So, you remember when Bill Murray came.. when you were the Medieval Barber, when he came in and his legs were all broken.. after having to much mead?

Steve Martin: Yeah. What about it?

Chris Farley: That was awesome!

Steve Martin: That was a long time ago..

Victoria Jackson: [ running in ] Steve, want to run lines for our scene?

Steve Martin: [ annoyed that he’s interrupted from reading his paper ] We have a sketch together? Is it on cue cards?

Victoria Jackson: I guess so..

Steve Martin: Then what’s the problem?

Chris Farley: [ pulling up King Tut costume ] Mr. Martin? Before you go, I was wondering.. I found this in wardrobe, and I was wondering if you could sign it?

Steve Martin: My old King Tut costume.. I remember this. This was back when the show meant something.. Back when I used to care..

[ singing ]Something’s out there.. [ whistles ]Something’s in the air.. [ whistles ]Don’t know how, don’t know why
Got a feeling tonight’s the night I’m actually gonna tryyyyy..

[ Steve, Victoria and Chris Farley run into the hall ]

Not gonna phone it in tonight.
Not gonna go through the motions tonight.
This time I’m really gonna do the best I can.
Mr. Cue Card Man, put those down over there.
For some reason tonight, I care!

Victoria Jackson: You care?

Steve Martin: That’s right!

[ steps in the middle of the audience ]

That’s why I’m not gonna phone it in tonight.
Not gonna read my screenplay during the songs tonight.

I could walk through my parts and still be hilarious
I’ve done it so often before.
But look at these faces – look at this fat guy.
He wants more. He wants mo-o-o-o-ore!

Audience Member: Hey, I’m not that fat!

Steve Martin: Please.

So many times I faked, just because I could.
I’m that good!
But 20% won’t do tonight..

Mike Myers: [ stepping out ] Mr. Martin, I’ll do it for you tonight..

Julia Sweeney: [ steps out as Pat, but strips herself of the characterand costume ]Gonna do something different tonight.
Something says not to just do Pat tonight..

Tim Meadows:
I don’t have any lines.
I’m not in the show.
But something tells me that if I were
I’d be raring to go-o-o-o-o!

Chris Farley:
Not gonna get liquored up tonight!
I’m not gonna have a drink tonight!
I’m not gonna drink ‘ til “Update” is through.
That’s a promise to you, the viewer!
Yes, after the show, I’ll drink ’til I spew.
But for now, I’m clearheaded for you!

Phil Hartman: [ steps out, holding up a wig and piece of make-up ]I hide behind these wigs and this make-up
But tonight I’m gonna let myself shine through.
Yes, they’re gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight!

Steve Martin: I wouldn’t do that, Phil.
Phil Hartman: Okay.
Steve Martin: Follow me, everyone! Let’s go make an effort!

Not gonna have dead air tonight!
Gonna seem as if we care tonight!

Kevin Nealon: But, Steve, why do you care? Aren’t you rich?

Steve Martin:

I’m worth $17 million

I could buy and sell you, and you and you, a thousand times over.

But tonight, there’s a show to do!

Joe Dicso: Five minutes to Monologue, Mr. Martin!

Steve Martin: Thanks, Joe! [ dances off the set with the cast ]

Joe Dicso:

I can’t ever get fired, I’ve got a Union job.
But somehow tonight it doesn’t matter that I’m in with the mob..

Stagehands: [ dancin in ]Gonna move our lardasses tonight.
We’re gonna move our fat Teamster asses tonight..

[ Steve Martin and the cast dance past Lorne Michaels, who’s recieving apedicure ]

Lorne Michaels: Steve, what’s going on?

Steve Martin: We’re going to do our best tonight, Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: But, Steve, the show’s on automatic pilot. I don’teven come in until Saturday.

Steve Martin: Lorne, don’t you see? That’s not the way it was in the 70’s. Back in the 70’s, people cared. They believed in something! Now it’s the 80’s, and everything’s yuppie, yuppie, yuppie.. spend, spend, spend!

Lorne Michaels: Steve, it’s the 90’s.

Steve Martin: Whatever. You see..

I’ve always wanted to see
How good I could be.
I just want to know.

Lorne Michaels:
Then go, Steve, go
And have a great sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwwwww!!

Steve Martin: Thanks, Lorne. [ walks down the hall ] I feel young again! I feel like I’m.. 38!

We’re gonna learn our lines, do our parts well
Then we’ll go back to coasting
But not while Steve’s host
‘Cause.. we’re..
Not gonna phone it in tonight.
Not gonna sleepwalk through tonight.

Steve Martin: I made it happen!
Cast: Steve made it happen!
Steve Martin: Now it’s in sight!
Cast: Now it’s in sight!
Steve Martin: Live, from New York.. [ stuck ] Line? [ CueCard Man points to “It’s Saturday Night!” on cue card ] ..it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 2

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x