Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo
Douglas Randall…..Rob Morrow
Outraged Audience Member…..Ellen Cleghorne
Pamela Swinson…..Siobhan Fallon
[ open on the Apollo Theater stage ]
Announcer: Please welcome Chris Rock!
Chris Rock: [ enters onstage ] What’s up! Yeah, so what’s up![ dissolve to Chris Rock delivering his commercial pitch ]
Chris Rock: Hi. I’m Chris Rock, and that was me at the world-famous Apollo Theater. Now, it’s a known fact that the crowd at the Apollo is one of the toughest in the world, and people often come up to me and say, “Chris, I’m white. How can I survive the Apollo?” That’s why Icreated these videotapes entitled, “Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo”. Let me show you one white person who benefited from my experience.[ cut to tape from the Apollo, white guy Douglas Randall taking the stage ]
Douglas Randall: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you this evening? The other day I wa cleaning my pool, and you know how..[ crowd starts booing ]
Outraged Audience Member: Oh, boy, I don’t care for! Get outta here! Hey, where’s Sinbad?![ Douglas is quickly pelted with lettuce and old shoes as he runs off stage ] [ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]
Chris Rock: Now, this is Douglas Randall. Now, Doug, it’s like the audience was a little rough that night.
Douglas Randall: Yeah, Chris, they were.. and I started to give up comedy, and then somebody told me about your tape.
Chris Rock: And did you return to the Apollo?
Douglas Randall: I sure did!
Chris Rock: Let’s see the crowd reaction.[ cut to tape from the Apollo, with Douglas performing his act in the style of a black comedian ]
Douglas Randall: And then I said to Hammer, “You’d better not touvh this!” [ points to crotch ]
Outraged Audience Member: [ now elated ] Damn, that boy is funny!
Douglas Randall: Big butt? White guy got a little butt!
Outraged Audience Member: [ can’t stop laughing ] [ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]
Chris Rock: Well, Doug, I see you studied Leson 4: Big Butt Jokes. Did you have any other favorites?
Douglas Randall: Well, yeah, Chris. I did end with a James Brown toilet impression, like you suggested in Lesson 6.
Chris Rock: That’s right! you cna never go wrong with an impression of James Brown on the toilet! Well, thanks a lot, Doug. Why don’t you take care of that leg? [ Doug exits ] With my tapes, any white person can learn hoe to survive the Apollo – no matter what kind of act you have. Order now, and receive a list of “Head So Big” jokes, “Feet So Stink” jokes, and “If That Was A Brother I Think It Would Have Went Like This” jokes, and many more. Now, some of you are saying, “Chris, I’m not a coomedian. I’m white and I sing. How can I survive the Apollo?[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” at the Apollo, and receiving negative reaction ] [ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Pamela ]
Chris Rock: This is Pam Swinson. Tough crowd, huh, Pam?
Pamela Swinson: They sure were, Chris. What do you think I can do?
Chris Rock: Well, I don’t think “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” is right for the Apollo. Why don’t you try singing “And I Am Telling You” by Jennifer Holliday?
Pamela Swinson: Do you think that will work, Mr. Rock?
Chris Rock: It always works.[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “And I Am Telling You” at the Apollo, and receiving positive reaction as she kicks off her shoes and gets the crowd moving ] [ dissolve back to Chris Rock holding up his tapes ]
Chris Rock: You know, there are so many white people who have benefited from my tapes. Why don’t you, too, join the ranks, and maybe you, too, can survive the Apollo?[ fade ]