Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo


Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo

…..Chris Rock
Douglas Randall…..Rob Morrow
Outraged Audience Member…..Ellen Cleghorne
Pamela Swinson…..Siobhan Fallon


[ open on the Apollo Theater stage ]

Announcer: Please welcome Chris Rock!

Chris Rock: [ enters onstage ] What’s up! Yeah, so what’s up!

[ dissolve to Chris Rock delivering his commercial pitch ]

Chris Rock: Hi. I’m Chris Rock, and that was me at the world-famous Apollo Theater. Now, it’s a known fact that the crowd at the Apollo is one of the toughest in the world, and people often come up to me and say, “Chris, I’m white. How can I survive the Apollo?” That’s why Icreated these videotapes entitled, “Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo”. Let me show you one white person who benefited from my experience.

[ cut to tape from the Apollo, white guy Douglas Randall taking the stage ]

Douglas Randall: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you this evening? The other day I wa cleaning my pool, and you know how..

[ crowd starts booing ]

Outraged Audience Member: Oh, boy, I don’t care for! Get outta here! Hey, where’s Sinbad?!

[ Douglas is quickly pelted with lettuce and old shoes as he runs off stage ] [ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]

Chris Rock: Now, this is Douglas Randall. Now, Doug, it’s like the audience was a little rough that night.

Douglas Randall: Yeah, Chris, they were.. and I started to give up comedy, and then somebody told me about your tape.

Chris Rock: And did you return to the Apollo?

Douglas Randall: I sure did!

Chris Rock: Let’s see the crowd reaction.

[ cut to tape from the Apollo, with Douglas performing his act in the style of a black comedian ]

Douglas Randall: And then I said to Hammer, “You’d better not touvh this!” [ points to crotch ]

Outraged Audience Member: [ now elated ] Damn, that boy is funny!

Douglas Randall: Big butt? White guy got a little butt!

Outraged Audience Member: [ can’t stop laughing ] [ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]

Chris Rock: Well, Doug, I see you studied Leson 4: Big Butt Jokes. Did you have any other favorites?

Douglas Randall: Well, yeah, Chris. I did end with a James Brown toilet impression, like you suggested in Lesson 6.

Chris Rock: That’s right! you cna never go wrong with an impression of James Brown on the toilet! Well, thanks a lot, Doug. Why don’t you take care of that leg? [ Doug exits ] With my tapes, any white person can learn hoe to survive the Apollo – no matter what kind of act you have. Order now, and receive a list of “Head So Big” jokes, “Feet So Stink” jokes, and “If That Was A Brother I Think It Would Have Went Like This” jokes, and many more. Now, some of you are saying, “Chris, I’m not a coomedian. I’m white and I sing. How can I survive the Apollo?

[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” at the Apollo, and receiving negative reaction ] [ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Pamela ]

Chris Rock: This is Pam Swinson. Tough crowd, huh, Pam?

Pamela Swinson: They sure were, Chris. What do you think I can do?

Chris Rock: Well, I don’t think “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” is right for the Apollo. Why don’t you try singing “And I Am Telling You” by Jennifer Holliday?

Pamela Swinson: Do you think that will work, Mr. Rock?

Chris Rock: It always works.

[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “And I Am Telling You” at the Apollo, and receiving positive reaction as she kicks off her shoes and gets the crowd moving ] [ dissolve back to Chris Rock holding up his tapes ]

Chris Rock: You know, there are so many white people who have benefited from my tapes. Why don’t you, too, join the ranks, and maybe you, too, can survive the Apollo?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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