Late Comments


Late Comments

Dave…..Rob Morrow
Bill…..Mike Myers
Beth…..Beth Cahill
Waitress…..Siobhan Fallon

[ open on three friends sitting at a table in a restaurant ]

Beth: So, I heard Jerry Brown say that nowadays we only have one party – the Incumbent Party! [ Bill laughs ] And I can see where he’s coming from.

Bill: You know.. I don’t know.. some of those Democrats make me appreciate Quayle!

Dave: That’s right.

Bill: Hey, this is a good place. Have you been here before?

Beth: No, I have not. But I like it already.

Bill: I know, these chairs alone! [ chuckles ] Anyways, you know what’s interesting…

Dave: It’s outerspace. [ Bill and Beth are confused by the outburst ] Jerry Brown. I’m sorry.. you know, where Jerry Brown is coming from, probably.. I..

Beth: [ realizing Dave’s answering an earlier comment ] Oh.. right..

Bill: Oh.. yeah, yeah.. okay.. So, you know what’s good here, is the Yankee Pot Roast.

Beth: Oh?

Dave: Yeah, that is pretty good here.

Beth: That sounds enticing.

Bill: Yeah, you’ll think you’re in Boston, but without the crazy cabdrivers!

Beth: [ laughs ] I’ve heard about those crazy cabdrivers!

Bill: Yeah..

Dave: [ starts to say something, but doesn’t ] I’m sorry.. go ahead..

Bill: Oh. Okay. Uh.. well, they’ll anything you tell them, right? If you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500! [ Beth laughs ] I mean, I don’t know what kind of training films they show these guys! [ Beth laughs ] And you know what else is great about Boston?

Beth: What?

Bill: The Clam Chowder.

Beth: Oh, I love Clam Chowder!

Dave: [ now responding to an earlier comment ] They probably show them “The French Connection”! [ laughs ]

Bill: [ confused ] Yeah.. yeah.. right..

Beth: Uh-huh..

Dave: The cabbies in Boston.. the training films they.. chase scenes..

Bill: Right.. Anyway, the clam chowder in Boston is truly great.

Beth: Yeah!

Bill: Hey, you know what else is great? Going to a Red Sox game.

Beth: Oh, sure!

Bill: Yeah. I was there in 1986 when they lost the World Series.

Beth: Oh, wow..

Dave: To the Mets?

Bill: Yeah.. to the Mets. So, anyways, I’ll tell you what happened. I paid $100 to a guy, right? And it turned out it was a forged ticket.

Beth: [ stunned ] No way!

Dave: Clam Chowdah!

Bill: Uh..?

Dave: You know. I mean, just the way they’re always with the Clam Chowdah! New Englandahs!

Beth: Yeah…

Bill: That’s very true.. that’s very true..

Waitress: [ approaches ] Did you folks need menus?

Beth: Uh, no. I’ll just have the Yankee Pot Roast.

Waitress: Sir?

Bill: Uh.. does the French dip come with French fries?

Waitress: Pretty much everything comes with French fries.

Bill: Good. That’s the only way I can eat French dip! [ he and Beth laugh ]

Waitress: [ to Dave ] Sir?

Dave: Oh, uh.. just a burger..

Waitress: Yeah. [ walks away ]

Bill: So, who’s out there? Who you gonna vote for?

Beth: I know, it’s scary.. There’s that Clinton guy, he seems okay. Is he from Florida?

Bill: No.

Dave: He’s from Arkansas.

Beth: Who’s the one from Florida?

Bill: Pee Wee Herman! [ they laugh ]

Dave: [ near hysterical ] Could we get the waiter, please! Miss!

Waitress: [ returns ] Yeah?

Dave: Um.. what about coffee and French fries?

Waitress: What?

Dave: [ laughs ] Well, you said practically everything comes with fries..

Waitress: Yeah. Well.. actually, not practically everything comes with fries.

Dave: Yeah, I know, I..

Waitress: Yeah. [ walks away ]

Dave: [ tense ] So, uh.. huh.. those candidates are really something..

Beth: Yeah, they are. That Pat Buchanan guy..

Bill: Yeah. Pat Buchanan’s got some interesting ideas. About as interesting as David Duke’s!

Dave: Now that Steinbrenner’s coming back, I don’t know how it’s gonna taste! [ laughs out loud ]

Beth: [ confused ] Who was that, Dave?

Bill: What are you talking about, Dave?

Dave: The.. Yankee Pot Roast.. I don’t know if it’s.. gonna taste good..

Beth: Steinbrenner..

Bill: Right. Well, that’s a possibility, Dave.

Dave: Well, what does that mena?

Bill: Well, Dave, that was about five subjects ago.

Dave: Well, I’m sorry. I’m just not a subject counter.

Bill: [ to Beth ] Yeah, well, Dave’s a ltitle behind. He’s just now recently getting into rap! Hey, did you hear Prince’s new album?

Beth: Prince?! That guy’s still around?

Bill: Well, yeah, yeah. The new album’s pretty good, the old man’s got some life in ihim.

Beth: Well, I’m more a U2 gal.

Bill: Well, they’re always doing something.

Dave: Bill’s a little behind himself, when he’s not being an ass!

Beth: What, Dave..?

Dave: It’s just that thing you said about me being a little.. behind.. uh.. I’ve just gotta stand up for a minute..

Bill: Okay. Whatever. [ contunies talking to Beth ] [ Dave exits to the bathroom, where he stares at himself reflectively in the mirror, wondering why he can’t just get it together. He looks at the condom machine hanging on the wall, and turns away. He then notices a bathroom stall marked “Time Machine”, and quickly enters, dispensing a few condoms before he goes. ] [ the action returns to the table moments earlier, with Dave now in full swing with the conversation ]

Bill: So, these cabbies, if you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500! I don’t know what kind of training films they show these guys..

Dave: They probably show them “The French Connection”! [ everyone laughs ]

Bill: Right! Hey, you know what else is great in Boston? The clam chowder.

Dave: Clam Chowdah! [ everyone laughs ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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