Oliver Stone…..Phil Hartman
Elliot Rifkin…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on interior, Offices of Oliver Stone, Los Angeles ]
Voice on Intercom: Mr. Stone? Elliot Rifkin, from Warner Brothers, is here to see you?
Oliver Stone: Thanks, Terry. Send him in. [ rises from his desk and cautiously closes the blinds ]
Elliot Rifkin: [ enters ] Oliver. [ shakes hands ]
Oliver Stone: Thanks for coming.
Elliot Rifkin: You sounded pretty worked up on the phone. What’s up?
Oliver Stone: [ checks to make sure no one’s in the hall, then turns on the TV ] The room may be bugged. Have a seat. [ Elliot sits ] Elliot.. have you been following the news lately?
Elliot Rifkin: Yeah.
Oliver Stone: You heard about what happened to the President in Japan?
Elliot Rifkin: Yeah, that was awful! Poor guy.. so embarrassing.
Oliver Stone: Embarrassing? It was a national tragedy.
Elliot Rifkin: Well?
Oliver Stone: I want to show you something. [ plays a tape of President Bush falling underneath the table ]
Elliot Rifkin: Right. I saw this on the news. It was pretty bad.
Oliver Stone: That, of course, is the official version, the version they wanted us to see! Now.. take a look at this, the unedited footage.[ footage shows Bush seated normally at the table, then his face starts to shake and he begins to spew vomit ]
Elliot Rifkin: [ turning his head ] I can’t watch this,sir..
Oliver Stone: You know, Elliot.. why do you think the American people weren’t allowed to see this?
Elliot Rifkin: Well.. do you think they’d really want to see it? It is disgusting.
Oliver Stone: You buy that?
Elliot Rifkin: Yeah.
Oliver Stone: Elliot, three days ago, my office asked for permission to examine that tablecloth. You know what they were told? The tablecloth had been sent to the cleaners.
Elliot Rifkin: Yeah?
Oliver Stone: Doesn’t that strike you as more than a little odd?
Elliot Rifkin: Well, it was covered with puke.
Oliver Stone: Exactly! It seems to me, if the President vomits on a tablecloth, I’m gonna hang on to that tablecloth, I’m not gonna send it to the cleaners.
Elliot Rifkin: Uh, Oliver.. whart exactly..
Oliver Stone: Elliot, the point is this – the vomit is gone. The vomit is gone! No record of what he ate, or how much he ate, or how much he vomited.. All we have is this tape. Now, watch.. [ plays tape in forward and reverse, repeatedly ] Up.. back.. up.. back.. up.. and back..
Elliot Rifkin: Can I have a glass of water..?
Oliver Stone: Just a minute. Now, based on the stills of frame 235, we’ve prepared this.. [ unwraps an oversized replica of plastic vomit ] Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Elliot Rifkin: I don’t know..
Oliver Stone: An awful lot of vomit for one person, don’t you think?
Elliot Rifkin: Look, Oliver, I have another meeting.. how can I help you?
Oliver Stone: I just want you to ask yourself three questions: Who was there? Who stood to gain by making the President throw up? And who had the means to pull it off?
Elliot Rifkin: Um.. Japanese?
Oliver Stone: In their own banquet hall? No. Think. Who.. stood.. to gain?
Elliot Rifkin: [ playing along ] Lee Iacocca?
Oliver Stone: Bingo! The man wins a cigar.
Elliot Rifkin: Oliver, look.. the last three years, you have really been going non-stop. I mean.. “Talk Radio”, “The Doors”, “JFK”.. Maybe this is your time to just kick back and relax a little.. God knows you earned it!
Oliver Stone: You don’t get it, do you? You just don’t get it! [ phone rings ] Yes? Oh.. my.. God.. [ hangs up ] They’ve done it again.
Elliot Rifkin: What?
Oliver Stone: The President has wet his pants. I’ve got a plane to catch! [ exits ]
Elliot Rifkin: [ alone ] Wow.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday night.