Tom Hanes…..Chevy Chase
Terry Hanes…..Victoria Jackson

Tom Hanes: Hi, welcome to “Adopt-A-Pet”, I’m Tom Hanes..

Terry Hanes: And I’m Terry Hanes!

Tom Hanes: This week, we’ve got a few more abandoned pets that could really use a good home. Let’s meet one of them – [ holds a big dog on a leash ] this guy over here is Sparky, he’s a growler who loves to bark; he’s full of energy, like a little spark plug, that’s why we call him “Sparky”. [ laughs ] The best thing about Sparky is that he’s an early riser. He’s up before the crack of dawn, barking and yelping and whining and growling. He’s a very loud dog. So if you want to adopy Sparky, just call the number on the bottom of your screen. [ KL5-PETS ] Now, Sparky is not a city dog; he’s a little nervous, needs to run; loves to eat, but he’s got a little trouble digesting. I’d love to keep him, but I don’t think he’s going to get along with my other dogs – he’s kind of a scrapper.. So, please call, Sparky’s waiting!

[ phones don’t ring ]

Well.. while we’re waiting for the phones to ring about Sparky, Terry, why don’t you tell us a little about your second pet over there.

Terry Hanes: Okay. [ holds up cat ] Well, this is Fluffy, she’s an orange Calico, isn’t she adorable?

Tom Hanes: [ laughs ] Yes, she is cute.. and if you have a lot of second-hand furniture, then Fluffy is the cat for you. She loves to scratch and bite and spit. Fluffy’s not a children’s kind of cat, Fluffy is more for someone who enjoys the unpredictable, a good surprise![ phones don’t ring ]

Now, if you want to adopt Fluffy, please call us.

[ phones still don’t ring ]

Terry Hanes: [ trying to sweeten the offer ] Fluffy doesn’t like litter boxes.

Tom Hanes: And if you’ll adopt Fluffy, you’ll also get an extra-added bonus.. [ to Sparky ] Sit!

Terry Hanes: She’s pregnant!

Tom Hanes: Yeah, that’s right! Within a few weeks, Fluffy will drop a litter of kittens in your house! I’m sure she’ll make a great mother – at least, until she goes into heat again.

Terry Hanes: So, if you want to adopt Fluffy, just call the number at the bottom of your screen. [ nothing ] You should also know that Sparky is still available.

[ phone finally rings ]

Tom Hanes: Hey! Hello, Adopt-A-Pet!

Caller: Yeah, hi. Do you think Fluffy would make a good pet for my grandmother.

Tom Hanes: I wouldn’t chance it.

Caller: Okay, thanks.. [ hangs up ]

Tom Hanes: Alright! Our last pet today is really exotic.

Terry Hanes: That’s right! [ holds up picture of monkey ] Mr. Bonkers! And he’s a rhesus monkey. It’s really unusual to have a monkey for a pet.

Tom Hanes: That’s right. And it’s even more unusual to have one with syphallis.

Terry Hanes: Unfortunately, the syphallis is at a very advanced stage, so Mr. Bonkers is visually-impaired.

Tom Hanes: He’s probably also insane, but, in a monkey, that’s hard to know for sure. Either way, Mr. Bonkers is sure to make some lucky family a great pet!

Terry Hanes: Children can learn a lot from Mr. Bonkers, because his anatomy is so like our own!

Tom Hanes: [ laughs ] He just loves to scamper about the house, picking up whatever he can find and throwing it against the wall – his own excrement, for example. So, if you want to adopt Mr. Bonkers, just call the number on your screen.

Terry Hanes: Michael Jackson has a monkey.

Tom Hanes: Yeah, but his is better than ours. Well, we’re out of time, so join us tomorrow on “Adopt-A-Pet” for Reptile Day. We’ve got a really vicious snapping turtle, and a lizard that can get out of anything.

Terry Hanes: Good night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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