Tom Hanes…..Chevy Chase
Terry Hanes…..Victoria Jackson

Tom Hanes: Hi, welcome to “Adopt-A-Pet”, I’m Tom Hanes..

Terry Hanes: And I’m Terry Hanes!

Tom Hanes: This week, we’ve got a few more abandoned pets that could really use a good home. Let’s meet one of them – [ holds a big dog on a leash ] this guy over here is Sparky, he’s a growler who loves to bark; he’s full of energy, like a little spark plug, that’s why we call him “Sparky”. [ laughs ] The best thing about Sparky is that he’s an early riser. He’s up before the crack of dawn, barking and yelping and whining and growling. He’s a very loud dog. So if you want to adopy Sparky, just call the number on the bottom of your screen. [ KL5-PETS ] Now, Sparky is not a city dog; he’s a little nervous, needs to run; loves to eat, but he’s got a little trouble digesting. I’d love to keep him, but I don’t think he’s going to get along with my other dogs – he’s kind of a scrapper.. So, please call, Sparky’s waiting!

[ phones don’t ring ]

Well.. while we’re waiting for the phones to ring about Sparky, Terry, why don’t you tell us a little about your second pet over there.

Terry Hanes: Okay. [ holds up cat ] Well, this is Fluffy, she’s an orange Calico, isn’t she adorable?

Tom Hanes: [ laughs ] Yes, she is cute.. and if you have a lot of second-hand furniture, then Fluffy is the cat for you. She loves to scratch and bite and spit. Fluffy’s not a children’s kind of cat, Fluffy is more for someone who enjoys the unpredictable, a good surprise![ phones don’t ring ]

Now, if you want to adopt Fluffy, please call us.

[ phones still don’t ring ]

Terry Hanes: [ trying to sweeten the offer ] Fluffy doesn’t like litter boxes.

Tom Hanes: And if you’ll adopt Fluffy, you’ll also get an extra-added bonus.. [ to Sparky ] Sit!

Terry Hanes: She’s pregnant!

Tom Hanes: Yeah, that’s right! Within a few weeks, Fluffy will drop a litter of kittens in your house! I’m sure she’ll make a great mother – at least, until she goes into heat again.

Terry Hanes: So, if you want to adopt Fluffy, just call the number at the bottom of your screen. [ nothing ] You should also know that Sparky is still available.

[ phone finally rings ]

Tom Hanes: Hey! Hello, Adopt-A-Pet!

Caller: Yeah, hi. Do you think Fluffy would make a good pet for my grandmother.

Tom Hanes: I wouldn’t chance it.

Caller: Okay, thanks.. [ hangs up ]

Tom Hanes: Alright! Our last pet today is really exotic.

Terry Hanes: That’s right! [ holds up picture of monkey ] Mr. Bonkers! And he’s a rhesus monkey. It’s really unusual to have a monkey for a pet.

Tom Hanes: That’s right. And it’s even more unusual to have one with syphallis.

Terry Hanes: Unfortunately, the syphallis is at a very advanced stage, so Mr. Bonkers is visually-impaired.

Tom Hanes: He’s probably also insane, but, in a monkey, that’s hard to know for sure. Either way, Mr. Bonkers is sure to make some lucky family a great pet!

Terry Hanes: Children can learn a lot from Mr. Bonkers, because his anatomy is so like our own!

Tom Hanes: [ laughs ] He just loves to scamper about the house, picking up whatever he can find and throwing it against the wall – his own excrement, for example. So, if you want to adopt Mr. Bonkers, just call the number on your screen.

Terry Hanes: Michael Jackson has a monkey.

Tom Hanes: Yeah, but his is better than ours. Well, we’re out of time, so join us tomorrow on “Adopt-A-Pet” for Reptile Day. We’ve got a really vicious snapping turtle, and a lizard that can get out of anything.

Terry Hanes: Good night!

SNL Transcripts

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