Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 11
Jeffrey Dahmer…..Chevy Chase
Attorney #1…..Phil Hartman
Attorney #2…..Kevin Nealon
“Milwaukee County Security Prison”
Attorney #1: Were the court appointed attorneys for Jeffrey Dahmer. [security guard opens door for both men]
Jeffrey Dahmer: Michael, Allen, thanks for coming.
Attorney #2: Jeffrey, what was it that you wanted to see us about?
Jeffrey Dahmer: Gentlemen, I think I found a way to convince the jury Im insane.
Attorney #1: Is that really a concern Jeff? I think in that area were doing pretty well.
Attorney #2: Yes were confident the jury is going to find you insane.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Well thats easy for you to say, its my ass theyre gonna fry.
Attorney #2: Well we just feel cannibalism together with a box of bones will prove that you were mentally ill at the time of-Jeffrey Dahmer: Im glad you guys are so confident. Im not so sure. Alright, lets stay focused. Our problem is weve got 3 days to get that jury to believe Im out of my mind.
Attorney #1: Jeff weve got a psychiatrist from Northeastern University in Boston who has agreed to testify.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Ok heres my plan. I go in there money- on Monday, or money- looking really depressed like this. Then I start talking to myself im imaginary lingo, like DeNiro did in that sitcom, Taxi. [as he moves his head side to side] You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Whats the matter, You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Hey, who you talkin to, me? On the way back to the holding area, I let out a little bark and yell like this: Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough.
Attorney #2: Mr. Dahmer, if you will just take your seat please.
Attorney #1: Jeff if youll forgive me, I think youve been overthinking this. My best legal advice is that you go into that court room, relax, and just be yourself.
Attorney #2: If youre found insane-
Jeffrey Dahmer: IF Im found insane-
Attorney #2: You will be committed to a mental institution. After a year, you can petition for your release.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Um hmm. [starts eating his fingers, that are really plastic] Let me see if I understand where youre going with this. Youre both pretty confident Ill be found insane, is that correct?
[both attorneys become nautious]
Attorney #1: [yelling] Guard! Guard!
Jeffrey Dahmer: I spend a year in a nuthouse, then I can petition to leave. I mean its just that easy. No problem for me. [attorneys exit room]
Guard: Jeff what are we gonna have to do with you?
Jeffrey Dahmer: What do you mean?
Guard: By the way, that reporter from A Current Affair is here to see you.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Today?
Jeffrey Dahmer: Well ok send him in.
[reporter walks in, signaling for the guard to come back in]
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg