Bob Swerski’s Quiz Masters


Bob Swerski’s Quiz Masters

Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Denise Swerski…..Beth Cahill


Announcer: Due to a lack of interest, the Superbowl will be pre-empted in the Chicago area. Please stay tuned for this far more entertaining fare, my friends.

Announcer #2: It’s time to test your knowledge against the best, with “Bob Swerski’s Quiz Masters”! Now, here’s your host, Bob Swerski!

Bob Swerski: [ enters game set ] Good afternoon, folks, and welcome to “Quiz Masters”, live from Chicago, IL, home to a certain team, which, come January 1993, will clasp in its burly hands a certain Superbowl trophy, a team which is known as.. Da Bears!

Superfans: [ glasses raised ] Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Contestants, if you are ready, let’s look at today’s categories – we have: “Bears”, “Ditaka”, “Bulls”, “Famous Ditkas Through History”, “Ditka-tionary”, and “Grab Bag”. Okay, we flipped the coin backstage, and, Pat, you have control.

Pat Arnold: Let’s start with “Bears” for $100.

Bob Swerski: “Certain Superbowl winner 1993-1998.” [ Pat buzzes ] Pat?

Pat Arnold: Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Da Bears is correct! Okay, try again!

Pat Arnold: Okay, I’ll try “Bears” for $200.

Bob Swerski: “Bears vs. Robert Fulton in inventing the steamboat.” [ Todd buzzes ] Todd?

Todd O’Conner: Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Okay! Todd, you have control of the board!

Todd O’Conner: Let’s go with “Bears” for $300.

Bob Swerski: “In 1957, Eisenhower said he’d like a foreign policy like the defense of a certain team.” [ no one buzzes ] Sorry, gentlemen, the answer was.. Da Bears. Okay, okay, before we continue, let’s take a moment to meet our contestants.. [ walks up to them ] Todd? How ya doing..? [ light responses ] Okay, great! Let’s get back to the game! Todd, you still have control of the board!

Todd O’Conner: Okay.. let me have “Ditka” for $100.

Bob Swerski: “Ditka’s Styling Mousse”. [ Carl buzzes in ] Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Nexxus Pro Formula-7000.

Bob Swerski: Carl, you are on the board!

Carl Wollarski: Let’s go to “Bulls”, for $200.

Bob Swerski: For $200: “What if the Bulls were.. [ Todd buzzes ] Todd?

Todd O’Conner: Bulls, 142-61.

Bob Swerski: That is correct! I’ll finish the question, however: “What if the Bulls were playing Phoenix, and Jordan played the entire game in a La-Z-Boy recliner”, and the answer: Bulls 142, Phoneix, 61 – very good, Todd!

Todd O’Conner: Let’s go back to “Ditka, for $200, Bob.

Bob Swerski: Alright. For $200: “True or False. Ditka can affect the weather according to his mood”. [ Pat buzzes ] Pat?

Pat Arnold: True!

Bob Swerski: It is true. Okay, we got a good one going here right now. But for those of you who had some money on the game, let’s get a Superbowl update from my daughter, the lovely Denise.

Denise Swerski: [ offstage, standing next to a TV ] Both teams look like garbage, Dad. All’s I know is, Da Bears could be kicking some major butt right now!

Bob Swerski: Alright, isn’t she lovely? Thank you, Denise. Right now, let’s pause for this commercial.

[ fade to Todd, Pat, and Carl sitting at their favorite table at Ditka’s restaurant, and obviously reading off of cue cards ]

Carl Wollarski: Great to have you back from your heart attack.. Todd.

Todd O’Conner: Thanks.. The doc’s got me on a special.. low-fat diet. I’m a new man.

Pat Arnold: A special diet? But, Todd.. you got a full plate of Polish sausage.

Todd O’Conner: [ laughs ] No, I don’t, Pat.. this is a Polish sausage substitute..

Carl Wollarski: Dat’s right.. it’s called.. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage.

Pat Arnold: A polish sausage sub-stitute..? I could never eat dat..

Todd O’Conner: You’re eating it right now.. my friend..

Announcer: [ over product card ] I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage. From DitCo.

[ fade back to “Quiz Masters” ]

Bob Swerski: Alright, welcome back. Pat has control of the board. Pat?

Pat Arnold: Alright, let’s try “Grab Bag” for $100.

[ bells sound ]

Bob Swerski: Oh! Lightning Round! Okay, Pat, three questions, 10 seconds. Here we go: “Greatest Movie of all Time.”

Pat Arnold: Da Bear!

Bob Swerski: “Greatest 19th Century Novelist.”

Pat Arnold: Flaubert!

Bob Swerski: “Tastiest Cheese Available to Man.”

Pat Arnold: Camembert!

Bob Swerski: Good job, Pat! [ end of round sounds ] That means it’s time for the Final Quiz Masters! Todd, you are still in the lead, but this question is worth $500, so anyone can win. First, let’s hear what our second and third place winners will receive.

Announcer: Contestants will receive a gift certificate from Yuremovic’s sportsjackets and slacks – “Hey, that’s a sharp looking sportcoat!” And a custom Bear paint job, courtesy of Vincent Van Bear, on Lincoln – no more sloppy paint job, now it’s Vincent Van Bear. Back to you, Bob.

Bob Swerski: Alright, contestants, here we go. The Final Quiz Masters question is: “Bears vs. Bulls.” Write in your answers now, gentlemen. [ music plays ] “Da Bears vs. Da Bulls.” [ music ends ] Okay, that was a tough one. Let’s see what our contestants said. First, Pat.. [ Pat holds up card with Bulls and Bears scratched out various times ] Looks like Pat ran out of time.. sorry, buddy. [ moves to Carl ] Okay, Carl whattaya have here? [ Carl holds up illegible Bears-Bulls combo ] Eh.. what do you say, Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Well, what do you think it says?

Bob Swerski: [ chuckles ] That’s a nice try, Carl! That’s okay, that’s good.. [ moves to Todd ] Alright, todd says: [ takes Todd’s card ] “The senseless waste of pitting these two mighty forces of nature against each other, like matter vs. anti-matter, will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved..” [ flips card over ] “..but for our planet. All nations must band together, to ensure that such a conflageration never takes place.” That is absolutely CORRECT!! Todd, you are da WINNER!! Todd, of course, now you win the grand prize – five minutes in the cheese-fry booth!

[ Todd is led into the booth ]

Here’s your bucket of cheese, Todd! Get on in there, we’re all proud of you, buddy! Five minutes in the cheese-fry booth. [ machine starts dropping cheese-fries onto Todd ] And there they go! [ Todd collects all the fries he can ]

Okay, the Superbowl’s still going on, so stay tuned for a special presentation of “The Blues Brothers”. Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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